Tired of trying to be so called perfect or worthy

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    Hi all

    It has been 4 years since I last wrote in tiny Buddha.  So I am in a relationship with this man who I thought to be my best friend.  We had an attraction for each other 4 years back n he said we r going to be in a relationship but that didn’t happen.  I was in so deeply love with him n couldn’t take the rejection. Tried to move on and after 1 year I met a new guy from another religion.  Firstly we were good friends n few months later realized we are very fond of each other.  We respected each other,  listened to each other had meaningful conversation.  We emerged a a great support for each other. Things were beautiful in every way until we realized we have started liking each other more than friends.  Sometimes we had to argue over not being friends anymore  but I couldn’t help as both of us were heart broken.  We needed a friend badly.

    In no time we started loving each other more profoundly.  Whatever he did I had great appreciation . He used to encourage me to be myself n follow my dreams.  N suddenly one day appears my that best friend from past n says that he wants me back in his life.  He needs support he needs me.  I ignored him. But my new friend whom I loved (but was confused always we didn’t have a future together ) said I should think about him and go back if he wants me.  I was passing very bad days n fall in the trap to contact with the former one. N because of my pain in rejection , I used to tease him about my new friend in various ways.  My new friend used to feel bad still he thought it was the best option for me.

    Somehow I thought as the former one is back n wants to be settled with his life, maybe I should be with him.  Or I did it to cover up my pains got from rejection n betrayal. I started dating him. It was casual for me first  though once I used to love him slot.  I used to think he’s the one.  But without my concern. Things changed .I changed a lot as a person.  He no longer seemed suitable. His level of support was less than the new friend.  I continued to be friends with the new one too.  Anger n frustration grew in my partner. He couldn’t stand my friend as I had teased him about him.

    Ihe took relationship seriously ignoring his growth in career n education  whereas I was fully determined to be the best of me.  I had a dream to go abroad and acquire knowledge  enrich myself.  But my partner would not leave hhis homeland. At first he said he would but later he started convincing me of staying.  I never succumbed. With all those confusions  I was being a good daughter n fully supported my family.  Financially my family is fully dependent on me.  So I knew what I need to do.  My partner was more into promises n day dreaming.  I could understand that my friend had all the qualities to be a partner.  I was also happy knowing my friend loved me crazily.  When I stared dating,  he missed me more and loved me more.  But my partner came off as an insecure person (surely he had reasons Mayb his instincts told him that I was loved by some one else. There was nothing physical though).

    With blame game,  drama,  tears lies abuses I detached myself from my friend  but in my kind I loved him deeply resonating how he blindly loved me.  I felt my partner didn’t have certain qualities. I started comparing him to my friend. Even after all these I felt I should try . B I was so broken n afraid that I couldn’t break up with him bcz I loved him too n I couldn’t go to my friend bcz he was from another religion.  Moreover the love was love , I I didn’t want a life with him (bcz it was impossible even to think)

    Now the situation is my partner detailed me of my dreams.  He won’t go abroad with me.  N if I go it would mean to end the relationship . He doesn’t respect me.  Does not appreciate me for what I do for my family .He doesn’t appreciate me for being a career oriented woman .Lately  I have become less focused.  I am trying to make a balance between his relationship n my work n dreams. But he keeps on blaming me for the slightest mistakes .He blames me if I want a good life.  He calls me selfish when I say I want to fulfill his dreams.  He himself devoid of education .Career etc. He never understands that I may have a social life .He doubts me.

    I am tired now.  I know someone somewhere wants me badly n here I am in a relationship getting zero respect.  I don’t want to get back to my friend as we have stopped communicating.  I want him to do something greater.  If there is no future I don’t need that.  But I don’t need this partner in my life too.  I love him a lot but I can’t take all the traumas. I feel weak each day.  Helpless devasted n what not.  I need solution badly. I am at a stage where my context thinks I should be married off. At this point I don’t want to leave him either.  I have tried negotiation.  But at the end of day,  I don’t feel loved . With him I can’t fulfill my dreams. And I am afraid that things might turned out to be worst after marriage.

