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Laura

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  • #37485

    Laura
    Participant

    Iily,
    I don’t really think you should tell him your “number”, if you start a relationship with him-“number”/experience conversations are meaningless, as they don’t add value to anything-if I like someone, I won’t stop liking him cause of his numbers, if he treats me right, loves me and etc.
    As Jade said, your past doesn’t make you unworthy of love and affection – you just acted the way you knew. And when you’re 14, well, you don’t know much (you don’t even when you’re 23 or 30, or 40, as certain learning experiences only come with age). You want a relationship now and you’re willing to be faithful and etc., so just let yourself love and be loved. Don’t listen to that inner critic that tells you that your past prevents you from getting the kind of man you want. If a certain guy will only be willing to see what you were not minding what you are now, well, he is not good for you.

    #37479

    Laura
    Participant

    Laleh,
    I experienced the same almost a year ago. Still working on letting go (I know, its crazy, almost a year and I still feel pain at times, though we were involved just 3 months).
    One thing I want to tell you-its not about you. You have nothing to do with the guys decision to leave in such way as vanishing, which, the way I see it, is quite disrespectful, especially when people are involved intimately, not just meeting for a drink once in a while, as another person is left to wonder for some time what happened, where did he/she went wrong, yada yada, and sort of appear in the position of the stalker,feeling clingy and needy, as they try to contact the vanisher, until they finally get the “message” (sooner or later).
    Its not about your worth (I know you have these thoughts like “am I not good enough to receive a decent explanation and amicable goodbye?”)
    Its all about his character.
    Some men say its how he protects your feelings. In my opinion, its how he protects himself from the necessity to step up and be direct that he isn’t able to deliver what you want (a relationship). In other words-protects his cowardice a**, cause he doesn’t have to see you getting upset, doesn’t have to explain things and etc. And its so easy, as it was an LDR, as you won’t come to his home to get closure!
    So you’re doing the right thing as you don’t text him. You’d only set yourself up for more pain and sadness if you did, as he wouldn’t answer most likely. I texted the guy who vanished on me, after 2 months after he did this just to tell him the way I felt, and its not that I regret doing this, yet that didn’t help me at all. I just realized I’m not getting over a man who actually didn’t care enough and I’m telling him this (a huuuge ego massage.his ego,not mine). Cause lets be honest-when a man cares, he doesn’t just cut things off.
    In your case that “I want to take things slow/ I don’t know where my head is” thing was a red flag. No one says these things when everything goes naturally.
    And its not about mans age when he vanishes – as I said before, its about his character (the guy who vanished on me was 34).
    So you can only get closure by yourself, accepting that it is over. Though you think he might come back at some point, I strongly suggest to consider, if he is worthy of another chance if he actually re-appears. I mean, he had a chance, he blew it and demonstrated the tendency to run away when facing the necessity to do something inconvenient for him. Do you really really want a man like that?

    #36810

    Laura
    Participant

    I agree with Jade-cut all communication with her, as it only keeps you in a delusion-you sort of realize you have no chance and yet hold on to the crumbs of attention instead of putting your effort towards healing from love that can never be and finding someone with whom you could create a mutual loving relationship.

    #35939

    Laura
    Participant

    Sherry,
    what I see in your post is a man whos words and actions don’t match.
    He is not a child who doesn’t know what he does. He knows and he still acts that way: drinks, doesn’t come home, picks fights if you ask him for explanation, makes no time for you, even hits you.
    There are little options in this case, I’d say. The best thing to do would be doing something good FOR YOU.
    Does that man make you happy? Doesn’t seem so, as you don’t know what measures to undertake in order to put things into place. Going back to whats good for you – is a life without a proper care and respect of your man good for you? Don’t think so.
    I do believe you love him, but I don’t believe he loves you. And I suspect you have little love for yourself as well, or else you’d kick the man, who hits you, right to the curb.
    Where is love, there is no abuse, neither physical nor mental.
    I suggest that you make the effort to create a joyous life for you and your child, instead of wasting your energy for some man who obviously doesn’t care about you at all.
    Please resist the temptation to “help him save himself” and to brush his horrible behaviour with you under the rug, and let that man go, he is no good.

    #35252

    Laura
    Participant

    I think you should think of the message that this whole situation is bringing: for me it shows you are longing for such person as she is.
    Maybe thats a sort of person you’ve always wanted to be?Or maybe communication with her offers sort of an escapade from routine ways of living/ thinking?
    I remember very wise words said by a priest on my cousins wedding – he said to the newlyweds ” you both are very beautifull, so others will certainly look at you both and chase you, it is even possible that you’ll fall for those other people, but when /if that happens, you first think of what you already have instead of what could be and if that possibility is actually worth loosing what you’ve created together”.
    Many people seem sooo amazing until we actually get to know them. So I suggest to be very careful in such situation and evaluate everything with dilligence. I’ve been in a similar situation once, but I’m not married, so there were no obstacles to get with that man who seemed to get to the very core of my very being. Yet after several months it was over. And you have your marriage at stake.

