Hi Peter and Anita,

Thanks for your input. It does encourage me a little bit to see someone read this wall of text! 😀

Peter; Don’t get me wrong; I am absolutely terrified. And, in fact, I feel like I am quite far from being able to embrace uncertainty. I am definitely a worrier, and it gets worse when I am not in a great shape mentally. At the same time. I have an ideal, and I honestly think I would get deeply unhappy if I didn’t pursue it. Somewhere deep down, I think I can, but I have soooo many layers of mental blocks, unhappiness, fear and panic to overcome before I can concentrate on what I need to do to get there. I takes so much mental energy to overcome all that and start doing. But I know I just need to take action. I can be extremely driven and stubborn once I get going and have my mind set on something!

Anita; I didn’t even mention the two weekends/three weeks I worked in a row. I was told that is how the field of finance is. Well, that is easy to say to someone like me who’s got nothing to compare with. Personally, I don’t buy this, but at least I am going to find out for myself. Maybe, just maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. I can work more during busy times, but then I expect to work less during less busy times. Not normal or sh*tloads. As for the outdoor life in the winter; I love skiing, so now that I have recovered from my injury I am looking forward to go skiing once I go to Sweden, and Switzerland eventually. 😀

Today I have taken the numerical reasoning test. Out of all parts in an application proccess, that is what scares me the most. I hate, hate, hate them. To be honest I am not that good with numbers. I’m ok. Average in the world of finance, and above average in the general population I’d say. But definitely not great. There’s a lot you can do during an application proccess to project a nice image, and I have most of that down; social skills, presentation, and great applications, but psychometric tests you can’t fake. I am not saying I am a fake, but it is definitely the part I feel most insecure about. I have passed these tests in the past, but I always imagine everyone applying for these type of jobs, are math genious. But now I have done it, I felt reasonably prepared, and honestly did my best. I am proud of myself just for doing it. I think it went alright, but I don’t know. It’s out of my hands now, and that is probably the one occasion I don’t worry. Once I have done something, such as a test or interview, I am over it. There’s no point in thinking about it anymore. I have done my part and that is it. I really hope I am selected to continue in the application proccess, I want this so bad!

Tomorrow, hmmm… I think I will work on a speculative application to an insurance company that do credit and political risk. I won’t be able to finish and send it in, I spend more time than that on an application. But I’ll aim to send it in on Friday. It’s a Swedish company, with a base in Stockholm (which, again, I don’t really want), but they have an office in Oslo, which I could imagine going to, or if they’re interested and it seems good, I might suck it up for a little bit and then move on from there. I just want to send in an application to a place where I’d feel a bit more confident. Being Swedish, I think I’d have an edge there, and I don’t think there’d be a phychometric test either! :p

Quick update today as I am really tired and need to start going to bed on time. I have started working on the speculative application for the Swedish insurance company. I made some changes to the cv, so that is finished. I’ll start working on the cover letter tomorrow. Looking at what they do, I think the job might be too technical for me though. I’ll send in an application, but it’ll be a speculative one, so they might not have any openings anyway…

I just want to make sure I am being more mindful about what job I take this time around. It doesn’t have to be the absolute dream job, but I do want it to be closer to what I want to do, than my current job. I want it to be an improvement.  Also, I need to make sure it’ll be a job that is matching my skills. I have things I am really good at, but pretending those things are maths, numbers and lots of financial modelling is only going to cause more stress in my life, as I’ll end up getting a job which, yet again, doesn’t match my skills. I have another two jobs I want to apply for, apart from this speculative application. So I’d like to get started on at least the most important out of those two during the weekend.

As for the two applications I sent in this week, they said they will be in touch by the end of November, which I think sounds very reasonable. I don’t mind the two weeks of waiting. But I am not putting my hopes up. I don’t want to get too disappointed…

Thank you for your replies to this thread Joc, Anita and Peter! I read it all and find it encourageing to know someone is reading and following this!