    I should mention he is not financially stable rather sometimes he need my support. I feel irritated sometimes I wish him to do something for me. He has excuses saying after our marriage. On the other hand my friend with whom I don’t talk anymore used to love me unconditionally  What should I do now?


    Dear Ifty:

    Your story is not as clear to me as I need it to be.

    If I understand correctly your friend would have been a wonderful choice for you if he wasn’t from another religion. Am I correct?

    And the problem with him being of a different religion is that your family would not approve of him? (his family would have been okay with him marrying you)?

    The current man in your life clearly reads like a bad choice for you, but you are with him.. because he is of the same religion/ your parents approve of him?

    You wrote: “Financially my family is fully dependent on me”- I figure, if they are fully dependent on you financially, they don’t get to choose who you should marry- you choose for yourself.

    Reads like the friend would be an excellent choice, and your current boyfriend- not so.





    Hi Anita

    I love my partner but only problem is I feel stuck.  He doesn’t want me to fulfill my dreams. If I want to have a social life of my own he opposes that.  According to him,  he is exclusive to me n I should be that too.

    My friend showed me how to love unconditionally . The standard he showed for caring for someone,  doesn’t match with my partner.  I feel there is lacking. Moreover . I can’t be sacrificing as my partner wants.

    My family supports me n would be fine if I get a good husband.  I referred my family bcz that’s the only thing drives me to be successful.  But my partner doesn’t seem to understand that I am more of myself rather than being just his girl friend.

    Hope you will enlighten me.




    Dear Ifty:

    You very much loved a friend from before (currently your boyfriend), thought he was “the one”, but he rejected you and you experienced “pains.. from rejection n betrayal”. Years later he came back to your life and wanted to be in a relationship with you. Back into your life, you were still hurt by his past rejection and betrayal, so you teased him about a friend you met after the rejection (“I used to tease him about my new friend in various ways”). You wrote about this new friend: “my friend loved me crazily. When I started dating, he missed me more and loved me more”.

    As you dated your current boyfriend,  you found out that “He no longer seemed suitable”, that “His level of support was less than the new friend”, that he is “more into promises n day dreaming”, “he is not financially stable”, “He doesn’t respect me”, you wrote, and “He doesn’t appreciate me for being a career oriented woman”, as well as not appreciating your for financially supporting your family .

    “He himself devoid of education. Career etc.”, you wrote.

    After beginning the relationship with your boyfriend, you continued your friendship with your new friend. Your boyfriend was angry and frustrated about it. “He couldn’t stand my friend as I had teased him about him”. You finally, after a lot of “blame game, drama, tears lies abuses”, you stopped communicating with your new friend.

    You want to go abroad for more education, a better career but your boyfriend doesn’t want to leave his homeland and wants you to stay with him. The current situation is that if you go abroad, the relationship with your boyfriend will end. Also, a relationship with your friend is not  possible because he is from a different religion.

    Within this relationship you feel misunderstood, disrespected, unsupported, unloved, less focused, tired, “weak each day”, “Helpless devastated”. “With him I can’t fulfil my dreams”, you wrote. “And I am afraid that things might turn out to be worst after marriage”.

    “What should I do now?”-

    – I don’t think it was ever as easy for me to suggest to a person what they should do. Clearly, you should end your relationship with your current boyfriend. You refer to him as a “partner”, but it is the wrong title. A partner cannot possibly be a person who misunderstand, disrespects and doesn’t support the other partner.

    You shouldn’t have teased him about your new friend, that was wrong of you to  do. But it doesn’t change the clear reality that your current boyfriend is a most unsuitable man for you to continue a relationship with and to get married to.

    It is almost as if… a stranger on the streets is more likely to be a suitable partner to you than your boyfriend.

    If you need further input from me, let me know what exactly it is that you need.


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