April 5, 2013 at 11:33 am #31216mcrismanParticipant
Nearly 5 years ago, my husband of 20 years blindsided me with the dreaded, “I’m filing for divorce.” In the aftermath of that statement, I was completely devastated — even contemplating suicide (though this is difficult to admit — so painful).
Now, here’s the rub — though I did all I could to get him to stop the divorce proceedings (even begging at times), he moved forward with it despite the fact that he kept having sex with me on a regular basis. I accepted, and at times, even initiated the intimacy because I believed his actions meant that he must still love me. Of course, his other actions (proceeding with the divorce) provided me an undeniable contradiction. I am still confused today and we are still “together.” We spend time together running errands, going to dinner, movies, etc. — and of course, we are still having sex; in my eyes, he is still irrestible. We live apart (we have one adult son who lives with him) and he does see other women, but swears that they are “just friends.” I do believe him when he tells me that I am the only one he is with sexually.
I have been in therapy on a weekly basis since he left the marriage and I have grown exponentially. However, I still struggle with . . . oh, I am not even sure what the exact struggle is — I feel so committed to him — still — but do not feel that commitment in return. When I have spoken with him about this, he responds with, “It will work between us or it won’t.” He wants to just live in the moment, and I do value that. For me, “in the moment,” it’s wonderful when we are together, yet “in the moment,” it’s so difficult when we are apart — I don’t have the emotional security I would like from a relationship. On the one hand, I think it’s possible that Spirit has given me this glorious gift — a second chance with my husband to repair the aspects of the marriage failure that belong to me (and believe me, I have discovered a few). On the other hand, he has admitted that, though he admires the amount of personal growth work I have done, he does not want to “work that hard.”
Your thoughts, please . . . the tough parts of the relationship are really tough, yet even thinking about giving up the relationship’s positive aspects is deeply painful.April 6, 2013 at 2:15 pm #31314LauraParticipant
I myself was blindsided by a divorce after 20 years, my wasbund had an affair and left me and our five boys. He married the woman and has become a truly despicable person since then. I had to take him back to court twice in a year and a half to get him to pay his child support and it took the judge threatening to put him in an orange jumpsuit to make him pay. And he is still behind and seems to think that he only has to pay when he is able, that it is optional somehow. So it is very hard for me to understand what you have going on. It seems to me that he has made his position clear on what he wants from you and what he is or is not willing to do, he doesn’t want to work that hard. I don’t know you and I don’t know him but I believe that we all have the right to be treated with respect and love. And if you are going to have someone significant in your life they should want to be there, not just for sex but for everything. I wish you well on your journey and I hope you find peace.September 25, 2016 at 10:01 pm #116269manbuddhaParticipant
I wish I could actually send you real trailerloads of love, I don’t know why but I feel your pain, honestly.
What you are going through is really difficult.
All the best –September 29, 2016 at 2:35 pm #116709CherylParticipant
Hi, I’m just reading the blogs on here and was immediately struck by your situation .
I think answering your question might help me too
I would like to say that if this is working for you and you are both happy carry on but there is something controlling about this situation
He says YOU have come this far with the work , but what has he done ? He wants to live in the moment what about you ?
sex and love are two different things , love isn’t just about meals , errands it’s about nurturing your needs and your wants too
You really need to start loving yourself more, why its so hard giving up this relationship ? Write things down what if he wasn’t here any more , you’d have to Manage -imagine that mindset now
I understand where you are coming from, my husband left me and I’ve done exactly the same thing .
I’m lonely and I miss affection as it makes feel loved , but we are loved by family and friends , if my children or mum treated me like this , I wouldn’t put up,with it so why do we by ex partners ? I dont know
Good luck my friend , love shouldn’t be this much trouble