Dear Gage:

First off, I want to acknowledge the tremendous effort and care you’ve put into supporting your girlfriend through her struggles. It’s clear you have a deep sense of commitment and compassion.

However, it’s essential that you prioritize your own mental health. Constantly walking on eggshells and feeling isolated from your friends has been taking a significant toll on your well-being.

It’s not sustainable to sacrifice your own health indefinitely.

You asked: “At what point do I take my own mental health into account?”- my answer: immediately.

You ended your original post with: “I’m torn because I refuse to give up friends for an easier relationship, but I also don’t want to give up on her because I think she’s capable of improving. Just not before my mental health plummets completely.”- my response: I understand how torn you must feel. It’s commendable that you want to support her and see her improve, but it’s equally important to prioritize your own mental health. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your friendships or well-being for the sake of the relationship. It’s crucial to find a balance where both of your needs are met.

It will be best (if you haven’t so far) that you express to her your concerns and feelings honestly and compassionately. Let her know how her actions are affecting your mental health and the relationship and see how she responds.

It’s a good thing that you both agreed to go to therapy (together, as a couple?). It can be helpful to discuss these recurring issues with a couple therapist to explore deeper solutions and strategies for managing her paranoia and building trust. It can be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor individually. This can provide you with the space to explore your feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for self-care.

Ultimately, it’s about finding a balance where both of you can support each other’s growth without compromising your own health and happiness. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and seek a relationship that allows both partners to flourish.

anita

Dear Gage:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation and for sharing your story so openly. Again, it’s clear that you’ve been incredibly supportive and patient with your girlfriend, and your dedication to her well-being is commendable. However, it’s also important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being.

Your feelings of being torn between supporting her and maintaining your mental health are entirely valid. It’s common to feel a sense of responsibility for a partner’s well-being, but it’s also important to remember that you are not solely responsible for her progress. Besides you, there are other people in her life who also contribute to her support system. You don’t have to carry the entire burden alone, and she ultimately needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions. It’s not sustainable for one person to bear the full weight of another’s progress.

When she told you: “it’s like being blacked out drunk and hearing from somebody else what you said but don’t remember saying it, or even feeling that way,” she was comparing her experience during episodes of paranoid delusions- and abusing you- to the sensation of being blacked out drunk. When someone is blacked out drunk, they engage in behaviors and conversations but do not remember them afterward. They might hear later from others about things they said or did but have no memory of those actions. This analogy highlights her lack of control and awareness during these episodes.

Given the challenging situation you’re in, pausing the relationship might be a practical and thoughtful approach. This time can allow you to prioritize your mental health and take a step back from the constant stress and anxiety you’ve been experiencing. It also provides her with the opportunity to focus fully on her therapy and work on gaining better control and understanding of her delusions and behaviors.

Pausing the relationship sets clear boundaries and expectations, emphasizing that you need to see significant improvement in her behavior (to no longer be “blacked out drunk”, to start with) for the relationship to resume.

It also offers a chance for both of you to reflect on your needs and what you want from the relationship.

This approach can help reduce the intensity of conflicts and provide a healthy distance, allowing both of you to approach issues more objectively. It’s not about giving up on her but recognizing that your well-being is essential.

What do you think, Gage?

anita

Dear Gage
You & your friend/girlfriend have traveled a long way down the healing path
She has managed to give up the narcotics & alcohol.
From the many people I have spoken with over the years the drug & alcohol abuse has been a side effect to deeper core issues.
In this case her insecurity/paranoia around other women (not an uncommon theme).
In my early 30’s I was a waitress in a small community I always gave the woman attention & compliments and took minimal notice of their partner, so as not to rouse any jealousy.
I have also been on the flip side when I was visiting my partner who was a lay person at a monastery. He introduced me to another visiting woman with just my name. She made it very clear that she wanted him & thought that I was in the way so after about 20 mins I got up dropped a kiss on his head( the equivalent to scent marking my territory ha ha !) & walked away. When he & I met up later I had to explain his faux par in not introducing me as his partner as she still thought he was single & up for grabs! we settled on the term ‘best beloved’. Although he & I discontinued the romance some years later we are still firm & supportive friends a decade on.
I hope that both your therapist will give you pointers in how to start healing this particular sore area.
kind regards
Roberta