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To break up not or not to break up?

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  • #35196
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    I have been in a long distance relationship since 4.5 years now. While the man is generally kind, caring and loving and we had a wonderful 2 years initially, lately he has fallen into very bad company and has become prone to lying about big and small things alike for periods as long as 9 months. Moreoever he has taken up drinking and glambling in a big way due to his freinds’ influences and has lately also confessed his love for another women (but claims thats over and he does not love her anymore) and has also abused and humiliated me using the most profane language during a night of drunken splendour.

    I have tried to control this alot. I have tried my best to make him give up alcohol, find better friends, stop lying etc but the most persistently I tell him to do so, the more we fight and more he goes and does it more.

    The reason I have not been able to let go for so long is that I have had a very abusive childhood where I have been abused physically and verbally by members of my own extended family and my parents were unable to protect me. Due to this my tolerance for abuse and being mistreated is very high and I am extremely low on self confidence, unable to make tough decisions. I am very naive and meek and can be fooled and taken for a ride easily. While I am a beautiful and intellgent girl, I still feel scared of never being able to find love again.

    What do I do?

    #35200
    Laura
    Participant

    I’d say, break up. What I see in your situation is a man who treats you bad and youre unwillingness to let go, though this situation doesn’t make you feel loved and cared about, and this, IMHO, is not how it should be when in relationship.
    You’re saying you are afraid of not finding love again, but guess what? In the situation you’re describing you will not find love for sure. The man messes with other women, humiliates and abuses you and etc. Does that sound like love? Not for me. Alas, your in LDR after 4,5 years? And no intention of moving together? For me it screams: the man is stringing you along!
    You’re also talking about controlling the mans behaviour. I’d say – loosen up, woman. Your job is to take care of you, not some guy who treats you bad. It is his way and his decision to behave in a certain way, so let him. He is not a child to be told to behave in certain ways, he IS able of evaluating the effect of his behaviour.
    I’ve had hard times letting go this type of relationships as well: it felt like I’m working hard constantly (putting up with their disrespectful behaviour, not stepping for myself out of fear to loose what I thought was love), whereas the guys were getting the benefits of it – a non-confrontational girlfriend, who only asks “how high” when given the instruction to jump.
    What is most important when loosing this pattern of behaviour in relationships is a right state of mind. You’re not wronging someone by leaving them in this case. You’re just allowing them to experience the consequences of THEIR behaviour, e.g. you treat me with no respect – I leave.
    I suggest you to read an amazing blog called baggage.reclaim.co.uk – theres absolutely everything you have to know in order to start loving and respecting yourself more and making yourself available for healthy relationships. Combined with wisdom of Tiny Buddha it makes wonders!
    Best of luck!

    #35264
    Tracy
    Participant

    I agree with Laura.

    Have you tried journaling too? Writing down your story (like what you wrote to us) in a journal can be helpful because it de-stresses you even if just a bit and then later on when you read your entry again, you see your situation with a different perspective and you somehow start to come up with possible solutions to improve the situation.

    It will take some time to resolve this, but it is a good idea to start now (or the sooner, the better). Breaking up and letting go is a challenge no matter what. It goes the same with friends, family members, and even people we work with. Sometimes we have to do what is the best for us. The one thing we should always remember is to put ourselves first. It’s like a car…the more you neglect it, the more issues it will have. If you treat it well and take it in for oil changes, tune ups, etc, the less issues it will have and the longer it will last. Think of yourself that way…you are the car that you need to use to drive throughout your life. Your boyfriend is like a nail that keeps popping your tires, making it go flat and you get stuck on the side of the road. You coming onto this forum is your way of calling AAA for roadside assistance. Now that AAA (Laura and I) have provided some assistance, your car is able to get back on the road…it is up to you whether you want to keep driving down the road where you know there will be nails (your boyfriend) or choose a different road to new possibilities. Which one do you think your car will benefit from?

    You took the biggest step to change this situation by asking the forum for help. That means you are ready to make changes for yourself.

