Hi DXM,

I can relate to your feelings a lot because I’ve also experienced the same – the frustration when I see everybody else in relationships while I am alone, also the idea that I deserve it for a number of reasons.

Having said that, I’ve been only in relationships where my love was not reciprocated. In all 3 instances, the person I was with, used me in some way or the other – a tissue for crying, money, sex.
So I have come to understand that “relationship” and “true love” are 2 very different things. Not all relationships are based on love. Many come into existence just because the 2 people involved do not want to be alone.
I can honestly say that those experiences have not enriched my life much, most of the time they feel like real hard work which ended in nothing – equivalent of a job without pay or promotion. I struggle to view these lessons in a positive way.

You’ve spoken about the work-reward equation. I would urge to consider this – “Love” is not a reward. The corporate rules of working hard and getting a bonus do not apply because love and relationships are not a bonus. And many times, relationships are not a bonus. Some have the tendency to take you down lower than you are right now.
Perhaps, right now, you feel ANY experience with relationships – good or bad – will be an improvement over staying single. But it is also equally possible that your judgement is wrong on that.

I’ve experienced real appreciation and love from the strangest places, like the mute gratitude of some dogs I rescued, in moments of connection with random strangers, and these keep me going. You’ve mentioned the documented downsides of loneliness. It would be worth your time to also consider the documentation and research on loneliness having nothing to do with the number of connections, friendships or relationships that people have. Some people feel lonely with 100 friends and some feel at peace with 0 friends. Loneliness is essentially a sense of disconnect with one’s one self. You are seeking to to connect with yourself through the eyes of a relationship. Perhaps they will hold a mirror to you that you can see and really appreciate yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, its a natural human desire. I would only say that – just because the mirror is not there right now, doesn’t mean you stop appreciating the great things about yourself or working on those things that you like to improve.

Hope I made some sense to you. I wish you all the very best and hope you find the courage to pull through this dark time.

Wendy