Thank you Seaisland and Jack for posting on my thread.

More notes on my healing path, ongoing:

Recently I see my mother in a different way than that in which I have seen her my whole life. My focus has been on her. I saw her as the hurting child. It broke my heart, that she hurt, that her needs were unmet, that she was unhappy. Recently, I see her as one that HURT me again and again and again, many thousands of times. Simply one with the whip, hitting me again and again… and again. I see the REPETITION of it clearly. I see she hurt me, attacked me again and again… suddenly (not so suddenly, but it appears this way) she is no longer the HURT one, that one that I have hurt. “Suddenly” she is the one hurting me. Through no fault of my own. How strange. I insisted on thinking all these decades, insisted on thinking she was a good mother, a good person. It is so very, very strange to see her as a bad person (and it is difficult for me to type, as I just did: “Bad”).

Of course she was born good and nobody has loved her more than I did; nobody has seen her goodness more than I did. But now, I see, in relation to ME, that she was a bad person. In relation to me, she was a bad person. I can’t tell you how mind boggling this is to me.

To think that I did not deserve to be hurt by her, that it was not my fault, that she did hurt me again and again, many and many thousands of times, many of those times with anger and rage, with the desire to inflict pain upon me- through no fault of my own is ground breaking still, for me. I BELIEVED I deserved it. I was almost, absolutely sure of it.

Seeing her differently, seeing me in relation to her differently is changing a long held belief, one I don’t remember being without. To give up seeing my mother as the innocent victim of me, the evil one… giving her the badness that belongs to her. Freeing me from that badness that I distortedly believed was mine.

To SEE, see her like that feels like losing something precious, that my own mother loved me and never meant to hurt me. That my own mother loved me. I don’t understand.
anita

Dear Jack: we posted at the same time, didn’t see your last post. No, you didn’t come across as ignorant … even though I mentioned Donald Trump… no, no, no. People, many people don’t get that childhood experiences are parts of the forming brain, they think that by an act of will, a person can remove those experiences… while they themselves cannot.

I think there is a problem with tiny buddha, can’t get to the recent forums page.

anita

* Pam: if you want to start a new thread:

1. Click FORUMS on top. You will get categories on the left.

2. Click on one of the categories: maybe, Emotional Mastery. You will get a list of threads, a list of titles of threads.

3. Go down the page. Below all the titles, you will have a box for a new title- type inside it. Below the box of the title, there is a box for your post.

anita