January 14, 2022 at 12:27 pm #391303
To the girl who broke my heart
We barely knew each other. I fell for you instantly. The night I saw you I told to myself, she’s the one. It was that feeling of knowing someone deeply even though you just met. I decided to show you how much I cared for you. I decided to open my heart to you. I decided to give you all my love, support, patience and my heart. I realized you were emotionally unavailable and I realized your heart was guarded and you had built walls around your heart due to past heartbreak. I tried to understand what you’ve been through and I did my best to support you and be patient with you. I didn’t expect much from you and I didn’t expect a relationship from you because I knew you’re not ready for such thing. I wanted to be there for you to support you and love you. I told everyone about you. I cherished you. I told everyone about the beautiful girl I met and how much I like her. At times I could feel you tried to reciprocate my love towards you but you failed for some reason. I guess your past heartbreak left you empty and emotionless. I’ve experienced heartbreak before so I could relate. I wanted to help you heal by giving you my love and my heart. I realized it won’t be easy but I still tried my best. I wrote you letters and kept them safe so I could gift them to you one day. I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking about you and missing you. I wanted so bad to take away all your pain and see you smile. The more I tried the more you pushed me away. I know that’s something guarded grils do when they have nothing to offer. They push away the ones they care about out of fear of being hurt again. I could clearly see that but it didn’t stop me from loving you. I believed in you. For me, you were the most beautiful and intelligent girl I’ve ever met. I was so proud of you because I could see how strong you are even when you feel empty inside. I showed you so much love and patience and didn’t expect anything in return because I knew you’re healing from past disappointment. However, I wanted to be close to you. Sometimes I would send you a sweet text or a letter and I would take a photo of the letter and send it to you but you would just read it and you’d never reply. I remember one time you wrote me that you love me. It was the most beautiful text I ever got from you but then you would disappear again and ignore me. It broke my heart every time you did that but I thought you’re doing it because you feel something for me and that feeling scares you. Again, I could relate to the girl with a guarded heart. I kept showing you love but I also gave you time and space many times. I tried not to be all over you all the time because I knew you need time for yourself and I respected that.
We lived far away from each other but not that far to me because I would walk around the earth for the rest of my life to see you and hug you. I was planning to come and see you and I remember the night I told you about it I could feel the excitement in your text. I was already making plans for us and was planning to stay there close to you for a longer period so we can spend time together. Two weeks passed and I reached out to tell you that I’m already looking for apartments near you and I’m planning to come really soon to see you. You saw my message and one hour later you replied. My eyes went from being excited to being filled with tears. I couldn’t believe what I saw in your text. You told me that we can’t speak anymore because now you have a boyfriend and he wouldn’t like the idea of us talking. My world crushed down on me when I read that. All I got from you was ‘sorry’. I was so heartbroken and mad. I was devastated and I wrote you things I probably should not but I also wrote you everything that was on my heart letting you know how badly you hurt me. It seemed so natural and easy for you to crush my heart and all the love I gave you. I cared for you a lot and I loved you for who you are. You were special to me but I wasn’t special to you. I gave you my all but you left me behind for someone else and you broke my heart.
The next time I decide to give my love and heart to someone, I will make sure to be more careful.January 14, 2022 at 12:51 pm #391305
For the most part, I smiled as you read your message to the girl who broke your heart. So much love, the real thing, I thought to myself. Sure, you never met her (if I understand correctly), you never really knew her, but you loved her, nonetheless.
This sentence was most meaningful to me: “I wanted so bad to take away all your pain and see you smile“. This is what love is about, the real thing. But then, love turned into anger, and in your anger, you tried to cause her pain: “All I got from you was ‘sorry’. I was so heartbroken and mad. I was devastated and I wrote you things I probably should not“.
She told you that she had a boyfriend, and you got angry. Before, you wanted to take away all her pain and see her smile. But when you found out she was smiling with another guy, you no longer wanted to take away all her pain, instead, you wanted to give her pain.
Your reaction to finding out that she had a boyfriend was all too common. I don’t know of anyone who was happy for a romantic interest to be choosing someone else. I don’t know if it is possible for romantic love to be unconditional: to be happy for the person no matter who they choose. Do you think that it is possible?
anitaJanuary 14, 2022 at 1:34 pm #391308
Thanks for reaching out Anita.
