Hi, I am very new to here. I have no idea whether this is the right place to voice out my problem or not, but I hope someone can give me some advice. Please don’t mind my English.

First of all, I am a Semi-Buddhist who deeply believes in Buddhism, especially the Mahayana and Bodhisattva path, but hasn’t fully and really got into the Upasaka （Home Buddhist) stage yet. In other words, I don’t call myself as a real Buddhist because I am still on non-vegetarian diet and still hasn’t officially accepted any precepts or Vinaya yet. Besides, I actually only plan to concentrate completely on the Buddhism teaching at the age of 45 or later at the age of retirement.

As for now, I am still young and energetic, so I have many things that I want to do and achieve. But I have many fears in my life and my biggest fear is loneliness. I am actually fear of dying alone and fear of dying with regrets at the end of my life.

Honestly, I am a shy introvert (I know shyness and introversion are two different things, but I have both). So, people who don’t know me may feel that I am unfriendly and anti-social. I do not have many friends since I am not comfortable on socializing with others, but I have some few good friends whom I can count on in my life. Sadly, that isn’t enough for me. FYI, I also deeply believe in astrology and I found out that I was born with Sun in Leo and Moon in Scorpio. There has been a “wild animal” staying inside my soul. I guess only people with same placement as me would know this. I have problems dealing with my deep and extreme emotions that can scare the hell out of the people surrounding me. Sorry, I really have no idea how to describe my emotions. It is deep and complex but I will always only smile to everyone and act like nothing has happened. I am not trying to be fake but I just have no idea how to express my emotions or thoughts appropriately without hurting or scaring anybody else. Besides, at times, I can become very observant and good digger of truths or problems because it seems that sometimes I will be lucky enough to observe any wrongdoings or mistakes by someone that are mostly hidden to others before any unintended consequences. It is like those mistakes or problems suddenly appear right in front of me.

Now, there are two major problems here. The first one is I am gay. I have read Buddhism Sutra and found out that homosexuality is although not a sin, but it is against the law of nature or karma. In other words, it will bring bad karma. Being homosexual means bringing the karmic debt to be paid off in this lifetime because of: 1) teasing or insulting homosexual people in the past life 2) having sexual relationship with own family members (if I am not mistaken) in past life 3) preferring girly stuffs in past life and few more reasons…. I can quote them here but those are in Mandarin. I may use Google translate if quote is requested. You may call me superstitious, but this is what I believe.

So, I have hidden my true sexuality away from my family members and friends because I am afraid of disappointing and scaring them. I really have nowhere to go. FYI, I am from Asia and I think Asians are not as open-minded and democratic as Westerners in regards to homosexuality. I am really lonely because of this.

The second major problem is I am always seeking for people to have deep and meaningful relationship with me but it seems that the people I have met so far, including my good friends, are seeking for much more balance relationship with everyone. However, I really can’t stand with people that are superficial and realistic. I just want to feel safe and secure but I am suspicious of everybody and don’t trust others easily. That’s the problem. Sometimes, I think myself as selfish but I am willing to sacrifice anything for people who can pass my “test”. Am I selfish or immature? Or such relationship is just way too “expensive” to afford? I don’t know…. It maybe because my expectations are high.

Thanks and Regards.