April 22, 2013 at 5:56 pm #34245
I have been married for a number of years. We have known each other for more than 10. Three months ago my wife and I went on a trip. On this trip I have met a woman who was fairly unremarkable in terms of looks. Being a male this is usually the first thing I notice. However during the course of the trip which lasted 3 days I could not help but feel attracted to her. Not in a physical sense but on a different level. From the conversations we had she exuded positivity and thirst for adventure. Yes she also had a gorgeous smile and very generous spirit.
Ever since that trip I cannot get her out of my head. My wife and I joined the same club she is a member of and I see her occasionally.
No other person has ever had such an enormous impact on me. Thinking about her makes me miserable. I am torn between being faithful to my wife and imagining being with her. The interesting thing is that it is not sexual at all. Whenever I think of her I am just imagining us in a very long hug.
I have never felt like this about anyone. Not even my wife. She has got to me right through all my defenses and straight to the core of my very being.
When I am alone I spent many hours just imagining being with her and crying because deep down inside I do not think we will ever be together.
I do not know what this all means. Do I have a problem? Does my marriage have a problem? Do I just wait to get over it? The problem is that whenever I see her I just melt inside and then it takes me a while to get over that encounter. Do I quit the club? Do I cut all contact with her? We are friends on facebook and ‘like’ each others photos and posts which doesn’t seem to help me getting over her.
What I do know is that hypothetically if she indicated she had any feelings towards me in a blink of an eye I would give up everything I have now to be with her. This kinda scares me.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?May 8, 2013 at 4:11 am #35252LauraParticipant
I think you should think of the message that this whole situation is bringing: for me it shows you are longing for such person as she is.
Maybe thats a sort of person you’ve always wanted to be?Or maybe communication with her offers sort of an escapade from routine ways of living/ thinking?
I remember very wise words said by a priest on my cousins wedding – he said to the newlyweds ” you both are very beautifull, so others will certainly look at you both and chase you, it is even possible that you’ll fall for those other people, but when /if that happens, you first think of what you already have instead of what could be and if that possibility is actually worth loosing what you’ve created together”.
Many people seem sooo amazing until we actually get to know them. So I suggest to be very careful in such situation and evaluate everything with dilligence. I’ve been in a similar situation once, but I’m not married, so there were no obstacles to get with that man who seemed to get to the very core of my very being. Yet after several months it was over. And you have your marriage at stake.May 8, 2013 at 7:42 am #35255Marilyn Briant-RockmoreParticipant
Having spent a lot of years getting to know myself on the inside, I would venture to guess that what you are drawn to is the beauty on the inside of this woman. I would also say that what we are attracted to is a reflection of ourselves. Your longing for her, seems to be a longing to know yourself. There is so much more to each one of us than the physical and I believe the guidance we receive is always telling us this. Perhaps it is time to listen to the message and get to know who you really are?
Love and peace,
MarilynMay 8, 2013 at 9:29 am #35261Carlos CotoParticipant
I will try to help you with two perspectives. First, I have been married twice. The first time I was too young (19 years old). Now I´ve been married for 7 years. The second marriage I treasure it, and I constantly make it work, because life of the married is not just like the fairytales. What you are feeling for this woman, I can imagine, cause it has happened to me also. I see this woman once in a while, and every time I see her…I would give anything to be able to hold her in my arms. It feels very strange.. She physically is beautiful, on a scale from 1 to 10 I would give her a 10. I have to tell you that my wife is also beautiful, I would give her almost a 9 which is great.
Every time I see this woman, I get like a rush inside of me, it´s like a drug or something..and I almost feel dizzy. What I do, is try to think, WHAT I AM PROJECTING on her… I agree with Marilyn, it is like a mirror. You project your psyche, inner self, towards somebody else… Think about it, you don´t really know that woman… Neither do I… It can also, be a chemical reaction.
Perspective number 2, I´m a psychologist, and I can tell you that people tend to project into others the inner self… If we talk about the subconscious, Karl Jung, stated that we have unconscious images that control our inner self. This images are called archetypes. Every man has an archetype called ANIMA, and every woman has an ANIMUS… The female and the male counterparts. We project into women our female inner self, and they project unto us their masculine self. Both of them, unite and help you develop and mature. So maybe, you are projecting onto her, what you need… and you need to take a moment to search inside… the answer to your riddle is INSIDE yourself…and not OUTSIDE…
When you are ready to attract what you need… you liberate hormones, and pheromones as in animals…so your psyche and your body are trying to make you attract her in order to WORK an issue of your INNER SELF.
