Home→Forums→Relationships→Stuck in limbo – hurting my family
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April 21, 2016 at 4:49 pm #102431
GiuliaParticipantThank you so much for creating this space, for much of today I have started to write posts in forums I am in and it has not felt right because this is not a parenting issue although it affects my children, and is more complicated than I would hope.
I have been married for 10 years and I have a 9 year old boy, and 7 year old twins. Since my first child was born I have had difficulty connecting with their father, let’s call him DH. It as if he has found my needs and wants too much and has been trying to run away from me. I have changed a lot, and probably for the better in terms of becoming more aware. But having children has brought up a lot for me, both because of my own childhood but because my DH has not supported me, rather created massive obstacles for us that have stretched me to breaking point many times. I have had several breakdowns, but have never been able to get help, instead I just carry on, barely coping for months, even a year until I find a way through. This is not at all a thriving environment or nurturing upbringing for my children.
We have moved about 20 times since my son was born, 4 times internationally – it is impossible for us to get our needs met. I have not wanted to move but my DH said to me after my twins were born that he was moving abroad with or without me, and I thought it was best for my children to be able to see their father, and could not see a way to support three children as it was. He moved out of our bedroom as soon as our twins were born so he could sleep, but still wanted to have visits to me for his sexual fulfillment.
So I moved abroad, and I put my all into settling there. I went to every baby group to meet people, I searched all the local areas to get a house, I found a school that my extremely sensitive first born could be happy in. I found all the cheapest places to shop and with barely any money set up a house, and then when we had to move, another. After two years, when I was starting to come into flow, when I was the best possible version of myself, and the best mother I had been in a while – Because I had a great supportive community – he decided he wanted to move again. He arranged the move, lost our VISA despite my protestations and assurance that this would end our relationship.
I moved back to England for a few months, living with three children in a conservatory. My family are very conservative and while they love me, we do not resonate. I cannot live the life I want to under their control. So I moved back to be with my children’s father because he assured me that the children would be better off, he had found a house for them and a good school, and that we could afford to live here comfortably.
I feel like I have given up everything, friends, access to family, my career, my hobbies, my home. Al our items are in storage and I know they are just things but I am so stiffled. All i do at home is clean, cook and trying to entertain my children who are reacting very negatively due to needing a far more enriching and settled home environment. Friends say to me to leave him and move back home to the UK, but then I think I am starting again from nothing, and my first born is too sensitive to mainstream schooling options. If I move back to UK as a single mum I would have to work full-time, have my kids in mainstream school and before and after school care (yes I know that is what a lot of people already do, but really my kids have been through enough, and I do not agree with modern day education in England) – i do not want to make a bad choice and make things even worse for them.
I have lived in the new place for 7 months, and my children are all suffering. I live a separate life from my DH. We do not share a bedroom. We are so skint that I barely leave the house, we cannot afford to go to the city and do things. So I am extremely isolated. Today I had a massive meltdown, I really hurt my children with my words, my reactivity and shame responses, I shamed them, and rejected them – and I feel so sad that I hurt them. I need to change my situation, or at least change the way I think about it, so that I can get a to a happy accepting place where I am better able to care for them.
April 22, 2016 at 9:42 am #102449
AnonymousGuestDear bigglasses:
You described a difficult situation that is your life. A few things come to mind as first priority:
1) I bet having more children is heavily not on your mind, but if I was you, I would make it an absolute certainty that there will be no more children added to the family.
2) You saying shaming, rejecting words to your children is absolutely unacceptable. This kind of talk to your children must not happen again, no matter how you feel, and no matter what happens. Nothing excuses it. The damage to your children happens directly from such verbal/ emotional abuse, way more than moving a lot and life being not stable otherwise. Please let me know how you feel about this point and I will be glad to correspond with you till-the-end-of-times in efforts to stop this kind damage done to your children.
There is more in your post (and there is a newer thread), but the above two points are so important, that I need your response to these before I write more.
Hope to read from you soon:
anita
April 22, 2016 at 10:12 am #102451AnonymousInactivedear big glasses, this is a lot…
I have grown up in a physically and emotionally unsafe environment, and suffered a lot from many things that were not addressed, so I know, as Anita said, and you know it as well, it’s not good if you project your experiences onto your children. You need help, coming here on this website is really good, but I think it might really be a good idea to have a mediator type of person between you and your husband to discuss what is the best and most respectful way for everyone to move forward and regain a peaceful heart. It sounds like you have made a conscious choice to not live in the UK and so you need a plan to be able to live peacefully wherever it is that you are right now. I think its a good idea to sit down with your husband and talk about how to move forward, just ask him. Something needs to change and you need to get your power back..
April 22, 2016 at 10:38 am #102455AnonymousGuestDear bigglasses:
I was thinking further and wanted to add the following:
It takes courage for a mother to acknowledge that you hurt your children. Most mothers who do, deny it, especially to others and wouldn’t do it online, exposing themselves to possible or even likely negative criticism and condemnation. So I applaud you and admire you for acknowledging this fact and posting here.