Yes we met and we spent some time together. It was great and we really enjoyed the short time we spent together. To be honest, if I think clearly, I’m not even sure if it’s true that she has a boyfriend because I somehow believe she said that in order to push me further away. I could always see the pain in her eyes due to past heartbreak as well as other personal issues. She’s a lot younger than me and I can understand her struggle with decision making.
The moment I got mad I didn’t really had any intention to hurt her nor give her pain. I would never do that. I just wanted for her to realize that I’m disappointed and hurt. I did delete our photos right away and told to myself I would get over this. However after two weeks, I reached out just to say that I’m sorry for the things I said and that I wish her the best. I told her that was my weak moment because I was heartbroken. I had to apologize because I still wish her the best even after she broke my heart. She replied that everything’s fine and that she knows how heartbreak feels. She said she’s sorry for everything. And that’s about it.
I’ve had some relationships before and I’ve experienced heartbreak before as well but this time my whole world crushed down over me because this is the type of girl that’s hard to find. I know she’s a good person and I do wish her the best but still, many questions bother me such as why didn’t she tell me right away that she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I would take it much easier back then. I feel like she gave me false hope by telling me she loves me, misses me and wants to spend time together. I think this is the classic type of situation for the heartbroken girl after her ex brakes her heart “you broke my heart so I broke his”.
I thought the problem was me. Maybe she didn’t like something about me but then I would look where I stand as a person and I have everything I evet wanted, a dream job, perfect career, independence and I do know how to give love and how to take care of someone I love.
I don’t even know what to think anymore. Maybe she needs more time to heal. She obviously does but then the boyfriend part confused me the most because I saw her emotional emptiness and I doubt she’s capable of having a relationship right now. She even told me once that she won’t be in a relationship for a long time. It was weird because today she feels excited to see me and then 10 days later she tells me shes has a boyfriend. Maybe she panicked for some reason. It’s not that I don’t want to believe that but rather it doesn’t seem realistic to me.
And yes, she had a hard time opening up to me even though she tired many times. She knew she can trust me with opening up but still this is the type of girl that thinks too much but talks too little.
I guess I have all the answers but still, it hurts because she’s special to me.January 14, 2022 at 1:51 pm #391309
It is interesting: when I read in your original post, at the point where I read that she told you that she has a boyfriend, my first thought was that it was a lie. In your second post I read that you suspect this as well. Overall, reads to me that she is not doing well mentally, that she did not try to mess with you by giving you contradictory messages, but that she is confused herself.
But be careful: you fell in love with her, and therefore, you are inclined to think ways that will give you hope for a relationship with her.
anitaJanuary 14, 2022 at 2:03 pm #391310
You’re right Anita. She’s not doing well mentally. Depression, anxiety and past heartbreak. I could recognize that from the beginning but still I did my best to support her and love her. And yes, she’s confused.
I wouldn’t say I have hopes for us. At some point she might regret pushing me away but still, that doesn’t give me hope. She might never reach out for many reasons such as fear of rejection or time passed.
I was in such a good point in my life. I quit smoking 2 years ago and was feeling healthy and clean but now I started again and I lost some weight over the past few months. I feel so ashamed of myself because of that. I feel weak. I’m not blaming her for this. I’ll definitely have a hard time trusting any girl after experiencing this.January 14, 2022 at 2:21 pm #391311
Your attitude in regard to her is more realistic than I thought then. I understand that you lost the progress you made in regard to smoking, that you regressed in some ways, but this is how life goes, we never progress uninterrupted by life. Try to relax into this latest disappointment, this heartbreak, and come out of it stronger than you were before!
It is so unfortunate, but most of humanity is not doing well mentally, people all around us and people far away. Don’t give up on yourself, you are doing so much better than many others, keep moving forward!
anitaJanuary 15, 2022 at 8:34 am #391325HelcatParticipant
It seems like you’re on a journey to understand what you want in relationships. Ultimately, this is what dating is about.
