June 12, 2013 at 5:15 am #36791moonParticipant
Hello, newbie here….and desperate to find a way out of my hole. I will try and keep it as to the point as I can.
Heading for 40, and I just have run out of enthusiasm and trust. I was really badly treated by my ‘best friend’ last September, then following that another friend was not was he made out to be at all, which knocked me sideways. My husband kept a three year close friendship secret with a woman at work, been numerous arguments and turbulance since, although much better as hes moved to another building miles away. Family issues with my mother who is by nature a vindictive woman, we didn’t speak for two years, and then a year ago we made amends of sorts, but I keep her at arms length due to her nature and do what I need to do for the sake of my Dad and 9yo son.
There has been 3 incidents in the last year of my husband being violent, two of which he says were accidents. I do still love him and I value family life. But I have been with him since 14, no indepence have I ever had…theres allot of water under the bridge and all that.
Losing my best friend has meant no nights out or weekends away, I don’t miss her due to a year or more of being treated badly then the last straw being last September.
I am not looking to blame, and feel I have forgiven the things that have happened. I just feel empty. I have tried making it as a painter and even that I have no enthusiasm for. I have pretty much cut myself off from Facebook, Twitter etc. everything feels pointless.
I have taken up an Aqua Zumba class to get myself out of the house, intigrated much better healthier eating, read self help books, confidence motivation hypnotherapy cd etc etc…so its not like I am not trying.
But being at home alone most of the time just reduces me to tears, theres no passion, adventure, enthusiasm in any area of my life and I just do not know what is wrong with me! I do have allot to be grateful for and even writing those down etc hasn’t helped. Its a feeling of nothingness, aimless pointlessness…many nights I hope I just don’t wake up. I am not suicidal, nor thinking that way, its just better to be asleep than awake….I am not normally like this, I cannot boil it down to one thing I can try to fix, its just there….I used to dance around all the time, loved to party, loved taking risks, enjoyed being a mum. And while I still enjoy my boys company, its not how it used to feel. I am even questioning whether I am suffering depression? I had two and a half years post natal depression on Prozac and I really do not want to go back into that walking coma…..any thoughts much appreciated, I am tired of being in my own head with feeling this way. I did talk to my husband, but it was of little help.
Many thanks in advance
moon xxJune 12, 2013 at 6:26 am #36792JeffParticipant
I’ve suffered from depression for many years and I believe that yes- you are suffering from depression. The sleep patterns, lack of drive and enjoyment of things you used to enjoy. I know you are hesitant,but I do think you should get into a counselor of some sort. Even if you don’t goon meds, they will be able to help you sort through things and hopefully find some tools to help you move forward.
That said- the people on this site are wonderful, generous folks with far more experience than me. I’ve learned a lot in the couple weeks I’ve been here. Best of luck to you!June 12, 2013 at 8:04 am #36794Marilyn Briant-RockmoreParticipant
My heart goes out to you, you are such a loving soul. And I am sorry you have lost your best friend, because talking with someone who cares really helps. Perhaps there is someone else you know with whom you could spend some time?
I felt that life was meaningless like you, for a long time and finally asked God/Love for help. You will be amazed at the response if you decide to do this. I was guided to books and people, all of whom helped me understand there is so much more to me than I knew.
One thing I am sure of is that looking inside yourself, being kind to yourself and taking time to get to know who you are will drastically change your life – it did mine.
I understand you are in a lot of pain and it has been my experience that pain has a message for us – to stop looking outside of ourselves for happiness and go within.
Love and peace,
MarilynJune 15, 2013 at 9:09 am #36939themobilemindParticipant
Nice post Marilyn.