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The pain of losing someone you feel spiritually connected to

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  • #356510
    Chris
    Participant

    Hi,

    I had what I feel like was some kind of spiritual experience a few years ago that ended up being very painful. I thought I got over it but in reality I buried the emotions of it all and distracted myself with work etc but it has now come to surface with a vengeance during lockdown.

    I worked with a girl for a year and we always seemed to have a magnetic connection to each other with very intense eye contact etc and there just seemed to be an intense energy between us. During a work Christmas party I wanted to make my feelings known. I gently kissed her and I honestly don’t remember how long it lasted or what happened. It’s like I was paralysed by the kiss and having an otherworldly experience. All I remember is her eventually saying she had to go and running away. The evening after I remember my left ear was burning and very red for at least an hour. At the time I thought nothing of it.

    When we returned to work after Christmas, she couldn’t seem to look at me and the tension was unbearable. I wanted to move things forward but I wasn’t sure if that’s what she wanted and I felt scared by the intense feelings I was having. I guess I couldn’t bear to be rejected by her and still have to work with her. A few weeks later it was announced she was leaving for another job. Shortly after I couldn’t bear it anymore and knew I loved her and ran after her after she left work one day to ask her out. She said no. That same night my left ear was burning again.

    A few days later during lunch with other colleagues discussing what we did over the weekend she mentioned she spent it with her ex boyfriend. I was absolutely devastated, but respected her decision. We all went out for drinks for her leaving do but she couldn’t seem to look or speak to me – in fact she actively avoided me. She was speaking to another colleague about how her ex boyfriend came back and said he loves her etc. I was broken and got drunk getting separated and didn’t even see her to try and say goodbye. The next day I stupidly found her on Facebook and sent her a message to take care and that I would like to stay in touch and added her as a friend. However she sent me a message saying best of luck with everything I do and she didn’t accept the friend request. I thought she loved her boyfriend and that she didn’t want anything to do with me.

    During the next few months I would quite often feel the same phenomena of my left ear burning. A few months later she sent an email to my boss to forward on to all of her old colleagues about having a catch up. At the time I thought she was with her boyfriend and that the message wasn’t intended for me. I carried on suffering in silence at work until several months later I quit and did a bit of travelling.

    During this time I had a bad climbing accident and ended up in hospital. When I was in hospital my left ear started burning again and I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and vowed that I would contact her when I was better and returned home. When I did find her on Facebook again and contacted her, I saw she had another boyfriend different to her ex. It was at this moment I realised that maybe her message to all of us had been specifically for me and she left her ex boyfriend for me. But because I never reached out and I was so hurt and confused I didn’t take action and just believed she didn’t want me. Now it was too late and she had now moved on and found someone else. This made me feel sick in the stomach and I went about 2 weeks without eating and crying at work.

    Now in lockdown I can’t stop myself reliving this story and how I could/should have done things differently. I also wonder what the left ear burning actually meant and if it really was true love but somehow I ruined it or it just wasn’t meant to be? It’s so weird because we were never together but the connection was so intensely powerful that she has a part of my heart like no other woman has.

    The hardest part is that I’ve never spoken to anyone about this. Male friends just don’t understand and because we were never together it’s like I don’t deserve to feel heartbreak but I feel more heartbreak for her than with an ex girlfriend. Is there any advice on how to finally let go and move on?

    Thanks,

    Chris

    #356744
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Chris

    It’s so hard when you feel such chemistry but it’s only one-sided, we’ve all been there! Sadly, I think this is the position in which you find yourself.

    It’s so easy to read things into some situations which simply aren’t there. The email was almost certainly intended for everyone in your office (although I wonder at someone who expects the boss to do the circulating of said email!).

    I think you’ve built up a ‘relationship’ with this woman in your head which really doesn’t exist. I suspect you suffer from low self-esteem and perhaps should spend some time trying to build your confidence so that, next time you are attracted to someone (and, yes, it will happen again!) you are able to simply ask them out. Even if they say no, you will be able to take it on the chin.

    There is lots of useful information online about low self-esteem, the causes of it and what to do about it.

    Regarding the ear thing, very odd. It seems to happen to you in time of stress so I wonder if it’s caused by muscle spasm or teeth clenching because of anxiety. Might be worth getting it checked out by a GP just to assure yourself it’s nothing more than that – if you’ve had no hearing loss, it probably isn’t.

    Hope this helps.

    Jan

    #356764
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chris:

    “I had what I feel like was some kind of spiritual experience a few years ago”- reads like an emotional experience: you felt very intensely for this woman.

    “we always seemed to have a magnetic connection to each other with very intense eye contact etc.. an intense energy between us“- reads to me that you felt a magnetic and intense connection to her, but she didn’t feel that way. It was a one sided experience: yours, not hers. It felt to you that it was mutual, you believed it was  mutual, but you were wrong.

