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Toxic Marriage – Need Advice

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  • January 23, 2018 at 4:12 pm #188377
    Brenin
    Participant

    My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous relationship. I’ve recently had a mental breakdown and upon trying to figure out why I’m struggling I’ve found parallels to emotional abuse.

    My wife is extremely headstrong and over the years, my self esteem has dwindled. When I would have opinions or a difference in opinion, I was met with anger and disapproval. Over time I’ve developed a fear of telling her things, which has become a huge point of contention because it made the anger and disapproval worse. I was afraid to share new friendships, especially with females as it was seen as inappropriate. I am a very social person, and in order to have friendships I began hiding them. This intensified the anger when things were “found out”. She’s also insisted I tell her every conversation I have with females, and has previously insisted I talk to my parents less as I should only share things with her. I was afraid to tell her about purchases, as I would be reprimanded. There has been times she’s made me return purchases. She’s overthrown my decisions when it comes to the kids, in front of them and it’s made my say have less worth. Again, I don’t believe its malicious but it has been a sore spot. I feel now as though I’m a child in her home. I’ve been stuffing down my emotions, and carrying on cause this is my only frame of reference and based on her reactions I believed I was wrong, misguided and should feel bad. Eventually I did that every time I felt like I disagreed, as any time I tried to stand my ground there was no leway.

    She early on instilled that talking to friends or family about issues between us is not okay, and so I’ve taken her word as gospel.
    It’s left me depressed, very low, unfamiliar with myself, and I have an extremely low self esteem.

    During Christmas I had a mental breakdown and lost all romantic emotion towards her. It has not yet come back. I’ve discussed with a therapist and they said it’s likely a breakdown of emotional trust. I gave her all of my emotion and she stomped on it. She is not malicious, and I believe her actions were due to insecurity but it’s caused me to fall out of love with her. It’s gotten to a point where I want to be anywhere but home. She keeps saying she feels like I don’t care, and that she wishes I’d try. She said she’s willing to change, and that she is trying to support me but I’m not giving much in return. I don’t feel emotion towards her, I feel hurt and I feel like guilt will force me to stuff down my emotions just to continue to appease her.

    She keeps pushing for me to try, and I haven’t left yet as I want to maintain my family but I am miserable. I feel like I haven’t been able to grow as a person, or find my true self because I’ve been slowly beaten down and abided solely to her ideals. We got together when I was 19, I am now 30. My therapist suggested time apart, but my wife refuses to agree to that. She demands marriage counselling first but I just want time to myself to figure it all out. She said although my wife is not malicious, the tactics are not fair. She suggested continuing in the ‘toxic’ environment is not conducive to what I need or want.

    Can I get any opinions?

    January 23, 2018 at 9:50 pm #188445
    Mark
    Participant

    What does your inner truth tell you Brenin?

    Can you put yourself in that place where if you can walk away without any negative consequences (with your kids or with her or financially) then would you do so?

    Trust your inner wisdom.  Do not put that in other people’s hands like your wife or therapist.

    Another way of looking at your situation is to imagine that what you posted was from a good friend of yours.  What would you tell him?

    If we start with that then getting feedback, opinions, advice would be more valuable (in my opinion) once we know where you stand.

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Mark.
    January 24, 2018 at 4:29 am #188509
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brenin:

    You and your therapist agree that your wife is not malicious. Malice is “the intention or desire to do evil”, that is the intention or desire to hurt, to harm another.

    Although she has not been hurting you while calm, having a plan to hurt you, a plan she devised cold heartedly- when she was angry at you, every time that she was, and then she expressed that anger against you, she intended to hurt you, in that moment. As this is the nature of anger- it motivates to fight/ to cause harm to another.

    Reads like she feels threatened often, threatened by  a lot of things: a difference of opinion, a conversation you have with anyone else, a purchase you make. So she has been micro-managing you. And then, as you understandably reacted to her tyranny, she complains that you reacted the ways you did, as if… as if she is not the one causing those understandable reactions. Like a person punching another in the face and then blaming the person for getting a black eye, for having a bruise. Her rational is as absurd as this: how dare you get a bruise?

