Wife and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary, after 3 years prior to that of dating. One daughter, 16.

I have been on this forum the past few months lurking, occasionally baring my soul about our difficulties. Things seemed to be moving toward inevitable divorce, with acrimony, hurt feelings, judgement and meanness in copious abundance. Months ago, she left her email account on my laptop, with credentials cached. I resisted reading it for the longest time. Recently, I succumbed and read her email., finding stark evidence of an affair.

This was a critical decision point for me.

I spent about a half hour agonizing, self-pitying, feeling some relief – but really thinking about the right way to handle it. I texted her that we needed to talk. She called me. I did not answer, but texted “face to face.” She came home and we sat down in the living room. I told her I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t going to judge, but I calmly told her that I knew about . She confessed and began to share the events with me. I told her I assumed she did this because she was in great pain.

I don’t know why or how, but somehow this started a series of very heartfelt revelations between us. We soon felt ourselves speaking deeper truths than we’d ever shared. We spoke about the pain within us and its origins in our childhood. We got deeper and deeper, speaking with great unflinching honesty, questioning each other – not to find ammunition for an argument, but to really understand each other’s souls. We said things we hadn’t even admitted to ourselves.

This catharsis, which had started around 11:00 a.m. went deep into the night, each of us growing deeper and deeper into love, compassion, empathy with the other. By the next day, we were feeling greater love than we’d ever imagined possible. Of course, I forgave her affair, and regaled her with silly stories of my own lurking on a dating website to find “my next mistake” as we laughed, cried and held each other closer than we’ve ever held each other, our breaths and heartbeats merging into a single rhythm.

It’s only been a few days, and I can’t say I don’t have fears we’ll backslide, but the transformation brought on by this crucible event has been absolutely amazing. We’re talking about strategies for avoiding misunderstandings in the future, we’re learning about each the deep sources of each other’s pain, so that if they manifest themselves in the future (and they will), we can know their origins preceded us and that it’s not really personal.

Oddly enough, it was how we responded to this most egregious breech of trust that helped us develop a new and deeper trust. I am very pleased with how I responded to my heartwrenching discovery and madly in love with her response as well.

I don’t think this is typical and I must resist the temptation to channel her newly rediscovered adoration into my own self worth. But I have to say the transformation, after years of eroding intimacy, as been indescribable.