Thoughts on mother on holiday, son in hospital….

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    Just wanted some thoughts on the following situation: mother is abroad on holiday, 27 year old son is taken into hospital with pneumonia, mother is due back 6 days later. Mother doesn’t cut holiday short to come home, even though money is no object, and neither is time an obstacle. Instead she continues to post photos online of her holiday. Her two daughters have had to share visiting/support even though one works full time and both live 2 hours’ drive away. She didn’t contact his aunt to let her know.
    Although I don’t have children, I helped bring up this brother. What I see is a strong lack of good parenting and what I see makes me feel very angry and ashamed. His mother should have been there to, at the very least, show that he means something to her. His health was in jeopardy, there was a chance he might not have survived. I feel I would have come home as soon as I could. Family is more important than a holiday. Where are the priorities? I feel she is putting herself first. Am I being too harsh, too judgemental? Am I too involved to see things objectively? Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


    Dear nessmbl:

    I understand your feelings. I have a neighbor who flew hours away to help take care of the aunt of her husband, an over 90 year old woman who has enough money to hire help and was doing well without my neighbor.

    While my neighbor was away, her own adult daughter was in the hospital about to have a dangerous back operation. My neighbor not only did not return from her trip, but (prepare for the following):

    When my neighbor left to another state to take care of the aunt (who needed no physical caring) she knew that her daughter was scheduled to have the operation. She made the arrangement for her trip knowing she will not be present for the operation.

    The daughter survived that operation but died a few months or a year after.

    My point to you: this mother you are referring to in your post, her son may be better off if she indeed stayed away. If he is hoping that she WILL become a loving mother someday, that hope is not good for his health. It is better that he (and you) accept who his mother is, so the hope dies.

    * By accepting who she is, I don’t mean approving of it, suggesting mothers should be like she is. Not at all. What I mean is to come to peace with who she is, come to peace with reality. Because this kind of reality, you can’t change, no matter how strongly you feel it is wrong and unfair.



    You already know how this will play out if you push it.

    This issue, if you want it to become a issue, is between your mother and brother. If you get involved the issue is between you and your mother and likely one that has been recreate in various ways for a while now.

    There comes a time I think when we get to decided to accept family as they are and create our boundaries to protect our peace of mind while still being respectful to the relationship.

    If who they are does not meet who you want and or need them to be then keep the visits short and talk of the weather… or continue creating drama trying to get them to be who you want them to be as they try to get you to be who they need and want you to be.

    It is unlikely that you and your mother’s relationship is going to change. You can keep finding stories that keep your score higher and feeling good about your judgments or just stop and instead create some inner peace for yourself. Just stop

    Is the drama worth it.

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