Hi.
I’ve never been on anything like this, so please bear with me! I’m in a situation where its easier to be honest with strangers than people I know.
I met my boyfriend 18 months ago. Neither of us were looking for someone, I had gone through a divorce and for the first time in years I had found myself. I was meditating, positive and confident about my and my children’s futures. He swept me off my feet, and I found myself learning to trust again, finding fun and being myself with him was really easy. All the walls I had build up came down and I had high hopes for where we were going, he openly talked about marriage and having a child together, and I could see my future with him. Don’t get me wrong, I know he isn’t perfect! Some things drive me crazy, he told me when we met that he had been hurt and never wanted to rely on anyone. But he also told me that if anyone could restore his faith it was me. He tells me he loves me, and he wants a future together, however… he is so independent and his life is so full with his current life I feel as though I get slotted in to his spare time. I’ve told him this, and he gets upset. We see each other twice a week, which for me is not enough. I would like a proper relationship and be able to move this forward. When we talk about it, he has lots of reasons why he can’t move in with me, related to his job. He works incredibly hard, and does a silly amount of hours, but he is driven and wants to be secure. I understand this, and I did say I would move to his location, but I have two children and I actually asked him if that’s the real reason. He tells me he thinks the world of them, and he loves us all being together, but for me, the words and the actions aren’t adding up.
He suffers with bad anxiety, and because of this I have not been pushy about moving forward, but now I’ve found myself putting up the defences again and telling myself all the reasons why we won’t work. We talked about everything, and I was going to walk away, but he’s told me he wants to work it all out, he just doesn’t know how.
I just don’t know if its too late now? Can I stop telling myself it won’t happen? I want to believe him so much, he’s shown me so much happiness but the constant up and down is exhausting. One minute I feel on top of the world, and then I don’t see him for several days and the doubt creeps in. I know I am very emotional, and I need to be needed (my mum left when I was 13 and we don’t have a close relationship which has caused problems for me in the past)
If you’ve read all of this, Thank you. If you have any advice or opinions, I’d be grateful to hear them. I do believe he has more to lose than me, as my life is lovely. I see his as very lonely and work focused, and I think he needs to learn how to be in a family environment and at 37 is that learnable? Can he adapt to my chaotic and noisy environment like he says he wants to? If he can, will I be able to let him in again?
Sorry this is so long, and Thank you x