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Thoughts are still stuck on dating and knowing I should move on

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • November 3, 2014 at 8:41 am #67246
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,

    I have posted quite extensively about the dating I have done over the past several months. Now I think it has just gotten to a point where I am just releasing my thoughts about it, in an effort to purge myself of everything that is bothering me about, and maybe find some answers to move on from it.

    My story is documented on here and I have shared more with this community than I have with most of my friends and family. I went through a bad marriage breakup, went through some very hard times, and I am now finding myself a little.

    I can’t stop thinking about this past summer, and how it seemed like things were happening for me, in the relationship department. For a time, three attractive women I met on a dating site, all wanted to get to know me and spend time with me. I chose to focus on two of with and I dated both of them.
    During the time period where I was talking to all of the them, and then dating the two, was so exciting. I felt so confident, relaxed, and for the first time in a long time, wanted again. Everything felt easier. Work didn’t feel so humdrum. I was happier than I felt in a long time and I was at ease with everything.

    Both relationships sputtered out. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t match with those women or if I was trying to move too fast. Shortly after, I went out once with another woman that I knew wasn’t what I wanted. I ended that quickly. Now I have tried to contact other women but it hasn’t worked at all.

    The issue I’m having is that I want a relationship but now it feels like I am trying to force it. Those earlier ones flowed so easily at first. I miss that excitement. I really don’t want to be in this place of longing. I think that is why there are so many of those same people on that dating site. They are desperately wanting a relationship so bad. Some even put similar words in their profile heading.

    I am trying to get this off my mind. It was just such a good feeling at that time, that I want to be back at that place again. Only this time, I want to stay here with one person.

    November 3, 2014 at 11:22 am #67256
    sophie
    Participant

    I’ve felt the same way lately. I’ve been on the dating site for about 6mos and I’ve met several men, and nothing lasted longer. I started feeling that the one I am looking for is not on this dating site. Like you said, I was very excited, bubbly, and happy while dating several men, but at the same time, I was thinking to myself “what is this? what am I doing? this is not even a relationsihp..it’s not a friendship or boyfreind/girlfriend relationsihp” I became very confused myself about what I am trying to achieve. Then, I realized that I do not even know what I want. I do not think I want a long term relationship.. but at the same time I do not want this petty meaningless hang-out relationship. Finally, I decided to remove myself from the dating site, focus on myself, and learn what I really want. I truely believe in destiny. Also, I think there is the one… but then I understand I might not meet him in this world. All I can do is to strive to be a better person today than I was yesterday for myself and him whom hopefully I will meet one day.

    Dating can be very exciting, but I figure that it gets exhusting. I will say be patient. When time is right, she will magically show up. 🙂

    November 3, 2014 at 11:36 am #67257
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    I can empathize completely since I too am riding the online dating wave. (And I use that metaphor purposefully)

    There’s learning potential here and it sounds like you’ve already made some insights. You can see and empathize with the desperation of others. You can feel your own. Could it perhaps be that this is the energy that you’re giving off to the universe? Even if through the internet, could it be that you’re unconsciously communicating a certain vibe and hence you’re not getting the results you want?

    What if you took a break from it for a while? Found some solid footing to stand on as an individual. Reconnected with yourself. Found confidence in your work, hobbies, families, and friends and let go of the longing for a relationship. And then perhaps, someday, casually, you take another peak behind the relationship door. No major expectations. No lofty goals. No desperation. Just curiousity and openess. “Que sera, sera”.

    I say this to you as an anonymous friend who is going through something similar and if I were to give myself any advice, it would be percisely that – let go of the longing, relinquish control and expectations, and look within for that peace, happiness, and even excitement that you experienced when you were dating. If you find it, it will be a lot more lasting and not so depedent on external results.

    November 3, 2014 at 2:26 pm #67273
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Sophie and Little Buddha,

    I want to thank you for your insights into my post. One thing that might be different about me is that I would actually like to have a relationship. I felt I could have had one with one of those women, but it wasn’t in the cards for me. I shouldn’t have just said I was excited about the dating process. I liked being connected to someone else. I liked being a part of their life, and them being a part of mine.

    I thought, only to myself, the possibilities of building things to something more, in the future. I don’t want to come from a needy place and have someone so I can feel validated. After over 3 years, I just want to share my life with someone again.

    Maybe I do need a break for a while and maybe you are right that someone will show up when they are supposed to. Tomorrow, I am going to go to a meetup group I joined a long time ago, but never have attended one of their meetings. Perhaps getting out and meeting different people without expectations will be beneficial to me.

    November 3, 2014 at 3:05 pm #67275
    sophie
    Participant

    Hey Steve,

    I feel for you. I think going to a meetup group is a good idea. I actually think about going to a meetup group, too not in search of meeting someone, but to enjoy learning new things/just to have fun. Like you said, I feel like good things happen when you least expect them. sometimes, it helps not think too much.

    November 4, 2014 at 6:21 am #67296
    Little Buddha
    Participant

    I think that’s the right attitude and approach. Making connections with others is an important part of life – mental, emotional, physical, intellectual, but I feel like the key is never to try and force them. “Effortless effort” is the phrase that comes to mind for me. Open your heart to the universe. Make friends first and lovers will evolve naturally…or not.

    Wishing you all the best

    Namaste brother

    November 4, 2014 at 8:05 pm #67347
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,

    First of all, I want to thank Amul for his links. I have checked out the first link before and it all makes sense to me. It’s just a matter of trying to do these things for myself. I went to that meetup today, and I have to say that I wasn’t into it. It was a chat group and the topic was faith vs. reason and evidence.
    I’m all for having discussions about different topics, but these guys were way out of my range. Also, it went off in so many directions and so off topic, that it just because a schmaltz. In the end, only four of the people( longtime members) were doing all the talking, and you couldn’t get a word in.

    I know I need to spend more time growing as a person but this didn’t make me feel like I was. It was kind of a crappy ending to a long day.

    I’m in a slump right now. Nothing feels good and I just am not feeling too positive about anything. It’s been 3 weeks today since that woman said she didn’t want to date. I thought it was longer. I guess that is why I still think about her, which sucks. It would probably help if she didn’t work at a business that is directly across the street from where I work. No wonder I still think about her.

    I’m going to talk to a counselor in about a week and a half. I think that will help. I’m going to look for a more mellow meetup group too. It is good to challenge yourself mentally but I don’t want to think deeply all the time. ]
    Does anyone here do journaling ? It feels like that is what I am doing here. Only I get some positive feedback from it 🙂
    Thanks everyone

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