Long distance relationships in particular are very tricky. Although you may feel attached to someone and even feel like you know them, very often this is not the case. The nature of the relationship is that two people are living very separate lives, they communicate and meet because they get something positive from the experience.
Traditional dating milestones exist to get to know someone. It is very hard to know someone without spending a great deal of time together in person. I would even go as far as to say you only truly know someone until you’ve lived together and seen them experience hardship.
Please do not say that someone is emotionless or unable to have relationships because the relationship didn’t work out. Statistically, long distance relationships often fail for a number of reasons. Even people who legitimately experience emotional numbing as a result of trauma or a mental health condition still have emotions, they’re simply somewhat detached from them to protect themselves from intense pain.
I hope in the future you choose to invest in a relationship that is more stable and figure out what you would like from a relationship, instead of idealising a person. May your next relationship bring you both joy!January 15, 2022 at 8:53 am #391326
She has emotions but she wasn’t able to express. I guess she tried but now I see that as a false hope every time she said she misses me and stuff like that.
Now about the long distance. We weren’t in a relationship but we did live apart. I didn’t see that causing issues because I work remotely either way so I can always be close to her and she was aware.
As I said above, I could recognize her struggle and I wasn’t expecting a relationship for the time being. All I wanted was to be close to her and treat her right which I did until she started to push me away. She would be distant and cold. I still tried but failed.
I’m just disappointed and this will definitely reflect to my future relationships. It’ll be hard to trust anyone after experiencing this.January 17, 2022 at 4:43 am #391507HelcatParticipant
Unfortunately, emotionally attaching to someone that you’re not in a relationship with is very risky. She set boundaries by refusing to acknowledge a relationship and when someone does that they’re unlikely to change their mind.
There is a culture of friends with benefits these days. Some people string things along enough to keep things going as long as they’re getting something out of communication and meeting up.
My recommendation is that you learn from this experience and look out for warning signs such as these in future partners. You can easily protect yourself simply by moving on when a partner doesn’t show an appropriate level of interest.
There are many people out there who are genuinely seeking relationships. I’m sure future relationships will bring new challenges. I hope you enjoy the journey.
A few questions to ask yourself. What do you appreciate in a potential partner? What do you want from a relationship? What don’t you want from a relationship? Do you find yourself attracted to unavailable people? If so, you might want to explore why.
January 18, 2022 at 11:46 am #391570SasParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 days, 3 hours ago by Helcat.
This may sound harsh, but I write this with love and with honor and respect for you and your love and your pain. I know it feels scary to love again, but I think that is why it can feel so good to recognize the part we played in our own heartbreak. To know we aren’t just blown around by the winds of change. I can’t possibly presume to know what she was feeling, but I do know what she said and you know her actions. Were they the actions of someone who was head over heels? You feel the need to think she couldn’t possibly just not be that into you because you have everything to offer. But just like how you knew you loved her the moment you saw her, love isn’t so logical. It isn’t something you can reason yourself into. And what people look for in a mate is so nuanced. People want negative traits, too. Remember that. We’re more comfortable with what we know. If she isn’t used to someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, as much as she might want to, she may not ever get comfortable enough to let down her walls or let herself fall for you. Take it from someone who is this way. I need a certain amount of distance to really feel safe to be so open. It sounds to me like you might be the same way? Maybe you like the thought of unlocking someone. Maybe you’re a fixer. Maybe it allows you to fixate on something other than your own problems or future. Maybe you’re afraid of your potential. Or your potential to be at peace. But what do I know? You do have a lot to give, and I think in the future the best way to avoid this type of predicament is simple. Look at the signs. Don’t fall in love with hope. With the idea of you being the white knight that will save the princess. Maybe she doesn’t need saving. Or maybe you aren’t the one that can save her. Maybe she’s just not that into you, but kept you around cuz she wanted to be and did care for you and because YOU MADE HER FEEL GOOD. This doesn’t make her duplicitous or uncaring. It makes her human. You have so much love to give. You should wait for someone who can really give it back. With love.
Take it one day at a time. The waves will get smaller. Be good to yourself.January 20, 2022 at 5:13 am #391636
How are you, Anonymous?