I know that you already feel shame about hurting your children in the form of shaming and rejecting them verbally (verbal/ emotional abuse). My purpose in the post I wrote you above and in any future writing is not to make you feel worse than you are already feeling, not to add shame to you.
My purpose in the first post I wrote you on this thread is to make sure we understand each other on the following: that stopping this verbal abuse of your children needs to be done immediately, before any solutions to other elements in your life are attempted. That is, before you get your stored stuff back, before you resolve the relationship with your husband one way or another, before you decide where to live… before any and all these things are addressed, the verbal abuse needs to stop, immediately. This is the understanding I hope you have too. Please let me know if this is so.
anita
April 22, 2016 at 10:47 am #102456GiuliaParticipantThank you Anita – I completely agree. I have done peaceful parenting courses, had many therapists, read the whole library if parenting without yelling books…done NVC, happiness courses, I avoid caffeine alcohol sugar – I exercise most dats, I meditate – I say ti myself everyday that I will Ve gentle living responsive and respectful….
I’m just so overwhelmed, so lonely, so sad – but I cannot cry. It just builds up to a rage.
Everyday I set myself goals, fun things to do – it just feels too much.
It isn’t natural to parent alone and not have any support. I am so ashamed of who u have become.
If I could take a pill and it stop me having this rage, I’d take it.
DH now realises what effect he has had on our family. For years he sold my kids toys bikes etc etc – the more it ride to build a home, the more he tried to pick it apart.
I’m so ashamed I stayed in this situation and now, I’m at the stage that I lack resource to move on. And really I have nowhere safe to move to. I keep dreaming there’s a living supportive peaceful parenting commune for single mind! With just a bit of support I can hold all this – with some resonance.
Mi appreciate any input you give me. I’m desperate! I never ever want to react again in this damaging way.Know that any time or resource you give me will be appreciated
April 22, 2016 at 10:52 am #102457GiuliaParticipantI agree about a mediator. When id left and gone back to the uk I had written a contract to protect the kids, just basic cops renting contract stating our items could not be sold, he could not arranges move that affected my children without written consent.
I also wanted to do marriage mediating, not necessarily to stay together but to set boundaries. He often stone walked me if I said something that was inconvenient to him. He doesn’t want to because of money. He doesn’t feel the same desperation. Or need to protect the children that I do
April 22, 2016 at 10:59 am #102458GiuliaParticipantAnita thanks for the clarification – I agree. I think I’m starting to do too much – I’m trying to look for jobs, trying to settle all my kids in the new school, trying to cook 2-3 meals a day, trying to keep the house clean and tidy and fix it up for when we leave in a month or two. It’s all everything else than what I need to do – coming from external should and should nots
April 22, 2016 at 11:01 am #102459AnonymousGuestDear bigglasses:
I hope you read my two posts above (this being the third)- we may have posted at the same time and you missed the second?
In your response to me, I am still not clear and I need to have clarity on this: are you saying that you have been incapable to not mistreat your children verbally? Do you believe it is out of your control?
When you did shame and reject your children last time, did you see their eyes, especially the older child, the one who is visibly already damaged (oversensitive, you called it)- did you look in his eyes when you shamed him- and did you go on shaming him as his pain filled his eyes and heart, damaging him further?
anita
April 22, 2016 at 11:12 am #102462GiuliaParticipantYes I read your second post – sorry we do keep reading and posting at the sane time but I have read your second and third post.
I do feel I have no control, but I know I have control. I believe both at once. It felt automatic and I know u need to address some deep seated beliefs. In the past, when I have felt rage, I have frozen myself and worked through them, not acted on them. So I have less control.
I did not look him in the eyes, I couldn’t. So there must have been a part of me that knew the pain I was creating.
April 22, 2016 at 11:25 am #102463AnonymousGuestDear bigglasses:
I think it is most important to deal with … the most important issue first, and that is stopping the verbal abuse of your children. This is way, way… way more important than cleaning he house, cooking, looking for new schools and everything else that you do. Indeed you are trying to do too much when there is one thing that by far is crucial for you to do and that is to stop verbally abusing your children.
Firs, stop the damage, Do-No-Harm.
Before you try o fix problems, stop creating and adding to problems. you will have less o fix later (and you may no be able o fix his a all) if you sop damaging he kids now.
You can still look your kids in the eyes and see the pain you created in their minds. You must see it, let yourself see it so that you appreciate the magnitude of the harm you created in their young, forming brains. Stop anything and everything else, and attend to that pain. Please, do it ASAP. And let me know what you experience and if you have new insight into your ability to no longer verbally abuse them no-matter-what.
anita
April 24, 2016 at 9:15 am #102604AnonymousGuestDear Bigglasses:
You wrote at the beginning of your original post: “this is not a parenting issue although it affects my children, and is more complicated than I would hope.”
