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The perfect guy?

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  • #392284
    Mae
    Participant

    I am an extremely busy graduate student. After conversing with a couple of my friends about the rarity of finding a partner while in grad school without putting any effort into it, I downloaded hinge. The following day I matched with R. The main thing that attracted me was that he was open on his profile about his HSV diagnosis. I think I would have walked away from that in the past, but I took that as a show of his character and honesty. After talking a bit, we made a date to go mini-golfing that next Saturday, and as I continued to talk to him, I realized I could really see something with this dude. The only thing was that he said he was looking for a semi-serious relationship because he was leaving for medical school the next year. Harvard educated and going to medical school soon, no social media, wanting to get to know the people he dates (not about the action), thoughtful conversation. -Patience. One major thing I saw was that I was initiating most of the conversation, but I chucked it up to him being shy. So we finally met in person, its a bit awkward but fun. He was the most grounded, calm soul I had ever met. I literally would not think he was 28 yrs old. He gave off 98. When we finally sat down to have our dinner after our meal to have a conversation, it felt like it was just him and me in the room. – So jump forward to the next day after our date. I ask him where his head is, and he says he likes me and wants to see me, but it may be a waste of time since I told him that I wanted a long-term relationship, and he wants to start his relationships more casual. I tried negotiating with him – then I realized that I had been in this situation before and said it wasn’t a good idea- then went back to negotiating to say I was comfortable with him seeing other people but sleeping with others was a no-go. Ultimately we both decided that it would be a one-sided relationship, and we should stop now before real emotions got involved. It has been a couple of days now, and I’m sad, and I want to reach out – I think I still want him in my life, but I recognize the current incompatibility in our needs. He also said he doesn’t befriend people he is attracted to, so the friend’s thing is out the door.  I had an idea that I should reach out and let him know that I am still open to connecting again and hanging out if he ever changed his mind – but I’m not sure if that is the right approach or if I should let it go altogether?

    #392285
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    The main thing that attracted me was that he was open on his profile about his HSV diagnosis… a show of his character and honesty” – it is responsible of him to be open and upfront about his chronic, lifetime genital herpes simplex virus infection (HSV-2), he is doing the right thing letting women know about it upfront. His honesty and responsibility on this matter is a Positive, but his HSV is still a Negative: once you get it, you are stuck with it for life, it goes away and comes back… again and again… and again, for the rest of your life, blistering sores, itching, pain during urination, and more. There are antiviral medications that effectively lessen the symptoms but there is no cure.

    Also, HSV transfers from one person to another not only through sexual contact, but through skin-to-skin contact, so if you have a partner with HSV, you have to know when a blister starts forming and to not touch it accidently.

    The perfect guy?” you asked the title of your thread. Answer: nope.

    Before you met him in-person, he told you that “he was looking for a semi-serious relationship because he was leaving for medical school the next year“, and after you met in-person, he told you that unlike you, he is not looking for a long-term relationship, but “he wants to start his relationships more casual“.

    You tried to negotiate a relationship with him, telling him that you were comfortable about him “seeing other people but sleeping with others was a no-go”, and the result: “we both decided that it would be a one-sided relationship, and we should stop now before real emotions got involved“. Two days later, you feel sad, asking: “I had an idea that I should reach out and let him know that I am still open to connecting again and hanging out if he ever changed his mind – but I’m not sure if that is the right approach or if I should let it go altogether?” –

    – My answer:  let it go altogether for the following reasons: (1) You’ve been feeling sad these last two days, and sad doesn’t feel good, but a recurring herpes blister feels worse. Sad goes away, Herpes stays, (2) If I was you, I would consider partnering with a man who has HSV-2, but only if he was a good man who really, really wanted to be with me for life. This man you are discussing may be a good man, but he does not want to be with you for life, and negotiating with him like you tried, is very unlikely to succeed in getting you what you need and want.

    You listed his pluses: honest about his HSV-2 diagnosis, “Harvard educated and going to medical school soon, no social media, wanting to get to know the people he dates (not about the action), thoughtful conversation. -Patience…. the most grounded, calm soul I had ever met“. Well, he knows your number, he can text you if and when he is ready for a lifetime relationship with a woman.

    From having read your previous threads, I learned that like many young women, you too suffer from a low self-esteem. You shared in January 2018: “I feel that (sex) is the only thing I have to offer and the one thing I think will make them stay” – having repeatedly hooked up with men didn’t make any of them stay. If you offer this current unavailable guy sex, he is not likely to stay either, but his HSV might stay with you for life.

    For the purpose of having a long-term, committed relationship with a good man, you have to (1) Invest in a good man who is available for such a relationship, and (2) you have to feel and believe that you are esteemed enough in your own mind to deserve the relationship that you want to have.

    If you want to talk about your self-esteem, please do.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by .
    #392288
    Mae
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita – I think reading your feedback and thinking about the relationship objectively, I should let it go. He may have been a good guy, but I do agree with your statement, “Sad goes away, Herpes stays, (2) If I were you, I wouldn’t consider partnering with a man who has HSV-2, but only if he was a good man who wanted to be with me for life.”   The HSV was not a problem for me or a done deal because the goal was not to jump on him, lol, as I am in a place where character, kindness, and getting to know a person means more. I think I’ve come far in terms of my self-esteem since 2018. However, I know I have a long way to go. I need to work on my sense of safety and grounding within myself – I believe in the past I would have immediately thrown myself at him, lol, or honestly would have found him “boring”  because I wasn’t feeling the flutters around him. But overall, I do agree with everything you’ve said – he’s not perfect – or not in alignment with what I need, and I think moving on knowing that there are people like him in the world -without HSV, lmao is what gives me hope moving forward.

    #392331
    Arden
    Participant

    I don’t know why but I thought I could also comment here regarding the subject of self-esteem. I would, again, feel sad about losing the connection after this communication you’ve had with him. I would, again, consider partnering with a man who has HSV-2. I think sometimes, we lower our standards a lot when we’re impressed or feel nice with somebody. It’s like, even when they don’t consider being in a long-term relationship, we cannot see this fact as a dealbreaker, although it is. I’ve always known that I should work on my self-esteem, but maybe I cannot work on it properly cause I don’t see any improvement in this regard, at least when it comes to a partner. Maybe one of the best indicators of one’s self esteem is the choices you make in relationships.

    #392332
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    You are welcome. “I think I’ve come far in terms of my self-esteem since 2018” – I did notice emotional growth on hour part when I read in the original post of this thread that at the time you were negotiating with him, you remembered that you did that in the past, that it didn’t work, and you then chose to end the very short unbalanced relationship: “I realized that I had been in this situation before and said it wasn’t a good idea… we both decided that it would be a one-sided relationship, and we should stop now“.

    However, I know I have a long way to go. I need to work on my sense of safety and grounding within myself… I think moving on knowing that there are people like him in the world -without HSV, lmao is what gives me hope moving forward” – I like your attitude and resolve. You are welcome to post again anytime, as you proceed on your way toward a more solid sense of safety and grounding within!

    anita

     

    #392341
    Andy Lightfoot
    Participant

    Is there truly any perfect partner out there, that can be discovered before we learn to value and love ourselves? I’m grateful and I thank God everyday for this paradoxical set of character traits. At 42, I’m entirely grateful to have found out about HSP/HSS 💥 We’re not fundamentally flawed at our core, we’re badass.
    I spent 20 years in a codependent marriage believing I was fundamentally flawed and unwanted.
    When we realize our inherent sense of self worth (from within, always, and only from within) the world changes by our own perspective. Always love yourself first; we are all worthy of unconditional love.

    Andy

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