May 30, 2024

Incredibly lonely, unloved, and unfinished

Old and ugly

Aug 27, 2024#1
Glanced up at the mirror and was terrified and saddened by my reflection. I look very old, tired, worn, defeated, tapped out..my skin is wrinkled and riddled with adult acne, face and cheeks saggy, puffy under eye fat, frown lines, sad clown smile lines, lips forever chapped, lips split with a cut that often comes rather than go, sad, dull, lifeless eyes peering..my face does not hold youth and false promises anymore..it holds decay and reality..
I look like a stereotypical witch… someone that people warn their kids to stay away from.

I’m hideous.

This has added to my lifelong depression..
I’m soo saddened.. really want to hide inside forever with a bag or face covering on. No wonder I am left, isolated, and discarded.

I’ve never left the war.

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May 21, 2024

I’ve had only two spectrums of days since I’ve come into existence.. Bad and bareable. Today wasn’t a “barely bare able day”.

I’ve been depressed my whole entire life, but as I age….That depression has morphed and spiraled into something numbing, cold, and hopeless. I just go through the mechanical motions of existing.. on autopilot.

I smile, I laugh, I say the “right” things, I feign interest in conversation and social interaction, etc… I allow myself to temporarily “fill” myself to remain passable…

Then when the house is empty, quiet, isolated…in the hidden intimacy of night…

I allow myself to empty. I become the emptiness that I am. I am the attachment that can never be reattached..

Sometimes in the pits and thrones of hollowness and despair…I feel death watching me. .I feel the reaper stroking my shoulder, patting my head, staring into the abyss with me..

I feel a sense of peace and relief during those times..l think to myself…it’s almost over.. what a tragedy…what an opportunity….I’m ready.

Then, I am left. I am abandoned.

To exist for more time..