Then you wrote: “Today I had a massive meltdown, I really hurt my children with my words, my reactivity and shame responses, I shamed them, and rejected them” Later to explain: “I’m just so overwhelmed, so lonely, so sad – but I cannot cry. It just builds up to a rage.”
And, you wrote: “my first born is too sensitive to mainstream schooling options.”
Bigglasses, you are abusing your children, and your older child is already showing your abuse of him. He was not born too sensitive: he was injured and keeps being injured by you. As he goes to a Special class or school, he may receive this and that diagnosis, but he was not born with any mental disease- he was made to mentally bleed, by you.
Parents abuse their children because they are overwhelmed and distressed. The latter does not excuse the former. Of course, if you were not overwhelmed, lonely and sad, you would be less likely to abuse your children. Of course when you try to verbally hurt them, you do so because you experience rage. The rage does not excuse the behavior.
You must stop abusing your children regardless of your circumstances. Your children cannot NOT be injured by you thinking: my mum is overwhelmed. They get injured nonetheless. You can’t wait until and IF you get the help you need, and THEN you will not abuse your children anymore.
As to the first quote on my post: It is very much a parenting issue, and no matter how complicated your life is, you must stop abusing your children. Now, not tomorrow, not later, but now. PLEASE!
anita
April 24, 2016 at 10:48 am #102612GiuliaParticipantI’m actually feeling uncomfortable about the way you are writing. I don’t think you have any children; nor do I think you have much compassion or understanding.
I have not raised my voice at all, not once. But I don’t think you writing repeating Te word abuser abuser abuser over and over is kind, understanding not helpful. I am well aware of the effect this has had in my children. And yes my son was born sensitive. I never raised my voice, did cry it out, hurt him at all – ever for the first four years of his life. I was highly responsive gentle and kind. Yet he was highly sensitive to stimuli. But thank you for your insight, it might come from a place of pain in you.
I am highly responsive and attentive, I had twin babies with zero support, never did cry it out, held them in my arms, with my older child on my legs. Any mother, any, left alone with zero support will abuse. It’s true – it’s nature. And that’s why I’ve taken great pains to build a community of support around me. And that’s the dilemma and anger I hold is that DH has taken this away from us so many times.
I sit with my kids every day and read for 1-2 hours. I play games with them. I respect their feelings. I listen. I respond. I put them first. I very very rarely leave them. I don’t go out, or have fiends. I give give give. And yes sometimes I break down as any human would under immense pressure, and my ticks and fleas crawl out. I’m constantly working on it. Constantly guilty. I’m constantly exhausted.
Do you know what that feels like?
I appreciate your words, I appreciate that you’re trying to make me understand the seriousness – and I already do. Otherwise I’d join the leagues of mums who punish their kids with a smile on their face because they think it’s for their own good.
I won’t ever shout again, unless there’s an energy, I feel I’ve snapped out of it. And u thank you for that. But I’m also going to stand up for myself, and reclaim my power. Because that’s what I need and my children need, a strong mother
April 24, 2016 at 10:50 am #102613GiuliaParticipantSorry when I have I’ve not shouted I mean since my first post
April 24, 2016 at 10:51 am #102614GiuliaParticipantAnd emergency not energy
April 24, 2016 at 11:13 am #102615AnonymousGuestDear bigglasses:
I appreciate you writing back. I am sure you felt uncomfortable reading my posts to you and that is why I admire you, once again, for starting and continuing this thread.
You wrote above: “I feel I’ve snapped out of it..” I understand you mean, snapped out, or stopped hurting your children with your words, shaming and rejecting them (“I hurt my children with my words, my reactivity and shame responses, I shamed them, and rejected them”)
This must be done. My compassion is first to the children because I know how very, very difficult it is to heal from being verbally shamed and rejected. And how easily these injuries in childhood can be prevented by the parent. Once you stop that kind of behavior and instead consistently comfort them, much healing can take place already in childhood.
I am sure that the moving around and other factors affected your older child before the behavior I focused on so far, responsible for his over sensitivity in earlier age. I believe every child is born with the predisposition to get overwhelmed with fear, and overwhelming fear, ongoing (anxiety) is in the core of most mental disorders.
Regarding compassion for you, I am ready to avail myself to it. I wanted to attend to first priority topic, which I already did.
You are in a very difficult situation and I have to believe there must be a way to make it better. There are a few factors:
1. The husband.
2. Your parents in the UK (and your own childhood issues)
3. Home (no longer moving so often)
3. Schools in the UK that you disagree with
4. Income/ work.It seems to me that your husband is an irresponsible parent and husband and is useless to you as far as helping you live a better life. And it seems to me that you have issues with your parents, and if you live with them, you will be stuck there, emotionally. From the little info I have, I would cross husband and parents from my future.
I would think of applying for government help somewhere, if such is available, so you can be present at home to parent your children and not experience all that stress of full time work. Maybe in the UK, away from your parents. Maybe there is a way to find schooling in the UK for your older child or do with what is available (is there such a thing as “home schooling” as there is in the US?)
What do you think so far?
anita
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