June 13, 2018 at 6:21 am #212323
Things have gone to shit in my life and I feel like I have lost myself and my will exist. I find it hard to describe. I was deeply depressed a few years ago, and have struggled with it since, and even then I didn’t loose myself. I feel like it’s all falling apart. Where to even begin. It has been a rough couple of years for my family and myself. Maybe the fact that my mental health is better, but my life has gotten worse has made me feel trapped and unhappy.
I don’t have a degree, my depression hit in the middle of my master thesis and felt like I had to abandon it. I feel no desire to finish it now, years later, because I have since realized that it’s not really what I want. I chose it much because I felt like I had to. I mean I like it but maybe not for a career. I come from a family that sort of looked down on what I wanted to do (writing and journalism), so I took the second-best option (horticulture and biology). Finding a job is hard in my country in general and I feel stuck, feeling forced to continue looking for jobs and working with something I don’t want, and unable to do what I truly want (much because they most likely won’t choose someone that doesn’t have a degree in the subject). I have never liked a job, generally feeling like they don't do anything for me or mankind at large. I feel like my life has no meaning.
My family used to be my only safety-net, but I have recently realized that we have an unhealthy codependency. My brother has had health issues since his teens and everything has centered around him. Our relationship has generally been good, me being the oldest and willing to do anything for him, but a month ago our relationship soured because he got violent with me. It wrenched opened my eyes painfully and I can now see the unhealthy loop we are all stuck in; where my brother has all the power, which he uses to manipulate and drag us down in his misery. Among other things it has severely impacted my parents’ marriage. He is miserable, and it’s hard but he refuses psychiatric help because he looks down on people who seek help (much thanks to my old-fashioned dad). I love my brother, but I don’t like him anymore. I’m isolated with my miserable family and I live far from any friends. I don’t know how to get out. I’m stuck in this shitty loop of hopelessness, no money, no friends and now I no longer have any safety. I recently got just one month of work, work that I don’t want but felt forced to take. So now my anxiety is off the roof again. I just want out.
/SukiJune 13, 2018 at 7:48 am #212343
What if you left your family and your country- maybe it will be the first step to getting un-stuck, getting you out of that “loop of misery and codependency”?
anitaJune 13, 2018 at 7:48 am #212345
*didn't reflect under TopicsJune 13, 2018 at 8:59 am #212353
It is something I have considered, but I don't really know how.
sukiJune 13, 2018 at 10:24 am #212357
When you considered it, what did you find difficult about it?
Did you do any research as to the how-to-do-it, and if you did, what did you find out?
anitaJune 14, 2018 at 10:08 am #212483
The most difficult part is the language barrier. I may speak English, but England is a hard country to find work in as a foreigner and the other countries in Europe generally demand that you speak their language. Finding work abroad is easier when in the country, but I don't have to funds to just pack up and go.
/SukiJune 14, 2018 at 10:36 am #212485
You wrote in your original post that you are “trapped and unhappy”, that your “life has no meaning”, that your family “used to be” your safety net, but is no longer that. “I just want out”, you wrote.
Out would be to no longer live with your family, with your brother and your parents. I suppose you can move elsewhere in your country, near the friends you mentioned, maybe.
It is a big move, to a whole other country and a difficult move especially when you don't have the funds. Not to mention the difficulty in finding a job as a foreigner and the language problem. Maybe making a move in your country, away from your family is a step in the right direction.
anitaJune 15, 2018 at 5:02 am #212569
I can't afford to move. Work is hard to find.June 15, 2018 at 5:12 am #212573
Then you are stuck, at this point. Will you elaborate on your brother's mental issues: what are they and how was he recently violent with you, what did he do to you?
Will you share more about your relationship with your parents?
anitaJune 18, 2018 at 5:47 am #212877
Indeed I am stuck. The relationship with my parents are neither good nor bad. It used to be good, but now Im tired.June 18, 2018 at 6:37 am #212891
I hope you rest. And when you are rested, if you would like, you are welcome to share more, maybe answer my questions in my last post to you. I hope to read from you again.
anitaJune 18, 2018 at 3:42 pm #212643
I would like to send you some warmth over cyberspace. I see you are feeling hopeless, lonely, unsupported, unjust, painful and sad. There is no simple or quick answer to change your situation, but I feel you can use some help in getting empathy for yourself. I want you to know that many people struggled with their own families, and the effects of that, their whole lives. It is great for you to be aware of what is happening now, and want to choose a different life for yourself. It will not be easy, but wanting it and choosing it is the first step.
I would like to invite you to attend the Compassion Course (suggested fee is $0/$26/$52/$104 – your own choice) and in a year you will learn, via weekly emails and monthly conference calls (recordings if can't attend live), how to improve the way you feel and take the step forward to make your life just a little better. I just have gone through this course myself and can't be happier and more grateful for this journey I started. I hope you give it a try.