    I know the feeling of “what should I do?”…I have been in that position several times, and here is what has worked for me over the years…feel free to do this if you want:

    The first thing you can do is look at yourself in the mirror (don’t worry if you’re having a good or bad hair day!) and say “I love you. You come first.”

    After that, maybe write down things you would like to do with your life. Things you want to do, places you want to see, etc. Have a cup of coffee or tea while you do this. When you’re done, make sure you can see the list of things you want to do…they’re your goals in life.

    Keep looking at the list…think about those things as often as you can. Imagine yourself doing these things. Keep doing it over and over, when you eat, when you go to the bathroom, when you work, when you watch tv, etc.

    While you’re doing this, tell yourself you cannot control anyone but yourself. It is true, we can’t control anyone…they will do what they want/as they please. The only person we can really control is ourselves…and what that means is we can choose to do what we want, as we please. With that in mind, think about letting go of your boyfriend. Think about how it will help you reach your goals if you let go of him. Think about how it will help you become a better person if you let go of him. You are choosing LOVE…you chose to love yourself, to love life. Your boyfriend chose FEAR/HURT…he lives his life with fear/hurting others. You love him enough to let him go and find his way through life. You love yourself enough to let him go so you can be free to live a life of LOVE. You are doing all this for LOVE.

    The more you think about how you’re doing all this for love, the more love will come your way.

    Remember it is OK to let go of people and things. They will not disappear, they will always be there…you are just choosing not to focus your life on them/the things and letting them/the things hold you back. It opens up room for you to let in other people/more healthier things for you.

    It does not matter what type of background you come from…whether it was full of abuse or not. Anyone can be in a similar situation regardless their backgrounds. It is up to THEM to get out of the situation, and they can! That means it is up to you to say “ok I have had enough of this situation…my past is in the past…right now I want to life a loving life for myself, starting today.” You keep thinking that over and over (the more you think about it, the more it happens…it’s the power of attraction/manifesting your life to be the way you want it to be).

    You joined Tiny Buddha for a reason! 🙂 I come here often to help me stay on track with being in the moment, doing things out of love, etc. I believe in you…I believe you will get out of the situation you are in. There will be challenges, that is normal…you just keep moving forward. Whenever you have a challenge, come back here and read an article or talk to someone on the forum like you have!

    I wish you the best of luck…remember you are not tied to your situation, you can get out of it anytime you wish…you are free to do that…and you are going to do anything you do with your life out of love, especially for yourself. Letting go of people who hurt you (and who hurt themselves) is a loving thing to do, believe it or not. He will keep doing what he’s doing to you the longer you stay with him.

    #35612
    samir saha
    Participant

    I would suggest brake-up but if you really love that man and want him to get back to normal life give it a last shot..
    Try to fake brake-up with him..let him go completely for couple of months don’t entertain any attempt of interaction from his side.If he really loves you he will leave all his bad things and will do every attempts to get you back. Else he would give up soon and will continue doing what he is doing. In the later case he is not your man any more and dose not deserve a save by you…get over it…good Luck 🙂

    #35618
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    See,breaking up is the last step of ending a relation with some one,when all the doors are closed and no hopes are left.I tell you,its never easy to leave your partner after being with them for such a long time,and post break up experiences are something,that hurt a lot. No matter who did what,who was right and who was wrong.its a loss for both.

    Respect is the most important factor in any relationship.if you love some one,but cant respect him or her,then things are not gonna work.its my personal experience. I had a break up after 3 long years of a relationship,because my ex girlfriend insulted me,started taking things for granted.Anyways,in your case as you have written,that the guy is generally kind,caring and loving,however, he abused you and humiliated you when he was drunk,then in that case if you are sure that he not going to repeat this again,then you should reconsider your thought of leaving him.I know people do mistakes,but it can be forgiven if and only if, you think it was a mistake and will not be repeated.but if your guy has a habit of doing this every time,he gets drunk then in that case it is the time for you to move on and let him realize what he has lost.If something happens once,it can be forgiven as a mistake.but if the other person keeps on doing the same thing again and again,then its a habit. Physical abuse or verbal abuse are unacceptable and if you have been abused by him again and again,the it is the time for you to move on.Don’t become a victim of your blind love for him.

    and don’t think that you cant fall in love with somebody else,just because you had some bad experiences in your past.i know its really easy for others to say,but change is the ultimate truth and life never stops it self.i know it takes time,you just have to live with an open heart,you just need to give your self some time.you never know what life has for you.I read some where ““Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for the gift.”

