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Hi Everyone,
I am writing this post in hopes that some of you may share your advices.
It was late last year when the worst conflicts started. My parents would argue and fight over financial matters and other things that I believe weren’t and aren’t worth arguing and fighting for. There were not only verbal attacks, but physical attacks that occurred. My dad was out of control and I feared so much that other family members and myself included would be harmed. We all were in pain and so much suffering, just everyone trying to catch our breaths. Being the peace maker I am in the family, I did everything in my might to stop the fight and cried. I felt that in many ways I was meant to be in that moment because had I not, I knew that someone might have ended up hurt really bad or dead.
I believe that everyone has a good heart in life, but when faced in very tough situations and crisis we as humans end up not being in our right state of mind, doing things we do not intentionally mean to do like hurt and strike others physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I believe there is no such things as a perfect family. Things have cooled down and our relationship as a family have strengthened. Rocky times are inevitable. But from that day on forward I have had major insomnia because of the trauma I have experienced. Every time a little argument goes on between my parents or between anyone in the family and escalates to something even bigger, I get very worried and frightened that history may repeat itself ones again. Because of all these experiences, I am traumatized and scarred for life. There are times when I want to leave the house and live elsewhere, but I am currently unemployed and would not be able to independently make it out in this world on my own, just not soon enough. I love my family very much and they mean the world to me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without their help, love, support, and care. I can never forget all their sacrifices–blood, sweat, and tears. And at the same time it hurts to just leave them even if I was financially stabled. But my dad’s major hot temperament (type A personality) and negativity and family conflicts get in the way most of the time and negativity from home really depletes my energy, motivation, passion, and desire to want to do good and feel good in life. Sometimes I get too emotional thinking about these experiences/flashbacks and how life is too short to be dwelling on the problems when I believe they can be solved in positive and civil ways. It’s only when we lose loved ones when we start regretting how much we should have shown our true affection and love to them. I wish my dad would be more understanding and grateful and everyone in general despite life’s difficult hardships. I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically drained from all these experiences and have become filled and left always with constant anxiety, worry, and fear which I know will affect me in the long run. I keep all these emotions inside me. I do not want to seek counseling/therapy and do not want my family to undergo more problems. I am a very peaceful person, looking in the good and positive in others, willing to help others, and just being grateful for everything–big or small. I just want to be strong and have the courage to overcome all of this, but it’s a huge challenge.
Thank you for taking the time time to read my post and any advice is very much appreciated.
We share similar experiences with negative/toxic family. In my experience, it lasted through my entire life until my forties when I decided enough was enough. Their negativity had shaped my behavior, thought processes and relationships entirely. In my forties after another long drawn out temper tantrum from my dad against my mom, I decided enough was enough. I did not physically take a stand against them and proclaim “enough is enough.” No. Internally, I decided that I needed to figure out who I was under all this toxicity. I realized that I was a part of it. I was curious about who it made me become. Sadly, after I inventoried my life, I saw that I had lived an anxiety filled life driven by anxiety and fear. In my quest to gain knowledge about my situation and myself, I started meditating and joined a Buddhist temple. I did not become totally involved with the Buddhist community, I would only go to the temple to meditate. I have social anxiety so it hard for me to join a group. Anyway, I went to the library and read lots of books on psychiatric behavior, self help and discovery and buddhism books. This was over a course of 2 years or so.
The most important thing I learned was that in that toxic environment where the Alpha male runs rampant such as my father, he was violating my personal boundaries. I never even thought of personal boundaries like that. Actually, I learned that I did not even understand what a personal boundary was; therefore, I didn’t have very good internal boundaries at all. Once I learned about internal boundaries and how people can violate them and how I can violate others my world seemed easier. Even when my dad was acting out at someone else in front of me, which was still violating my boundaries, I learned some coping skills and a few healthy defense mechanisms to protect my boundaries. My boundaries are healthier and I work to keep them healthy and this has pulled me out of the toxic environment by helping me making decisions to protect myself but still be compassionate. It is learned over time. I hope this helps. Good luck on your journey.
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