I think I am pretty good at doing (some) things that I am scared of, I just wish it would not cause me such massive stress. And after having (not intentionally) lived in 5 different countries in only a little more than a year after graduation, I am so over moving around. I just want to find a place where I can stay for a while. 5-10 years maybe. Find myself a partner, maybe buy a place to live in, and get the chance to focus on other things in life other than all “life admin” that comes with moving around. But I am not so sick of moving that I am prepared to stay somewhere I don’t want to be, just so I don’t have to move again…

I have been in a really bad place mentally today. I am not going to bed on time, so I guess a lack of sleep does not make it any better. But I compare myself with some girls at the office (most of us are in our 20’s). I know not everything is what is seems, and no one has everything “toghether”. But they seem to at least have “something” going in the right direction. One has just completed a rotational trainee program, and will move to the Swiss headquarters in January, where her boyfriend will also do a rotation (in a different company). They plan to live in Zurich together for a few years. The other one has a boyfriend there who is an absolute catch, Swiss. I’m sure she’ll move there with the job in a year or two as well and unite with her bf… The third one seems like she’s just loving her job and aiming for manager position in the next year, she’s open to moving but seems happy enough here. Then there’s me; single, unfit like never before in my life, deeply unhappy, in the wrong career and soon to be unemployed living at my mum’s. They are fun, fit, good looking and going somewhere. I feel like shit looking at them. Trying to be part of their group, but it’s not easy feeling like this about myself. 🙁

So much for quick update…

So yesterday I didn’t do much, other than think and speak to people, which I suppose should not be underestimated. I learned that many people apparently mostly change their cv’s rather than cover letter. I make a few tweaks to my cv to suit the place I am applying for, but I think I should start paying more attention to this.

I am also starting to think more and more about going to Switzerland, in any way I can. As much as I would love to get the “perfect” job, if I am already there, I think it’d be easier. Of course, I am now starting at the top of my “wish list” but, should that not work out, I will work my way down the list. I find it very hard to keep going and deal with this uncertainty. I’ve never had an issue getting a job before, but then again, I am trying to do something more difficult this time; getting in to a semi-new field in a country I only have weak connections to. In the past, I’d usually take me about 5 applications to get something, but I am counting on around 10 or even 15 this time, to prepare myself… Yeah, so as you can hear on my reasoning, I am sh*tting myself doing this. At least I have your support! 🙂

I am currently half way through the cover letter to the Swedish company. I’ll finish off and send the application tomorrow. I have also found another graduate opportunity almost as good as the first application I sent in. There’s no real deadline stated, which always makes me nervous, as I am worried the ad will be taken down before I’ve had a chance to apply. I will start working on that application as soon as I’ve sent in the one I am doing now.

Anita, no problem with your summary, could maybe be good for someone who’s interested, but can’t be bothered reading through everthing I’ve written!

Peter, thank you for your input. I always find it very comforting and inspirational to hear what other people have experienced. It reminds me I am not alone. In particular I find it comforting to hear other people who made it through transitions in life, who came out on the other side, and look back at it saying, they made it, it was hard, but they are in a much better place now.

I honestly don’t think (knowing myself) that I will find true happiness and some peace, until I can settle down somewhere. And as I know how much stress and pain there is in moving, I know that even when I do find a place to put down my roots for a few years, it will still take at least 1-2 years until I can really begin to feel happy. In the beginning you have all the annoying life admin to take care of, no support system, and there is just a lot of things to deal with, but as time goes on you make little tweaks to your being in the right direction. You find a better place to live, you slowly start making some friends, you start getting you finances in order, you adapt to language, culture and customs at the new place and all the little things that you didn’t like you have one by one taken care of until you have built up a life for yourself at this new place, that you are happy with.

