Hello everyone. This is my first post here. I’ve been reading Tinybuddha for a long time and it’s always helped me a lot through tough times.  I feel the need to open up and talk to someone about my struggles but I can’t do this with friends or relatives. I have tried talking to anybody whom I felt could sympathise and not judge but I need to go deeper and I just can’t do it with them, they would not understand and I feel really alone in this so thank you to anybody who will read.

I am an introvert and I have always gone through my life on my own pretty much. So far I have had a good life, I worked hard and built a career for myself, have travelled, made friends and overall people would say I have a good life. But below the surface I have always had this feeling of gloom within me since childhood which I had been pushing aside while things were going well, but now that I am going through a difficult time I feel like I am doomed and I can’t see the future with positivity. I am in my 30s, my parents are getting older and all of a sudden I’m worried that I won’t be able to take care of myself and be happy.

I am going through some major changes in my life, it feels like starting over and I have completely lost motivation to grow, to move forward, to keep going and achieving. I am overwhelmed by the obstacles I will be facing. After years in a successful career I became disillusioned with the industry and I am about to start a new job in a different industry. I have been living in a beautiful, exciting city which is where I always wanted to be and now I feel this is not for me anymore and I have decided to move. I have realised it’s not easy to create meaningful relationships with my current lifestyle and I now feel I need to make space in my life for this.

My life so far has been great but it’s time for change and it’s scary. I need to be an adult and despite my many achievements I still feel inadequate and unable to cope. My energy levels are extremely low. In the last 6 months I have been going through a lot of anxiety and constant low mood. I feel a total lack of enthusiasm for what should be a new exciting chapter of my life and all I can think of is how hard it will be and I will not succeed in finding peace. I don’t feel I have it in me to go through it and make things happen for me anymore. My very few friends don’t live close by and I feel pretty much alone emotionally. I feel like a failure for not being able to surround myself with good friends and maintain the relationships. I am too centred on myself and my worries and I isolate myself when I feel down. Maybe if I had forged stronger relationships I would feel at home where I am now and would not need to start over again somewhere else, alone.

My years of exploring, learning and having fun are over. I am faced with some important decisions that are transitioning me into the harsh reality of being an adult and taking responsibility for myself. It’s scary. I feel people my age are ahead of me and are more content with their life. I feel I still need to build the foundations of my life. I am single and would like to have a relationship but I don’t feel ready as I don’t feel happy with who I am. I don’t value myself enough. The decisions I have made in the last few months are defining my new identity and I am scared of who I am going to be and of not being happy with what I see in the mirror. I am very hard on myself, I am a perfectionist I think. I hate mediocrity and I am afraid of having failed at building a great life. I can’t stop seeing my latest developments in my life as a failure. I achieved my childhood dreams in terms of career and life experiences but I now need to make a different decision for my wellbeing and I am blaming myself for not matching the idea of me that I always had in my mind.

I also feel guilty for thinking that my parents should have done more to achieve more, as they had the means and skills to do it but they always felt content with less and I resent them for that. That’s why I felt compelled to achieve great things, I didn’t want to settle for a mediocre life, but now it feels like I am. I think I am putting too much emphasis on achievements in order to be happy and now that reality has hit me, life doesn’t seem as exciting as it I thought it would. I worry that I will sink into the life of mediocrity that I always tried to avoid. I am aware that I am unable to feel gratitude and this is probably what keeps me miserable. I think if I just believed in myself and was more confident, my life would be much easier especially when making decisions. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but I do and feel inadequate. I always feel unfulfilled and it’s hard to live like this.

I hope I will find the strength to go through this time of change and be kind to myself and also start feeling good about life again.

Thank you for reading