I think I have too. Which is why I’m taking this all so hard in the first place. I mean I might be taking a lot of setbacks personally, but there have been a lot, and now this heartache. It’s like a downhill spiral and this is the pit. But I do have a therapist, and she’s been helpful trying to get me to say everything in my head 

I know keeping to myself isn’t the best but it feels like I’m running out of people who could understand. And I know my friends are happy because that’s what they seem to focus on the most. Like me and three of my friends went on vacation in August and it was all new jobs and wedding pinterest boards and gushing about boyfriends and new apartments and houses and stuff. And I just don’t feel like I relate that much to my friends. They’ve tried to reach out and I applaud them for trying to be nice, especially since a couple of them have lost a parent too, they know what I’m dealing with. But I don’t think they know what it’s like to be all the way in my situation, and I honestly can’t expect anyone to understand because they haven’t dealt with all of these things, and if they have, not at the same time. I’m better at answering questions because even I don’t know how to put how I’m feeling into words, but I can try to any time to vent. Because at the very least I think an unbiased opinion helps

1. Intimacy in all meanings of the word. Emotionally, physically, all of that. I was in relationships in title, meaning the ones I’ve had they called me their girlfriend but they didn’t care much about how I felt to really listen and understand where I’m coming from with problems. And because if that during that time, a long time ago now, I thought more about how to defend what I thought Instead of their rebuttals to what I thought. I do the same with friends. Because I don’t want to be a buzzkill I don’t really rely on them when I’m feeling down, just when I’m neutral or feeling okay. But by that same token that means my family gets the brunt of the downside and i know they get kind of annoyed with it so I get it out in spurts and then try to stay cool and collected most of the time. I think that’s what the problem with my being single actually is. All the extra stuff is just the extra stuff. But over time I’ve learned how to take people how they are at any moment, but over time I’ve gotten afraid to let other people expect the same from me
2. I don’t know. That just seems to be the response I get from other people when I’m specifically talking about romantic relationships. Whenever they ask me how dating is going they’ve gotten to a point where they think that I’m too picky. And admittedly I do turn down guys pretty quickly and I am really picky with my type, but it’s because I waited this long. I for damn sure am not going to waste any time on someone I absolutely know wouldn’t work out. I’m playing for keeps

I know it takes work and I know no one is truly ecstatic about the mundane, but most people would rather boring and mundane as opposed to sad or negative things. And they’ll talk about the things they go through too, like whenever they have disagreements or their job is pissing them off or something, but having more good days or boring days is better than nothing, and there’s disagreements but they’re workoutable and that’s better than having someone beat you or threaten to leave you. Having someone you can talk to about anything and even if they don’t agree you can go back and forth about opinions until they get to a point where everything makes sense. Nothing is ever 100% amazing and that’s not what I’m looking for. Just that even on the worst of days there’s a balance of the good

I think too that everything I’ve been feeling has been negative for so long I’m starting to annoy myself. So I’m okay to let them get annoyed at me for what I’m saying and thinking. I don’t want to be this negative and I don’t want to feel this down. I hate that I’ve taken everything that’s happening and I’m probably just blowing it out of proportion but I just want my own good luck. I want to feel like I’m moving forward and the work I put in is paying off, or something. And even if I turn out to be one of those people who don’t end up with that much luck, I just don’t want any more bad luck. I’d rather nothing at all than disappointments and heart breaking 

That’s what I was hoping for, and I did know that trying to be open and candid was going to be really difficult. But I feel like if I do that from jump street it would make that obvious early on whether or not they would listen and try to understand and make it easier to keep doing it. And it’s always been pretty wary for me to do so hopefully it would be moderately smooth from there. It’s just getting there, and trying to feel like it’s even possible to meet that person 

I was referring to when you’d said that they were just talking about the happy parts instead of about the reality. Yeah everyone gushes about the good but my friends have known each other since middle school so if it’s bad enough they’ll talk about it. But that means you can assume that it’s fine. No one likes paying bills but when you can afford them that means you have a good job. Relationships could get bad if you have to tell the person to do the same things over and over again, but that also means you have someone to make good times with just as well. I’m just saying that nothing is roses all the time but it’s better than nothing but mad luck and sadness

I think it’s a little bit of both. To most people it probably is just normal typical complaining. Like I complain about still not being able to get hired in my field, not being able to move out of my parents house, being single and hardly being able to date, my job now and how it’s not what I want to be doing, not having privacy for staying in my family living room…just a lot of weird stuff. And the only reason I keep trying to make things not a big deal is because of the amount of people who preach always being positive and all that, but at the same time these situations all impede on something else I’m trying to do with my life so it drives me nuts, rather than just being boring or just life stuff  

In that regard then it feels like the piling troubles and shitstorm of grief that I’m in doesn’t feel like it’ll end any time soon. Essentially you’re talking about letting a bad day pass and then weighing the good days even heavier because the bad day is over. Like how people say you have to experience pain to get true joy. But the thing I can’t get anyone to understand is what do you do when you feel like you’ve just been on a slope, and there’s not many highs to even speak of? I mean I was so optimistic when I’d graduated in June, but like two weeks after that doctors said my mom was getting worse. Then I thought she’d get better going to the specialty clinic in August so all summer was alright. Quit my job, had a vacation, that was cool, then we find out nothing can help her. Then from September to October I was applying, still hopeful, but then came an avalanche of job rejections so then I was broke. Then I got my job back in late October which was cool, I get some money even though I don’t want to work there, and she died not even a week after I went back. I keep reading these things about being grateful for small things, but I feel like the only thing I have to be grateful for is being alive and even that sucks. It just feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, there’s no way out of this shitstorm, and how much things go up there’ll be more disappointments immediately around the corner. It just isn’t balanced. I know no ones life is great but for most for every bad event there’s an equal number of good. I feel like for me it’s highly disproportionate

And doesn’t that make me a shitty person if I don’t talk with my friends? Like I’m blaming them because my life sucks ass? I like them a lot but it’s just a constant reminder of exactly how much shit is going on. Plus in a way I’m tired of always being the sad friend. Like catching up is always “I’m dating a new guy and got a promotion what about you?” My response is mostly “same as always and I’m not dead.”   I really am trying it just always seems like it’s for nothing, and trying to explain that to people who just float through life and stumble upon good news is damn near impossible