February 22, 2018 at 6:40 am #193841
In short I got into a serious relationship last year. My partner was from Singapore, but originally a student here. We fell in love deeply and planned for our future together. However, in the UK, he needed a work permit to be able to stay. I've never saw someone try as hard for one as he did, but sadly he couldn't get one and had to return. (Singapore is a well advanced country, so he didn't need to stay here. He wanted to, but it wasn't necessary). We got engaged, because we loved each other and didn't want to have to live apart. We would have to be apart for a certain amount of time, but the ultimate goal was to get married. Whilst we originally wanted to live here at least first, we also weren't opposed to living in Singapore neither.
Cut to when he went home in November 2017, things were fine at first. It hurt us both, but we maintained contact and had the same end goal in sight. However, I have severe anxiety and he began to become more and more distant. He was unable to understand how much this triggered my anxiety to say the least. Whilst he'd show periods of love and affection, he'd claim that he couldn't stand all the drama, without realising a lot of the time it was because of miscommunication. He was under a lot of stress, and is quite a private/avoidant person.
After awhile, it became unbearable. We broke up in January, he was pretty vile about it. After some going back and forth, it seemed that's what he wanted and I never begged him to return, but made my feelings clear and that I had believed our issues were resolvable. However, his own mood swings were unbearable for me too at this point, so I left it at that. After awhile, he contacted me about money he owed me. We had a nice conversation on the phone, he said he hadn't meant he didn't love me any more, he missed me and his life here, but felt we should think things through. Fair enough. The day after was Valentine's Day, he sent me a message for that. The day after, he wrote to me with some updates in his life and then again, he just ghosted.
After around 5 days, I contacted him and basically said I couldn't be left hanging by a string. He snapped at me and claimed we should call it all off, then texted me shortly after saying he was sorry, he was just tired and if we could talk tomorrow. I said I wasn't sure, if he really wanted to end things, I saw no reason to drag it out and he should feel lucky after all he's put me through. He apologised again, said he'd felt really negative lately, wished I'd sleep well and that we'd talk the following day. Well, he never did contact me, despite him suggesting it. I tried to contact him, nothing. So I took upon myself to give myself closure and sent him an amicable message to end things on a more pleasant note, since it seemed his mind was made up. Today is his birthday, so I'd wished him a nice day for that too. He never responded so eventually I snapped and basically said he'd had one too many chances, he didn't realise my worth in short. He's avoided reading it, and frankly, I don't understand why he can't just give me the closure I need.
I'd give him another chance, quite stupidly. We'd planned to have a family together, etc. But only if he massively proved himself and made the effort I deserve, would be the only way I'd do that. I just don't know what to make of it all. Obviously at this point I have no intentions of contacting him any more, because if he doesn't want me, I deserve better!
I just wondered what others opinions were on this really.
Best wishes to all!February 22, 2018 at 9:52 am #193911
There are three things I see as possible factors here: one is his desire to live in the UK, to get a work permit. He had some motivation to live and work in the UK. I wonder how much, if at all, that played into the relationship. Then there is some money he owed you, or still owes. That may have played a part as well. Then there is that severe anxiety you mentioned, on your part, a certain drama in the relationship fueled by your anxiety.
In your efforts to “know what to make of it”, if you would like, elaborate on the first possible factors, and on that drama you created? Or did he create such as well?
anitaFebruary 22, 2018 at 10:34 am #193915
Thank you for responding Anita.
He never really wanted to go back to his home country, because he prefers it here. He gets depressed easily in his home country. When we got together, he was very upfront about the circumstances but was convinced someone would sponsor a work permit. We discussed the possibility of marriage, because in the long run we wanted to live together and start a family. Of course to many this looked like he'd just marry me for the sake of staying in the UK, but he bought me a beautiful ring and we discussed things in depth. There was genuine affection there.
Money wise, he's still not paid me back. It wasn't a great deal of money. Basically, he owed his old flat mate for bills. When he went back to Singapore, he didn't have a job and the friend needed the money. Since he didn't have much money, and he's probably have had to pay a conversion fee, he asked me to pay it for him meanwhile. At the time, he was very grateful, felt bad and kept mentioning about paying it back. I told him not to worry. Even when we broke up, I told him to pay it when he could afford it. At first he tried to get a friend here, who owed him money to pay me. Then he expected me to sell his stuff I have here. In the end, I guess he realised that was unreasonable so reached out.
It wasn't a specific drama. It was basically because my anxiety was so bad, I'd start overly worrying and thinking things such as he'd leave me, etc. I'd need admittedly, a lot of reassurance, but then he'd end up getting distance and not contacting me. It seemed like I was being dramaful in his eyes, when really I just wanted to resolve our issues and move forward. He found it exhausting once he took on a job, because he felt he'd have to spend too much time reassuring me. In my eyes, if he'd better kept in touch, I wouldn't get as anxious something had changed.
He promised he wouldn't leave many, many times. But I kept feeling something wasn't right and the more distant he got, the more afraid I got.
CaseyFebruary 22, 2018 at 10:36 am #193917
I should also mention, he's now afraid to come back to the UK in case he can't find a fulfilling job he wants to do everyday. He's prone to depressive episodes and he's concerned about the financial side, coming back.February 22, 2018 at 10:51 am #193931
From the sounds of it, the engagement and relationship is over for at least for now. You are in the UK. He is in Singapore. He does not have money. You are self-admittedly an over anxious person who needs constant reassurance. He is not great in communicating or at least not wanting to communicate as much because him needing to reassure you frequently.
You have decided at least a couple of times to move on. I don't see a reason not to. I am not sure what else you need in order to do that. You want the money he owes you in order to get closure and move on? I would consider that gone and if he ever pays you back then that's a bonus.
MarkFebruary 22, 2018 at 11:06 am #193943
It is my understanding based on your posts that he is experiencing lots of distress living with or close to his family. Since he is back there, you mentioned he suffers from depression (“He gets depressed easily in his home country”) and you mentioned his mood swings and snapping at you.
Your drama only added to his drama living with, or closely interacting with his family in Singapore.
A key sentence that supports this understanding of mine is in your original post: “in the UK, he needed a work permit to be able to stay. I've never saw someone try as hard for it as he did.”
He really wanted to stay because he desperately did not want to live close to his family, is what I am thinking.
anitaFebruary 22, 2018 at 11:43 am #193953
I'm not that concerned about the money, he reached out about that to me on his own. I have been in long distance relationships before, and as long as I have stable contact and an idea of where it is going, I'm okay with that. I'm just the type of person when even if it's over, I'd rather end it on a nice note. I feel I at least deserve an apology, and I don't want to keep going back and forth if he contacts me again. The thing is, he reached out to me to say he was sorry, and wanted to talk the following day and is now avoiding the situation. I just don't understand why he can't give me closure if it's over.
Thanks for the response!
I think you might be onto something there. He's a very private person and often told me he felt certain members of his family were negative to be around. It's sad he feels I added to his difficult situation, but we did have plans that could have alleviated that. I feel my anxiety would have been massively reduced, if he's simply contacted me a little more or we had a set time for communication or something.
I guess there's nothing I can do now, but move on.
CaseyFebruary 22, 2018 at 12:51 pm #193963
You are welcome. Having had set times for communications reads like a reasonable arrangement to me and if that would have calmed you, that would have been excellent.
I hope you do find the closure you need.