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March 3, 2020 at 12:37 pm #341184
T6ny B0ddhaParticipantHello everybody,
I am a 22 years old French guy studying in College. Over the course of my studies and my life, I have had to start from scratch multiple times, in many different cities, in many different countries. For instance over the last 4 years I have lived in 5 totally different places for many reasons (changes of campus, exchanges, internships, etc.). It was in most cases a voluntary process.
I am getting quite tired of starting everything from scratch every 6 to 12 months, having to meet new friends and adapt to a totally different way of living and culture. It is on one hand a chance, but an another hand it is a source of extreme instability in my life that has really affected me over the past few years. The main relationships affected are the love related ones, as while it is “possible” for me to keep up with friends and familly (to some extent tho, as I lost contact with a lot of people) it is hard to meet, love and hang out with a girl within such little periods. For all these reasons, I feel unsatisfied by this way of living. I am fortunately a very sociable person and I never had to stay alone in new places to this date, I just feel like I lose my old relationships/friendships all the time.
I assume everybody’s reaction would be to tell me to stop moving all the time, as it is something I do voluntarily. But that’s the point of my post : I cannot stop moving, or If I do I get extremely bored, depressed and impatient.
It’s like I don’t belong to any culture, community, city, country. I am amazed by the new places in which I live for a few months, and then I once again look forward to going to the next one. It’s like I’m always fleeing something, never satisfied of what life gives me in term of work, love and experience. I know that If I stay in one city, even one country for more than a year, I will see my life as pointless, repetitive and I will get extremely depressed.
My question is therefore the following :
– Do you think this need to move is inherent to me and I will have to cope with it my entire life, probably affecting my love, friendships and family relationships ?
– Or do you think this need is hiding a deeper problem, one some of you may know or think about ?Many thanks in advance for your answers,
Regards,
TB
March 3, 2020 at 1:08 pm #341204
AnonymousGuestDear TB:
The reason you choose to move to a new place, then move to yet another new place and another is because staying in one place depresses you, just as you stated: “if I stay in once city, even one country for more than a year, I will see my life as pointless, repetitive and I will get extremely depressed”.
I am guessing that as a child, living at home with your parent or parents, you often experienced life as pointless and repetitive and you felt extremely depressed. As an adult, you re-experience the same in any place where you stay for too long.
The newness of a place shakes you up from that depression and when the newness fades, the depression returns.
What do you think?
anita
March 4, 2020 at 12:22 pm #341414
PeterParticipantA question you might ask yourself is what unconscious payoff might you be getting from moving. If you truly wanted to stop this pattern of behavior you would. We don’t do something like moving unless at some level what we get from doing it has a stronger pull.
One of the positive of moving is that we get to start over. Reinvent ourselves. Of course unless we are very self aware most of us will recreate our ‘old selves’ and so no matter where we go we follow ourselves.
If you truly don’t like constantly moving and not having the opportunity to put down root, my guess is that your trying to heal something. Before you move again you might want to sit with the urge to move (runaway?) and see where it takes you.
That said the experiences from all the moving can be a great foundation for future opportunities.
March 4, 2020 at 2:05 pm #341448T6ny B0ddhaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your reply. I actually never really thought about this whole thing having a link with my childhood. It is actually a quite interesting idea, but I am not sure it comes from me being bored at home when I was a child, as I had a quite happy and fulfilling childhood. Also, as this need appeared quite recently (last 5 years approx), I would rather link it to some more recent things.
March 4, 2020 at 2:20 pm #341464T6ny B0ddhaParticipantHello Peter,
Thank you for your answer. As you say I am well aware of the negative aspects of constantly moving but I still do it, which means that I find something appealing that outweighs the drawbacks.
It’s not easy to clearly point out what actually appeals me, but your message made me think of the following possibilities :
– In most relationships, (love/friendship/colleagues/ any relationship), I like the process of getting to know people rather that the actual outcome. It may seems horrible, but for instance the parts I enjoy the most in a relationship is the phase in which I learn to meet the person, and it’s quite the same in a friendship. I am not saying I throw people away once I have met them, but out of the many people I meet I stay close to just a limited number of them. Maybe what appeals me in moving is therefore having a chance to discover new people, but on another hand I am unsatisfied by the outcome, which is keeping up with only a fraction of the people I meet.
– Another point is the fact that I easily put pressure on myself, and I quickly get the feeling that I have “wasted” one opportunity, which could give me the wish to start over somewhere else.
– Finally, I get extremely bored by the places (I mean physical places), landscapes, cities, language, etc.
It’s hard for me to point out which of these reasons is really what makes me wanna move, but what stands out from what I just wrote is clearly my wish to “get a new chance”, get a new chance to meet people, to do better, to find my place. And I think this wish is in contradiction with another wish which is developing surrounded by friends, family and stability.
I also think I get bored to easily in general, and this traits reflects it very well.
So If, as you said, the benefits I get from living like this are higher than what it costs me I should just continue, but I don’t know if it will allow me to fulfill some important objectives such as settling, having a wife, a good job, etc.
Regards,
TB
March 5, 2020 at 7:45 am #341634PeterParticipantSo If, as you said, the benefits I get from living like this are higher than what it costs me I should just continue, but I don’t know if it will allow me to fulfill some important objectives such as settling, having a wife, a good job, etc.
There is a time for all things and it seems this is a time for you to travel and explore. As you explore you might pay attention to what this feeling/idea of ‘bored’. When it arises what does it point to? Are you running away from something or is the need to run toward something. Is their such a thing as a lost opportunity? How is that connected to regret? Does the experience of regret leave living in the past and could this stockiness be pushing you to move. (Dwelling on regret is a unskillful. (really about control and wishing to change what can’t be changed)
Learn. As you learn better do better. That’s all any of us can do. If this is a time for travel and adventure, enjoy it.
March 5, 2020 at 9:38 am #341684AnonymousGuestDear TB;
You are welcome. You wrote to me that “I had a quite happy and fulfilling childhood. Also, this need appeared quite recently (last 5 years approx.), I would rather link it to some more recent things”-
– You are 22, so “this constant need to move to new places” started when you were 17. When is it then that you first left your parents’ home on your own?
Also, if you want, and only if you wish to do so, tell me about your quite happy and fulfilling childhood, and I will respond further.
anita
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