Do I let it go?

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    Ryan C

    I fell in love about 2.5 years ago. She loved me too. We never had any physical contact because she is married, and we agreed that we didn’t want to wreck that. Lots of intimate phone calls, emails, etc, but no physical contact… We decided it would be best to try and stick to being friends. Over the years, there has been a lot of tension in our relationship, jealousy of the unknown, and deep regret for not trying to make it happen. She has since moved on, and was able to move me into a friendship role, but I am having a very difficult time of releasing that physical and mental desire for more. I didn’t think that I could be what she needed forever, and I didn’t want to be a home-wrecker in the process. There couldn’t possibly be a worse feeling than breaking up a marriage, and for the relationship to not work out in the end, and I knew that. We speak all the time, and she even wants to help me get through this, but I don’t know how to let go. I still see her as, “the girl of my dreams,” but she doesn’t see me there any longer. This is the biggest regret of my life, and it is eating me up inside. I know that I need to move forward, but the only person I feel comfortable talking to about this, is her. I came here to anonymously vent, and to get some outside perspective, because I am afraid of sharing this and showing this side of me to any of my friends and family. I feel that what I did was right for her at the time, but it feels so wrong for me now. I need help looking forward instead of backward. Thank you for listening.


    I know you’re relying on her to help get over your emotions, but I think it may be working against your progress as well. My advice would be to remain friends but cut off all communication for now, so that you can distance yourself without being reminded of her presence. Let her know that you’re taking some time to sort yourself and out block her if you have to. It takes a lot of time to get over someone, especially someone who feels like your Dream Person.


    Simple answer- yes.

    Longer answer- you have put yourself in a position where you are not going to be happy with any outcome. You can stay around her and be reminded all the time of the feelings you have but can’t express, or you can confess all and possibly ruin a marriage, or you can choose to love her enough to know you have to let her go from your life. I faced some of those feelings when my marriage of 19 years fell apart and my wife wanted to leave. I could make her feel guilty and she would stay and we would both be unhappy, or I could love her enough to let her go. I “lost” either way, but I had to let her walk away because it was the right thing to do- even though it has shattered me inside. It’s not always easy to make the “right” decision. At the end of the day, which one can you choose that will allow you to look in the mirror and know you did right by her and by you?

    As to how you might do that- I don’t know. I wish there was some magic answer because I could use it myself. Letting go is easy to preach, but incredibly difficult to do when you love someone. The best things I’ve found in the last year to help me have been my therapist and a lot of the blogs on this site. Read them and you may find some answers about how you want to make the move to let go.

    Good luck.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Jeff.
    Ryan C

    Jade & Jeff,
    Thank you for your insight. I didn’t have anyone else that I could comfortably talk to about this, and I stumbled upon this site. I am glad I found it! I can’t afford therapy, and don’t have insurance, so I am going to try to sort through my problems and frustrations on here. As for this situation, both options seem right. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I also don’t want to continue letting the situation eat me up inside…
    I appreciate you both tuning in!!



    I agree with Jade-cut all communication with her, as it only keeps you in a delusion-you sort of realize you have no chance and yet hold on to the crumbs of attention instead of putting your effort towards healing from love that can never be and finding someone with whom you could create a mutual loving relationship.

    shamita guha

    Hi Ryan, you should let things go. Holding on to something that is not doing any good to you is similar to staying in a house that has caught fire. No matter how much you loved that house in the past but in present if you stay there it is going to burn in to ashes. You need to accept the present and will have to move on. I just now read an article ” Slave of conditioning” . http://upsohigh.com/the-slaves-of-conditioning/.
    Check that if you want. The crux is free yourself of these attachments because this age and this time will not come back again. If you don’t let it go now some time down the line you are going to regret it a lot. I am telling this with experience. I wish I could have moved on bit early…Best of luck 🙂

    Ryan C

    You’re all great! I still don’t know exactly how to do this, but time and separation are my best bets right now. It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt this way, and never so intensely. I don’t really have a comfort level with anyone, except her, to talk openly with about my feelings. I’m glad I found this site, and I thank you all for your ears, insight, and compassion!

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