May 27, 2020 at 8:24 am #356766AmieParticipant
I am writing to hopefully rally some caring, intuitive people around me and my current situation. I’d love to figure it out, and would love all the advice and love I can get.
I am a cyclical co-dependant. Unless relevant, I can skip the whole backstory of what created this in me. All I know is that I seek relationships, mostly overlapping them, to ensure I am not alone. I then yearn for independence.
I am currently in a relationship. He is a great man, has some flaws in terms of his own co dependencies and not a strong communicator. I value in our relationship how good of a physical partner he is (in terms of responsibilities). I have lost that passion that yearns for sexual intimacy, but that is often linked to myself and past traumas. He is not happy with that.
I have been accepted into a highly competitive, heavy course-load program at a school 12 hours away. We were searching for the possibility of moving together, where he would then only be 3 hours away from his kids as opposed to 15. He sold his house, which he was selling prior to us being together. For reference, we have been together since about December. He had begun to move into my house and now here we are: I am constantly repeating in my head I need space. I know in my heart I am not ready to commit to living with a partner again, yet. I have been fighting that idea, but as things become more real, I know it is not for me, right now. I was able to express this to him yesterday, and now he is very upset. He reasons that if we aren’t living together, he might as well move to where his kids are instead. Because of covid, my program may become online/long distance and I will not need to move. We will then be 15 hours apart. Truthfully, I don’t disagree. Aside from having a great job here, it makes sense to me that he move to where his kids are; he’s missing valuable time with them. I certainly am not willing to take on the responsibility of being the reason he didn’t. With my gruelling schedule for school and the almost-nomadic approach to placements, I know I would be a subpar partner anyways. He is aware that my schooling is my top priority and we have had the discussion that the relationship, albeit important, would not come first. I am also willing to attempt long distance for the next while until more certainty in all things begin to assemble (school location, placement locations, covid, new job for him in the far-away city).
There’s a part of me that wants to be single. I have really never been. I’m afraid of being alone, which makes me a less than ideal partner in my eyes, anyways. It is paramount to my codependency. I am scared to lose him, of course. I am scared I am making the wrong decision, because I am scared any decision for myself is not the right one.
I’d love some ideas, some validation, some discussions, some advice. Should I call it quits, considering the amount of obstacles that are coming up and my fear he cannot fathom the amount of self-sacrifice it takes the partner of someone in my chosen school/career? Do I risk giving up someone I feel is a good person, a good partner, but maybe allow myself to become a more self-fulfilled person? I feel I have never been so ready as now to do the hard work to get to that point.
Feel free to ask any questions, any clarification, any perspective. Thank you.May 27, 2020 at 2:04 pm #357027anitaParticipant
“it makes sense to me that he move to where his kids are; he’s missing valuable time with them. I certainly am not willing to take on the possibility of being the reason he didn’t”-good thinking on your part, and a good heart for caring about his children and about him, as their father.
“I’m afraid of being alone.. I am scared to lose him”- when we are afraid (or angry) we don’t tend to make good choices for ourselves, and we are not likely to do what is right for others. To not be alone, we’ll accept.. almost anyone into our lives, just so to not be alone. I remember having done that, but I could never endure for long a person I took in so to not be alone.
“I seek relationships, mostly overlapping them, to ensure I am not alone. I then yearn for independence… Do I risk giving up someone I feel is a good person, a good partner, but maybe allow myself to become a more self- fulfilled person? I feel I have never been so ready as now to do the hard work to get to that point”-
– yes, do risk giving up on him, but prepare for the fact that the hard work in front of you is probably more difficult than you think (it has been for me!) But it’s worth it because living without crippling fear is a way better kind of life than life of going back and forth between alone-and-scared and together-but-not-really-together.
What do you think?