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To commit or to not commit

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  • #367107
    Lizzie
    Participant

    Hi all. I have been reading this blog for a while and feel like sharing something I am dealing with now.

    In the spring I met a guy  and we started seeing each other quite regularly. It was going to be a temporary thing as we were both travelling abroad a lot in the upcoming months. When I left a month after we met, we kept in touch and when I came back two months later we kept seeing each other, this time a little bit more seriously. In total I have been in touch with him for about 5-6 months and around him physically for two months, but now he is working in Asia for a year. We keep in touch and say hi almost every day but we have not made any promises or commitments to each other. I do feel tho that I want to be with him, yet I am afraid of having that conversation with him as it doesnt seem very necessary, afterall we are in a good place and defining things does not necessarily change anything except that I would have some better understanding on whether we are being exclusive or not. I hate being the kind of person who needs a commitment, why not just live in the moment and see what happens? It feels like such a socially imposed thing to have to define things…

    I can see myself with this guy in the long term, but I am afraid to wait for him because what if he meets someone else in the meantime and I wasted my time waiting for someone whom I didnt commit to? Should I try to define things between us or keep going as it is and just see what happens? I do like dating, and honestly I do not know if I can hold on for a year if no type of commitments are made between us…I am afraid eventually I will start dating other people out of lack of clear communication on what we are doing.

    I hope this is clear, I have a hard time expressing how I feel!

    Lizzie

     

    #367195
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lizzie:

    I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.

    anita

     

    #367225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lizzie:

    You dated a man for two months and kept in touch with him while in different geographic locations for about 4 months. Currently he is in Asia for a year. The relationship has not been defined, and no promises or commitments have been made, such as a commitment to be exclusive.

    You are wondering whether you should wait for him for a year while you do not know if he is waiting for you- I think that waiting for a man is the same as being committed to him, and therefore, it is not a good idea to be committed to him all by yourself, not knowing if he is committed to you as well. Either the two of you wait for each other, or no one waits, is what I think.

    “I hate being the kind of person who needs a commitment, why not just live in the moment and see what happens?.. Should I try to define things between us or keep going as it is and just see what happens?”-

    – I am guessing that if you were the kind of a woman who lived in the moment on a regular basis, you wouldn’t be considering an option of living in the moment. Please don’t hate yourself for needing a commitment.

    I don’t see how a person who needs a commitment in a relationship can go  without a commitment day after day, week after week, for months. I imagine it would make you anxious to not know.. therefore, I suggest that you do have a conversation with him regarding the relationship. Make it as light as you can, bring it about in a casual manner, but be clear about your intent and motivation.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

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