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To move in or not? Advice please

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

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  • #289715

    April
    Participant

    hello! New user here.

    Ok I’ll try to keep it short..my boyfriend and I have been together just a little shy of 2 years. He’s 27, I’m 25. We have a good relationship besides natural bickering amongst two head strong people.

    Basically, I moved from NC back to IL to help out my grandparents for half a year to a year..while he gets his family situations in order.

    Before I moved to IL, he was mentioning how he wanted us to get a place together, name of the place and all! I’m here visiting for a couple weeks and we’ve had some moments in which we both annoyed each other or made each other feel a way but not to the point of him not wanting to move in together now. He’s lived (not officially but damn near) at my place when I lived locally, wanted to stay with me then..to change his mind. To say he wants us to move into “Ashley Oaks” with our dog and start our life. To “nope” again. He says he wants us to get stronger before we move in together and I agree to a certain extent BUT how can we if we live in different states. He annoys the crap out of me but I know he’s who I want to spend my life with but I don’t know if it’s the same for him anymore.

    I might be just tripping or putting pressure on the situation but I was wondering if there was any kind advice on if I should move on due to me wanting more out of our relationship and to move it forward OR be patient and see how things play out?

    #289787

    anita
    Participant

    Dear April:

    I don’t understand: was the plan at any one point that he lives with you in IL (you are there for the rest of 2019 and maybe part of 2020?)?

    Is Ashley Oks in NC or in IL?

    anita

    #289851

    Mark
    Participant

    April,

    I am trying to understand your post.

    Is this right…? You are living in IL now and he still lives in NC

    I have not read any compelling reasons on why you should move in with him.

    Your bf has said he wants to have a stronger relationship before moving in.  What does he mean by that?  Do you agree?

    Do you plan to move back to NC?  If so, when?

    Mark

    #289899

    April
    Participant

    Anita – The plan was to move to Chicago to help my grandparents for about a year and move back to NC at the end of this year or beginning of the next year. Ashley Oaks is in Nc.

    Mark- as far as being stronger, he wants us not to have arguments basically. Part of me just feels as though he just isn’t ready to commit 100%. I believe if I was to get my own place (in nc), then he would want us to try moving in again because he keeps going back and forth. Idk I know I’m confusing but its confusing to me.

    #289909

    Mark
    Participant

    April

    I don’t see any compelling reason to move in together. It seems from all what you are saying is that it is your boyfriend who wants this, not you.

    Mark

    #289941

    anita
    Participant

    Dear April:

    Reads to me that the bickering between the two of you need to stop and replaced by calm communication, as calm as possible, and respectful. My therapist at the time taught me the key to effective communication: EAR. It stands for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect.

    -No B (Bickering) in EAR, and A doesn’t stand for Aggression, but for Assertiveness.

    Can you make a pact with him, and EAR pact and take it from there?

    anita

     

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