Try to remain calm, let the anxiety to subside.. and after it subsides, try to think why are you attracting or feeling attracted to her?
Peace of mind,
Carlos.May 28, 2013 at 4:17 pm #36209
Thanks Laura. With regards to people being amazing until you get to know them, yes, I did consider this. However my feelings towards her were so overwhelming that my usually logical mind could not direct its energy towards logical thinking. I had no spare energy left. All of it was taken up by my thoughts of her. I felt like I was just hit bit a freight train just lying there trying to pick myself up. You are right though. Jumping into something without thinking of the consequences would be dumb. After we met initially I actually waited about a week before I sent her my first e-mail. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to say something stupid and rushed. I wanted to send it straight away the next day but I waited and made sure I played it cool.May 28, 2013 at 4:26 pm #36210
Hi Marilyn. “Your longing for her, seems to be a longing to know yourself” Wow, that’s deep. I am not sure I fully grasp this statement but it does seem to resonate with me because I do want to learn about myself more. I am really into yoga and sports which let me spend a lot of time with myself and contemplate what arises in my mind. I haven’t grasped what has happened to me as yet. Your insight might nudge me in the right direction though. Thank you for that.May 28, 2013 at 4:33 pm #36211
Hi Carlos. I think we might be getting somewhere. You said: “you are projecting onto her, what you need”. I think I will have to go away and digest this for a while. I am still trying to wrap my head around it but my instinct tell me this might be the right direction to head. I looked up Karl Jung. I ended up buying one of his books ‘Memories, Dreams, Reflections’ so I am in the process of reading it. There is so much about psychology I don’t know! Thank you!May 28, 2013 at 4:50 pm #36212
Ok just a quick update on what has happened since my original post.
I am still married. I still have feelings for this woman but they have somewhat subsided. They are still there however. I still think about her everyday. I haven’t seen her for about 5 weeks which I think helped a lot. I decided to end all electronic communication with her. Because I am friends with her on Facebook I had to ‘unfollow’ her and block her from seeing any of my updates. I am still ‘friends’ on Facebook so as to not arise suspicion that something is up. This channel is now silent so hopefully this give me some peace and some space. It was a very difficult decision. What triggered it was her post about how she is trying to find a guy, a boyfriend if you like. I could not bear to read about this sort of stuff from her. It would only make matters worse. I made up a story in my mind that we have ‘virtually’ said goodbye to each other. I anonymously posted on her page how I wished her luck in her quest and ended with the words ‘goodbye’. When I typed ‘goodbye’ I meant it. In my mind at least it’s for good.
I’d love to be at least friends with her in real life but my feelings are just too strong. She has many friends already I would just be a tiny blimp on her radar anyway.
Thank you everyone once again.May 29, 2013 at 12:12 pm #36252AlmaParticipant
It’s a commendable thing, that within the matter of ONE month, you’ve already made this much positive and forward movement. These “tests” of sorts are not always easy, so it’s nice to take a moment and see how far you have come. Keep up the introspection! Thank you for your posts!June 2, 2013 at 7:53 am #36355AnonymousInactive
Hello, I hope you don’t mind me posting this story here. I just found it yesterday and it made me really emotional and could help you reflect also…. Let me know what you think. Thank You Anne
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to say it. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She shouted at me, “you are not a man!”
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it to pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell fast asleep because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just didn’t care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.
Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she has, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest… I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come close and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realized that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until one of us departs this world.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: I will carry you out every morning until we are old.
The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build a relationship.June 5, 2013 at 1:09 am #36471
I have seen a few versions of this story with different endings. Basically what it tells me is to treasure what you already have. The trap of taking someone for granted is easy to fall into if you don’t make the effort to treasure them everyday. I am not quite sure whether I can personally identify with this story. I am still looking for answers. I am a long way from getting a divorce though.
Thank you for sharing.June 5, 2013 at 1:11 am #36472
Thank you Alma. It took all of my strength to cut all contact with this woman but I think the pain was just too much and my instinct to self-preserve kicked in. I am still looking for answers though!