    “I gently kissed her.. It’s like I was paralysed by the kiss and having an otherworldly experience”- you had an emotionally intense experience that overwhelmed you, it felt so intense that you figured that this feeling must belong to another world.

    “her eventually saying she had to go and running away… she couldn’t seem to look at me.. I loved her and ran after her to ask her out. She said no… she couldn’t seem to look or speak to me- in fact she actively avoided me.. added her as a friend. However she .. didn’t accept the friend request”- she was consistently not interested in you, not as a friend and not as a boyfriend.

    Even though she never expressed an interest in you and repeatedly expressed a disinterest in you, you kept believing that she was interested in you because your left ear “was burning and very red”. Now, why would a person dismiss the woman’s expressed disinterest and focus on one’s burning red ear as a sign that this is after all a love story meant to be..?

    After you kissed her and she ran away from you: “I remember my left ear was burning and very red for at least an hour”. After you asked her out and she said no: “That same night my left ear was burning again”. For months: “I would quite often feel the same phenomenon of my left ear burning”. When you were in the hospital: “my left ear started burning again”.

    At the hospital, because your left ear was burning again, you “vowed that I would contact her when I was better and returned home”- because you believed that your burning ear was a spiritual sign that meant that she loved you and that you should contact her. Later you saw that she had a new boyfriend, and you figured- with no evidence at all- that she wanted you to be her boyfriend, but you were not around, so she settled for another man.

    “I also wonder what the left ear burning actually meant and if it really was true love”- it was true love in your experience, not in her experience. The “burning and very red” ear (if you did not experience other symptoms in addition to the burning, red ears,  such as fever, flaky skin, swollen ears, etc.) could be a result of what is called flushing: a severe form of blushing, caused by emotional excitement: the hormone adrenaline is secreted into the blood, causing the heart to pump lots of blood into the arteries, all the way to the ears, and because the blood vessels in the ears are very close to the skin, the ears look red and feel like burning. It could be that you touched your left ear a lot when that happened, causing it to look more red and feel more burning than the right ear.

    www. medicalnewstoday. com: “Flushed skin occurs when the hundreds of tiny blood vessels just beneath the skin dilate, or widen.. they rapidly fill with more blood, which can make the skin appear red or pink. This effect is more noticeable in regions of the body where the blood vessels are closest to the skin.. Flushed skin may also feel hot to the touch or cause a slight burning sensation… Being anxious or embarrassed can cause the body to release hormones, such as adrenaline, that temporarily dilate the blood vessels and lead to reddening of the skin… Alcohol raises blood pressure and causes the blood vessels to expand which can cause flushed skin”.

    In summary: I think that you suffer from a delusion (a false belief that is not based on evidence and doesn’t change with contradictory evidence), and your delusion is that she loves you and that there is a love story that is meant to be with her, meant by some spiritual entity. I think that during this lockdown, it is important that you exercise every day, take a fast, long walk once or twice a day, if possible, that you prepare a daily routine otherwise, so that there is some structure in your day. Look at the home page of this site for guided meditation suggestions and such. Headspace is a website that offers many guided meditations and mindfulness exercises for people suffering during the lockdown (and otherwise). If you don’t suffer from symptoms other than an occasional red ear, pay attention and don’t touch or rub or scratch your left ear. If you do suffer from other symptoms, contact a medical professional.

    anita

     

    #356888
    Fleur
    Participant

    We both felt the connection

    Anyone could see the connection

    I tried for more this he was unable to give me he had mental health issues and knew we could only be friends. Knowing I had mental health issues also it was simple he said no and I couldn’t handle it. I tried to buy his love through buying in on his addictions.

    Yes self love I don’t love who I see as I try to look into myself I see too much

    I became obsessed by him I had to look after him he knew this the people pleaser in me.things being difficult with him being my neighbor.

     

    He passed away two weeks ago in his sleep I’m heartbroken I’m hoping he’s at peace

     

    We had I called a stop/rewind/play relationship

    #357340
    tartansky
    Participant

    What a sad story.

    And like Fleur, I know what it’s like too, in my own way.

    I have no desire to go into detail at this point– it was years ago and far away– but the man I’m spiritually connected to has not left my mind or heart after well over a decade. We met as coworkers, as in Chris’ case. We don’t speak now but have sort of “thought out loud” about each other on Facebook and elsewhere in the past.

    Objectively, I’ve always known he was no damn good for me. He was married when we met, and had a reputation for being a skirt chaser as well as a foul-tempered narc with a drinking problem. Right there are tons of good reasons for not even wanting to be in the same county! Yet none of that, nor time nor distance, has stopped me from wondering “what if” anyway…

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