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The wisdom of mothers

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  • October 21, 2015 at 9:29 am #85794
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Just wasting the last 5 minutes before I go home from work:

    Things my mother used to say.

    me: no mum I’m not getting out of the car, I’m too shy
    mum: so what you going to do? stay in the car all your life? you’re shy? get over it. (she was right too – for me)

    me: mum! there’s a fly in my wine
    mum: it hasn’t drunk much. (oh)

    me: mum, why have you taken the net curtains down? people will look in the window?
    mum: better make sure you’re not picking your nose then. (… huh)

    me: I’m not going outside mummy, it’s raining
    mum: och, it’s only wet; you won’t shrink.. (dammit)

    she’s quite a bit shorter than I am so I like to say – ‘and stand up when I’m talking to you’ hee =- and I love it when she has to jump to give me a thick ear. worth it!

    October 21, 2015 at 11:44 am #85807
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pomplemous:

    Seems to me that your mother had a good sense of humor but was lacking empathy for you, minimizing, belittling, making fun of your shyness, concerns, worries… you would have benefited way more from empathy than you did from her sense of humor.

    anita

    October 21, 2015 at 5:46 pm #85827
    jock
    Participant

    Pom
    just read your first post and have to say your mother comes across as an immature smart alec. I like wit but if in a parental role I would make my child’s self-esteem paramount. As a parent you have a duty to be a role-model . But I haven’t had children so easy to say I know. My parents were never like that anyway so I guess I’m lucky.

    October 21, 2015 at 11:09 pm #85835
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think there’s two ways of looking at this. I take your views on board and they are interesting. But I dont feel like a victim so I’m not going to look at it thst way.

    It was meant to be a bit of fun because imagine I’d she’s pandered to my every sulk. I’d still be feebly sitting in the car today.

    Yes I suppose you’re right to the extent of nobody comes when you cry but at least it means there’s less need to cry now because I’ve learned to look at things different ways before crying.

    October 22, 2015 at 8:11 am #85844
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pomplemous:

    There is a certain amount of strength in responding as you did to your mother’s “man up/ muscle through” attitude the way you did and still do. But there is way MORE strength in the willingness to see that indeed you were a victim, that indeed you are still paying the price (therefore still partly a victim) and then really, really change things (gradually, with extreme patience and gentleness with yourself).

    You don’t want to view yourself as a victim because you are afraid you will lose any and all power and collapse, disintegrate (?). This is why people need help, as in good psychotherapy, to see what was as what it was, and therefore to see what is as what it is, a precondition to make changes that really matter. It is about keeping things as they are or do the hard work of breaking free from what is and moving forward. That is a personal choice.

    anita

    October 22, 2015 at 9:22 am #85860
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    these are my big brother’s feelings exactly. He’s done exactly that.

    November 3, 2015 at 10:07 am #86653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pomplemous:

    I went back to this thread of yours to show you how, interestingly enough, it so happens, I took your side and Jack took your side as well while the one not taking your side has been your mother and you. I believe this is a real opportunity for you to see something you did not see before. I am doing this not out of anger at you, not at all and from no other motivation but to advance in you the same process I am advancing in myself: healing and what I call, evolving: awakening and evolving.

    In the examples above, that you posted in the last five minutes of work, just so to pass the time, you gave examples of things your mother told you. In response I wrote to you that your mother expressed maybe a good sense of humor but not the EMPATHY that you needed. That was siding with YOU, with the child that you were and that child that is still in you (and against your mother’s side). Jack wrote that your mother was a smart alec who did not operate for your own good, for your self esteem. Jack sided with you and against your mother.

    You termed my response and Jack’s responses above, that is our individual taking sides with you as “interesting” and proceeded quickly to take your mother’s side and against your own side: I am not a victim, you claim AGAIN: she made me tough, you wrote.

    If your mother was right and made you strong and tough, how do you explain your history of drug addiction, your ongoing fear of any commitment, and so forth? How is your toughness manifesting itself- and is it working for you to NOT take your own side?

    You, Pomplemous, need to take YOUR SIDE if you are to heal. Get off the “I am not a victim” BS.

    Here, again, I am taking YOUR side. So did Jack. How does it feel?

    anita

    November 3, 2015 at 10:15 am #86656
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Oh, I forgot. About the things she told you- NOT taking your side. Here is in comparison what taking your side would have sounded like:

    me: no mum I’m not getting out of the car, I’m too shy
    mum: so what you going to do? stay in the car all your life? you’re shy? get over it. (she was right too – for me)
    * Taking your side:Tell me about it, what does shy feel like? Said gently, and with willingness to stay in the car for as long as it takes for you to open up. When it is hard for you to talk, she would say things to the effect that there is no rush to get out of the car, that you are safe with her, that she cares about your well being; that what is important is you and your well being.

    me: mum! there’s a fly in my wine
    mum: it hasn’t drunk much. (oh)
    * Taking your side: If you are not a minor at the time (?): This is a disgusting surprise, isn’t it? Yuck.

    me: mum, why have you taken the net curtains down? people will look in the window?
    mum: better make sure you’re not picking your nose then. (… huh)
    * Taking your side: That is disturbing, to know people can look at you when you think you are alone, isn’t it? Better close the curtains.

    me: I’m not going outside mummy, it’s raining
    mum: och, it’s only wet; you won’t shrink.. (dammit)
    * taking your side: Okay, sweetie.

    anita

    November 3, 2015 at 10:33 am #86662
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh Anita! !!
    There’s quite alot I can’t go into on a forum at this point but I’m ‘oh Anita’-ING because you’re disarming. Not that I thought you or i are armed but it wasnt certain how any of this was going to go.

    How do I say..? How can I ignore the fact that yes I took snails side because I felt the argument became unequal. I take sides. I am lucky enough to say most people take my side. I don’t always deserve it though. You could say maybe because I didn’t grow up wirh that luxury maybe I find it difficult to accept Al the time. Failure is feedback. We all need feedback in many ways and that’s a way that I can learn and grow.

    As for the later carnage I alluded to.. much of that was not my fault but the drug addiction was all me.

    November 3, 2015 at 12:12 pm #86676
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Pomplemous:

    I don’t understand; not that I think you are purposefully vague here, maybe you are emotional. If you could or would, sometime when you are calm enough and willing, maybe you can post again here. You wrote something above about Snails but it is not about her here. It is about you I was writing about. So, I will next read your other post and again, hope you post here again.

    anita

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