    #35251

    Laura
    Participant

    This chemistry thing is very dangerous in the meaning that it puts rose-tinted glasses on and you’re unable to see things as they really are. Don’t rush into “hitting it off” in all sorts of meanings. Observe the guy, the way he behaves, if he pushes you for getting intimate or if he acts with respect towards you. Believe me, as a thirty year old I can wittness there are herds of creeps around, who have little care about your feelings – you’re just another beautiful to girl to them, so they’ll charm you, even future fake you (I think we could be a great couple, etc.etc., without actually ever delivering that to you) in order to get everything that they can from you. I’m not saying he is neccesarily that sort of guy, but you really have to watch is his actions and words match, especially having in mind he is much older than you, and therefore much more cunning in these matters. For me personally guys who chase very young girls are somewhat suspicious, cause its very very rare that people of that different age (I assume you are around 20? and he is around 40?) would have something common except the bed.

    #35250

    Laura
    Participant

    I don’t think you should wonder about what he is thinking about and etc.
    I’m guilty of doing this myself, so I know what Im talking about and how harmfull that is- when a guy whom I was very much into just fell from the Earth after 3 months of daily communication and getting physical, I couldn’t stop sobbing if he ever cared, why did he do that, why didn’t he have cajones to tell me straight away he wasn’t interested anymore and etc.etc. (maybe it wouldn’t have struck me that hard, but it was 3rd guy in a row doing that, so I fell into a long term mode of sadness and dissapointment and didn’t know how to move forward).
    Well all that thinking about what was he thinking / what were his motives didn’t actually help me – it just kept me stuck in the phase of denial of reality that he is gone and that I most likely overestimated him and his interest. There is no such explanation that would make his dissapearing less hurtfull or make his behaviour “better”.
    In your case – there is no such explanation that would make your sufferings “count” and justify him treating you in a “less than” manner.
    The best advice I ever got when in that situation was “think less about him, and more about yourself”.
    Whereas your life and thoughts now evolve around a man who just goes his way, like Bob said, with no attention to you. He is not worthy of your love and care.
    Hopefully this site doesn’t ban forum members from suggesting other sites – if not, I suggest you read an amazing blog, called baggagereclaim.co.uk. Believe me, after that your “wonderful” bf will look just a frog instead of a mysterious prince.

    #35203

    Laura
    Participant

    Bernadette,
    the guy is secretive about such important aspect of your life as finances and gives you silent treatment each time you speak out your concerns.
    He sort of lives with you but most of his stuff is at his moms?
    Does that sound like a commited relationship to you?
    Not really, especially having in mind he is able to have more caring relationships with other, but you.
    When someone cares about you, they put effort into solving the issues that arise and you don’t have to second-guess your role in their lives. They don’t punish you with silence, ignoring you and etc.
    It looks to me that he is just using you in order to have someone by his side, unless something better comes along. Thats why he says he loves you yet continues with the same behaviour (yeah, baby, I’m sooo bad, but I loooove you) – it helps him to keep your expectations low and stay silent about his lame behaviour out of fear of loosing him forever.
    Cut him loose and spare your time for people who actually care about you (first of all-you – take care of your wounded soul and heart), instead of risking your own well-being for the benefit of someone like him.

    #35202

    Laura
    Participant

    I agree with anne – its not just about waiting for that right person to come – we have to do stuff to meet people. E.g., I try new activities every time I have a chance for it (or willfully make chances for it), signed up on several dating sites a couple of days ago, and told everyone I know they should bear in mind I’m looking for a boyfriend.
    And when atually meeting new people I suggest knowing your own worth and letting the people unfold: first dates are all about fun, then you do more examining whether YOU find that person interesting instead of putting effort to be liked, at the same keeping your good traits visible. What is most important is not to go chasing after love, cause that might get you into relationships you would not to be in (and believe me, I do know what I’m talking about:)).

    #35201

    Laura
    Participant

    You’re not a social phobiac – you just have another type of life than most of people around you. That naturally sets a different tone for your interests and social circles that you’re in. Sure it would be nice to be able to mingle with all sorts of people, but do you really need that? I mean, you surely have other friends to talk to, not just people who live nearby, who are more supportive to your and your lifestyle.

    #35200

    Laura
    Participant

    I’d say, break up. What I see in your situation is a man who treats you bad and youre unwillingness to let go, though this situation doesn’t make you feel loved and cared about, and this, IMHO, is not how it should be when in relationship.
    You’re saying you are afraid of not finding love again, but guess what? In the situation you’re describing you will not find love for sure. The man messes with other women, humiliates and abuses you and etc. Does that sound like love? Not for me. Alas, your in LDR after 4,5 years? And no intention of moving together? For me it screams: the man is stringing you along!
    You’re also talking about controlling the mans behaviour. I’d say – loosen up, woman. Your job is to take care of you, not some guy who treats you bad. It is his way and his decision to behave in a certain way, so let him. He is not a child to be told to behave in certain ways, he IS able of evaluating the effect of his behaviour.
    I’ve had hard times letting go this type of relationships as well: it felt like I’m working hard constantly (putting up with their disrespectful behaviour, not stepping for myself out of fear to loose what I thought was love), whereas the guys were getting the benefits of it – a non-confrontational girlfriend, who only asks “how high” when given the instruction to jump.
    What is most important when loosing this pattern of behaviour in relationships is a right state of mind. You’re not wronging someone by leaving them in this case. You’re just allowing them to experience the consequences of THEIR behaviour, e.g. you treat me with no respect – I leave.
    I suggest you to read an amazing blog called baggage.reclaim.co.uk – theres absolutely everything you have to know in order to start loving and respecting yourself more and making yourself available for healthy relationships. Combined with wisdom of Tiny Buddha it makes wonders!
    Best of luck!

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)