Dear Jakub:

You shared that you (29) were born and raised in Eastern Europe. There, you were abused by close family members, and your mother was- is an alcoholic, “Classic parent-child reversal situation… used to look for her around pubs as a kid, to beg she comes home“. You moved to a country that’s not part of E. Europe at 15, with your parents, did well in school, and finished law school, living independently at 22. In the last few years, you quit a job you were dissatisfied with, went back to school, and joined one of the biggest law firms in the world. A week from now, you will be moving to a house where you will be living alone for the first time in your life, with plenty of living- space you didn’t have before, something you are looking forward to.

Since you quit your job, etc.: “I have felt like a scared child. The same innate, overwhelming fear I had of my abuser as a child, I now experience almost constantly in life… each day is marked by an impending feeling of doom“- the challenges of quitting a job, going back to school and working in a very challenging environment awakened or intensified the fear you had as a child, fear of your abuser or abusers with whom you were stuck for too long.

“I haven’t failed at anything and yet each day is marked by an impending feeling of doom“- you had zero chances of success, as a child, to stop the abuse, to get your parents to protect you, and to take care of your mother (“parent- child reversal situation“), so that she will finally take care of you. You failed at tasks that are impossible for a child.

“My whole life I’ve felt like the thoughts in my brain are somehow naughty or wrong, like somehow there’s something innately evil within me and it makes me second guess everything…“- you took responsibility for the evil that was perpetrated against you, as children naturally do, believing that the abusers were not acting on their evil intents, but reacting to the evil or wrongness within you.

“I can’t put energy into a relationship. But I need to somehow figure out how to give myself a sense of security that will help me keep going through tough times in life (such as this job right now)… .. How do I stop feeling like an abused little child that I’m not anymore, how do I become able to put more energy into the difficult job I’m trying to succeed at, and how do I become comfortable with being single for so long that perversely I find someone good to be with?! Everything seems so convoluted.“-

– Simplify the Complicated, Clarify the Confusion, Re-label yourself Good. A sense of security requires that you believe that there is a good person, a good child within you, so that you will finally take his side and give the wrongness back to where it belongs: with the abusers.

I imagine that you made some bad choices as an adult and that you had and have thoughts and feelings that you disapprove of, thinking that these are evidence that you are a bad person and have been a bad person from the start. But such choices can be learned from and corrected, and.. perverse or convoluted  thoughts and feelings are reactions to abuse, or just.. normal thoughts and feelings that you view negatively.

There are no good or bad thoughts and feelings because we don’t choose them and they do not help or harm others. Only behaviors (words we communicate and acts we perform) can help or harm, and therefore, be good or bad.

I was abused too as a child. I felt Wrong and Bad as well, and I had to re-label myself Good by going back to my childhood, so to speak, and giving the Bad back to where it belongs. I would like to communicate with you for some time, if you would like that.

anita