Hi

I am not sure where to start so will try and get this off the ground correctly.

I live in the UK and am 50 years old. I was brought up as a child in the Jehovah’s Witness religion which is basically a very controlling cult. As a child my parents were dysfunctional – a highly strung and often mentally ill mother who I truly believe had (still alive) a personality disorder. My father was borderline alcoholic and I feel this was due to the pressure my mother put on him with her highly exaggerated fear of God and how if she didn’t obey him to the letter – would be destroyed by God. The massive restrictions imposed upon us as children was severe – no pictures on our bedroom of pop stars etc. – classed as idol worship, no birthdays, no Christmas etc. A strict disciplinarian environment.

I was sadly the victim of severe emotional abuse and a hypnotherapist told me once that I have at least three instances of major trauma locked away inside my mind which I may not be ready to explore. I am 99% certain I was sexually abused as a kid but the memories are cloudy and vague.

I do remember hearing the neighbour in my sister’s bedroom while babysitting asking here to put it in her mouth – she was aged 8 – 10.

When I got to 15 I realized that the cult was not for me and I left it. My parents were told by the elders of the cult to cut me out of their lives and have very, very limited contact – family funerals was roughly about all I could attend – definitely no meals, socialising and any sort of interaction.

I moved out into a bedsit and suffered greatly from depression, suicidal thoughts and moved quickly from job to job.

That’s the issue I need help with. In the years between then and now at 50 – I have had 60+ jobs and find it so difficult to hold onto them.

Being articulate and fairly intelligent I could always secure the job at interview and start with enthusiasm and worked hard. However, it’s the relationship with others that break me down. Or rather bullies. In the jobs I have taken – many times I have been bullied or pushed out and I have readily gone as running away from hurt has always been for me a form of self preservation.

I have been lucky as my home is fully paid for and I don’t need to work for security of home. I do need to work to feed and clothe myself as we all do. Like everyone, I like nice things.

I am married and have been so for 30 years so I know a personal relationship is good – it’s just the working environment that I seem to fail in.

I am so, so, so tired and often think of suicide. I cannot always see what there is to live for if I can’t hold down a job and support myself. Saying that I have never had to apply for a benefit in my life (and I would if I needed) but have stumbled through life feeling inadequate and like some sort of loony.

At this time in my life my judgement is clouded. I don’t know any more if I am susceptible to bullies or very touch and chronically sensitive to the slightest disruption. I do know there is something wrong. I have been on anti-depressants for 30+ years. In the last 5 years I have become increasingly more and more addicted to alcohol – going from drinking every day to drinking all day. I am, fully functional and do believe I am alcoholic.

Academically, the cult we were in as a child did not allow us to go onto further education. There was no need apparently because the end of the world was (am apparently still is) coming. Although I do not believe any of that nowadays – I was robbed so severely.

In the last ten years I decided to get qualifications just for the sake of it – HR High level, Management, Advice & Guidance, Child Abuse Awareness, Preliminary teaching, Protection of Vulnerable Adults, Safeguarding and High level retail management.

I am terrified to try and move into any of these areas due to failure. Indeed, I recently started working in a residential care home right next door to where I live and only hasted a few weeks. Once someone said “Boo” to me I was out the door.

Last year I applied for Disability Living Allowance as a healthcare professional told me to try is – she said the long history of depressive mental health on my file indicates it is a disability without technically being legally identified as one.

I applied – and was knocked back, this crushed me a bit further.

I really don’t know what to do – do I continue to stumble from job to job (to the amusement of people who say – god you move around a lot) or do I do it all some other way?

I am mentally tired and I know the bottom of a glass isn’t always the answer but it takes away the pain a while.

I want to enjoy life and am not afraid of death at all – just to find peace and the ability to never worry or feel terrified that something bad is always about to happen would be a start…..

Kenny xxx