That is how I felt in the UK. I had lived there for six years and felt very much at home there. I had made many dear friends among the locals, and had a great flat, knew how everything worked, my English is now near perfection, and I had just built up a life for myself there over the six years that I really loved. It was a very difficult decision to leave all that. But at the end of the day, I knew this was my chance to move somewhere new, and get new life experiences. The timing was good. And I trusted that if I can build up something good there, I can build up something good anywhere, which is what I am now aiming for. And truth be told, I was outright depressed during my first year (probably the most miserable year of my life- I was this close to packing up and moving home) and still deeply unhappy in my second year. But I kind of changed things little by litte, until I was genuinely happy, especially in my 4th and 5th year there (before I started worrying about whether to move or stay, and what was going to happen to me). I remember being on my horse on a random Tuesday morning (classes didn’t start until after lunch that day), gallopping along a stubble field, thinking “life does not get better than this”. It was sunny, I had loads of friends I cared for and who cared for me, I had a good part time job in horses, I got to study in this amazing location at one of the best universities in the country, something that I was genuinely interested in, I lived in a great flat, and just felt so at home where I was.

I guess it sounds like madness to tear all that down, given what I am experiencing now. But even after everything that has happened since I left the UK, I still believe it was the right decision for me. I have an innate wander lust, and I think I would have probably regretted staying and packed up eventually anyway if I had decided to stay, only feel it was a waste of time to stay, because I could have left so much earlier. What I had not anticipated though, was how difficult it was going to be. I knew it was going to be hard to start over, but not this hard… And I did not anticipate this many curve balls to be thrown my way… Again, not once have I actually regretted my decision to move away from the UK, or wondered if I made a mistake moving. I stand firm in that decision, and deep down I know it was right for me, but never settling and feeling like so many fundamental things in my life are “wrong” and finding myself so far from where I want to be has really taken a toll on me. I feel quite tired sometimes. It’s been an exhausting year and a half since graduation.

Wow, I am really finding this writing therapeutic! 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Emelie.

As I want to catch up, never writing an update yesterday, I will just write another short update today.

The application is ready to be sent out. Will sleep on it and send it off tomorrow. Then start working on my next application, the one I am super interested in (mentioned above).

Also on my list is to contact a friend of a friend who works at the company where I applied to this week. Not sure what I want out of it. Maybe just check what he thinks of it. The quota of foreign people (haha!), how he got his job, and if he’s got any advice for me.

Peter, it was not how I planned it, but for reasons I went in to detail about above, that was what ended up happening. Lots of experiences for sure. I know I am the opposite to most people for this reason, but there are pros and cons to everything. The obvious downside to the life I have been living is that you cannot build anything sustainable. I have no relationship, no house or appartment of my own, and finances are suffering as it cost a lot to be moving around. I assume people who stay were they are, geographically do so because they want to. I’d never feel sorry for anyone. Some of my friends in long term relationships sometimes say they’d like to move abroad, or they wish they hadn’t settled so early. But at the end of the day they continue to root themselves even more where they are. And to be honest, if your primary goal in life is to have a family, there are biological reasons to start thinking about that in your mid-twenties. I “risk” not having that, as I have made other priorities for myself. I am not sure I will ever want to have kids, but if I decide I do, I will not have much time, because you need to get to know the person properly with whom you’ll have kids, and that does not happen overnight, and you need a stable living situation. So I think if you want to travel, do that, if you want to put down roots close to where you grew up, that is fine too. Whatever you prefer, there’s no right or wrong. I don’t think my, slightly unusual, lifestyle is anymore right than someone else’s more stable life. It’s right for me though. 🙂

Anyway, since last updating, I finished my speculative application, but I actually decided to hold off for a while. The location is not great for me, and I want to know for sure I did not get a positive response from the other places higher up my list before contacting them. So instead I finished another application today. I will send it off tomorrow. I’m quite happy with it, if I may say so myself! :p It’s for another graduate programme is Switzerland, in credit risk. I already wrote to them asking if one could still send in applications, because there was no application deadline, and it said start during December or by arrangement, so quite soon. So got a positive response, I will sleep on it and then send in tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything from the other graduate program. After this application, I will start looking at some other “normal”, but still junior ads, and think about what I should apply for next.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Emelie.