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The more I think of the way my sister has treated me the more I resent her?

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  • September 26, 2015 at 6:09 pm #84181
    Phoebe
    Participant

    Hi.
    I can easily summarize the way she treats me and has treated me all of my life at this: She does not respect me as a person. She judges me for every personal choice I’ve ever made. She expects me to do everything she asks of me without question and if for any reason I don’t she tries to make me feel like I am a horrible selfish person. She believes that she knows what I should do with my life and if I don’t follow her advice she acts extremely indignant and tries to make me feel stupid for believing that I know what I want. Every time I mention that I am going out with my boyfriend or friends, she becomes extremely snarky and mean towards me. She does not respect my independence or ability to choose the life I want for myself. She holds things against me for years. She genuinely believes she is better than me in every way(intelligence, beauty, moral standards, maturity, personality) and consistently reminds me of my inferiority in all of these categories.

    The more I try to analyze our relationship and figure out the best way to improve it and to keep our daily arguments from happening, the more I realize that she will never stop being cruel to me and cutting me down. I know it stems from her own internal problems, her own anxieties and self-doubt. I love her and empathize with what she must be going through and I wish I could help her overcome these negative emotions but I know that I can’t. I am tired of being made to feel less-than, and I am tired of being judged for following my gut and doing what I want to do. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, and it would be really difficult to do so since we both currently are living at home. I am 20 and she is 22, she recently graduated from college and after 2 years I decided college wasn’t for me and got my pharmacy technician certificate. I have 10 grand in student loans on my back and she has 50 grand on hers, and we have both committed ourselves to living with our parents until she goes to grad school and I pay off my debt.

    I have tried on numerous occasions over the past six years to tell her how I feel and figure out how we can not step on each others toes. Nothing has ever worked. I’ve told my parents, and they can’t help fix whats wrong with our relationship. My sister, as much as I love her, is a constant negativity in my life.

    I don’t know how to make my current situation live-able. Any advice is welcome.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Phoebe.
    September 26, 2015 at 6:58 pm #84190
    jock
    Participant

    <

    I am tired of being judged for following my gut and doing what I want to do.

    In my opinion, you have to be true to yourself. (to thine own self be true!)
    This is painful but worse pain will follow if you aren’t true to yourself.
    You owe it to yourself to maintain courage through this.
    And you might need to have to have stricter boundaries with your sister.
    In the long run, your sister will respect you but it will take time. (perhaps after you both leave home, facing more responsibilities)

    September 26, 2015 at 7:27 pm #84193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phoebe:

    I want to make a point about empathy in an abusive relationship (which is your relationship with your sister, she abusing you):

    When person A is being abused by person B, it is not the job of person A to feel empathy for person B. It is not appropriate for person A to engage and act on empathy for person B. It is person A’s job and responsibility to get away or otherwise stop the abuse. Not to feel empathy for the abuser.

    I feel very strongly about this as I experienced it in my life, feeling empathy for my abuser and that kept me trapped in sickness. i finally realized that although my abuser deserves empathy for her sufferings, it is not MY empathy that she deserves. And I hope she gets empathy from someone that is not being abused by her or was not abused by her (with no repair).

    Since you live in the same house, can you strongly assert yourself with her, talk harshly with her, that is tell her with force in your voice and body language, tell her in no uncertain terms that her input is not invited, that you want to hear nothing from her but the most trivial things, like who is using the bathroom first and food business in the refrigerator, stuff like that but nothing else!

    anita

    September 26, 2015 at 8:09 pm #84194
    jock
    Participant

    anita
    that is so important, your point about misplaced empathy for abusers. I still do it, not as much but it annoys to think I still fall for that one “oh I need to feel sorry for them, they’ve had a hard time”.
    The lesson is : protect yourself completely!…first.

    September 28, 2015 at 12:14 pm #84310
    Phoebe
    Participant

    Thank you all for your advice. In the past couple of days I’ve come to realize just how much I am still allowing this manipulative relationship to rule my life. Coming to this realization has been slow. When I was a teenager I thought everything really was my fault and I was always angry towards my sister. Coming into my college years I started to empathize and feel sorry for her, allowing her to treat me the way she does but taking it all far less personally. This was much easier due to the fact that she was attending university in another state. Now that everything has come full circle and we are living together again, I’ve been struggling with constantly empathizing and not wanting to hurt HER feelings(walking around on egg shells). It’s tough, and I’m working on not allowing her to make me feel responsible for her emotions.

    I have a specific situation to deal with on my hands now. Yesterday sister suddenly says ” Hey I just want to let you know that if you want to go out with just your friends on your birthday, I won’t be upset.” She said this in a very very calm way. I told her I hadn’t even planned my birthday yet(it’s in a month), so I didn’t know what I would be doing. She just kept repeating that it really was okay with her if I went with just my friends, and how she honestly wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t want her to go. Truth be told, no I don’t want her to go, and I honestly don’t know why she would want to go. The problem comes from how she then started showing me the outfits that she was thinking of wearing “if” she gets invited to go, and she was trying to help me pick out my outfit. It was just strange. My mom, who had heard what she said pulled me aside and told me that she thought my sister had said that because her feelings really would be hurt if I didn’t invite her, and my mom asked me if I would invite her. I told her I didn’t know.

    The whole ordeal is strange and I don’t know what I should do.

    September 28, 2015 at 1:12 pm #84313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phoebe
    .. and Jack, regarding empathy for the abuser: can you imagine, in nature, the prey animal feeling empathy for the predator? … In recent news, prey no longer run for their lives for fear running away may hurt the predators’ feelings. Or, prey deciding not to fight for their lives for fear the aggression in the fighting will hurt the predator’s feeling?

    Phoebe, regarding your sister: she obviously is aware of the POWER she affected over you, letting you know she will not be upset if you don’t invite her. She wouldn’t have mentioned that if she didn’t think that her being upset will have a powerful affect on you. So she knows.

    The question is: will she be upset or not if you don’t invite her? Maybe better ask another question: can YOU not .. care whether your sister is upset or not?

    That would be perfect: take her unrighteous power away from her.

    anita

    September 28, 2015 at 1:14 pm #84314
    Anonymous
    Guest

    post needs to take…

    September 28, 2015 at 1:27 pm #84317
    Phoebe
    Participant

    Anita, thank you. I will definitely try to not to care if she is upset or not. It’s hard because I love her, but I think I can do it. Thank you again 🙂

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