    #35619
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    All the best!!

    #35669
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your response. Apologies for not replying earlier I was having an emotional breakdown.
    You’re right.. I am unwilling to let go. I’m not a very strong person. And despite what my boyfriend did, I do love him very very dearly. I keep thinking maybe I should give him another chance..
    You’re right about him not being a child and me trying to control his behaviour. I never thought of it that way, will stop telling people when they’re wrong.

    Have read your blog, thanks for the link!

    #35670
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    Thank you so much for responding Tracy!

    Journaling is a great idea! In fact ive been adviced by my therapist to do the same and I’ve already started. As i dont have anyone to share my feelings with anymore, I share it in my journal.

    It really helps me to think: “You love him enough to let him go and find his way through life.” I don’t think he wants me in his life anymore, so he would be happier to just let me go. His life and freinds are very different from me. They make fun of me for not being “cool” like them by drinking, hooking up etc. And on their behest my boyfreind has started making fun of me too. One night when he was drunk he started singing a song: “You are laaaaammeeeeee (lame) etc etc” and calling me a loser. I think he’s embarassed of me. So he’ll be happier if I’m not in his life.

    Even my mom says the same: ” He will keep doing what he’s doing to you the longer you stay with him.” She says my whole life will be a series of lies, abuses, drunken nights, cheating etc.

    I want this to change. I just want some peace and sanity in my life. God give me strength.

    #35671
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    Thanks so much for replying. I was thinking about that but help me out with 2 things:
    1. I am not comfortable faking anything. I am the worst liar in this world and won’t be able to do this
    2. Even if i do so, that means i would be waiting/hoping for him to change and come back for many more months and it would not help me move on
    What do you think?

    #35672
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    Thank you so much for helping me!

    You are absolutely right. You have helped me define whether or not to break up based on whether it is a one time thing or a habit but am still not able to figure which one it is:
    He has abused me 4 times in the past 6 months verbally. In fact the last time that he did was the night right after he told me about his love for another woman. I expected some remorse or guilt or him to ask for forgiveness but instead he got drunk again and abused me.

    He has been drinking continously since past year and despite repeated promises to stop and even taking an oath in front of god in a temple that he will not drink, he has gone back to his old ways.
    What is counted as a habit and what is a one off mistake?

    You’re right. Maybe this relationship will make me value the more beatuful relationships in my life yet to come. Thanks so much for your guidance.

    #35679
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    see,i think your situation is some what similar to mine.my ex girlfriend did something once,then made promises that she wont do that ever again,and then did that again and again.I forgave her with a hope that she wont do that again,but she did.ultimately I found my self as a victim of the love i had for her.there is nothing worse then seeing your self being humiliated for no reasons.Its better being alone.rather than being abused on the name of love.now when I am not with my ex girlfriend,i often ask myself a question..”how did i let that happen to me..??

    you have written that your guy has abused you 4 times in the past 6 months and he has been drinking despite of repeated promises.so now it is the time for you to decide,but before taking any decision just evaluate every thing,whether there is any scope/hope of improvement??because post break up consequences are very hard to deal with.and even if you stay with him…will you be able to accept him with all those things?will you be able to love him and,respect him after being treated like this?..so think very carefully and just decide for your self.
    Tc

    #35790
    samir saha
    Participant

    Your comments clearly says that you really love that man 🙂 . Faking things could be difficult ,I can understand that…
    Alright, Imagine yourself 5 years down the line-You are married to the same man because of your love for him. You have a kid.Your husband doesn’t changes his habit and does the same bad things to your kids as he does to you now..What will you do then..will you be able to tolerate that….This thought might motivate for faking.
    He has got in to some bad company and few hard steps are required to pull him back…That’s my thinking…Rest is up to you..Good Luck 🙂

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