    One of those understandable and natural reactions is you no longer feel love for her.

    Is her son living with the two of you and how old is your daughter? If she treats her children like she treats you (or will treat them when they do have opinions different from hers, or when they share something with others), then they are in trouble too.

    anita

    January 24, 2018 at 4:44 am #188513
    Brenin
    Participant

    Hi Anita –

    Thank you for replying. My daughter is 7, and her 11 year old son does live with us. Her son is fairly oblivious to the situation, or so he leads on however my daughter is absolutely in tune with the current situation and is being affected.

    I love my wife, but I am not in love with her. She is a terrific mother, very giving and outgoing. She is a very giving partner in the sense that she provides cooking and cleans regularly as well as takes care of the household. The issue is that she tends to treat that as my emotional support. If I bring up criticism or neglect of my feelings, her rebuttal is that she does so much for me. Quite often this is why I would shut down cause I would see I was hurting her by not properly showing her I appreciated the things she did for me.

    She sees the micro managing as being my fault, because I became submissive/passive. She is having a hard time seeing that it was due to her rather actions, her anger, criticism. It became easier to obide to keep her happy than to go against the grain. I fully admit this was not the right approach however to keep the peace and not rock the boat, I chose to roll with ‘happy wife happy life’.

    I obviously didn’t realize the emotional and physical toll this would eventually have on me. The hard part about not discussing with friends or family is that when the meltdown happens, they have trouble supporting because to them the marriage has been picture perfect. It makes it look like I’m habing a single bout, and overexhaggerating. This has left me feeling even more isolated and because I’ve relied completely on my wife’s opinions and choices, I feel powerless and the cycle will just continue.

    January 24, 2018 at 5:14 am #188517
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brenin:

    You are welcome. I doubt very much that the 11 year old is oblivious to the situation he is living in. This is how he deals with it, that is all, not paying attention best he can. Your daughter is negatively affected. The situation needs to change.

    It is nice, I suppose, that your wife cleans regularly and cooks well. It does not make her a loving woman, a good wife or a good mother. When people see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist for anxiety and depression as do many millions of people, does a single person of the many millions state that not having a clean-enough home or a daily cooked meal is in the core of their misery?

    I don’t know. Maybe one, maybe a few worldwide.

    Safety in the home is necessary for a person’s health, for a person’s emotional well being, be it a child or an adult. You need to feel safe having a differing opinion from hers. You need to feel safe initiating a simple purchase, safe talking to people. You need not live in a war zone.

    You wrote that she is a terrific mother, meaning she takes care of the children very physical needs, correct? She takes care of your physical needs as well, doesn’t make her a terrific wife, does it?

    Did your therapist suggest that you bring your wife with you for a couple session or sessions? Or that you see another therapist with your wife as a couple, if so, what was your wife’s response?

    anita

     

    January 24, 2018 at 8:54 am #188519
    Bill
    Participant

    Hi Brenin,

    First – I am so sorry you are going through this. All of it. The relationship struggles and the breakdown during the holidays. It sounds you’re taking on most of this by yourself.

    As I was reading your post I actually thought to myself “Maybe they need some time apart”, and then towards the end you mentioned how your therapist brought it up. My opinion – I think that’s a good idea. I’m all for couples counseling too, but I think you need to work on yourself before you can work on your relationship. From what you have said, it sounds like some time away will give you some much needed perspective. Perhaps you are feeling a strong sense of obligation towards your wife, so when she says she doesn’t want time apart you don’t want to disappoint her? If so, maybe that’s all the more reason why you should take some time for yourself? Once you’re feeling better than I truly believe couple’s counseling is the next step. But work on you first.

    Again, these are just my opinions based on what I’ve read. I really do wish you the very best with this situation.

     

     

    January 24, 2018 at 8:54 am #188563
    Erin
    Participant

    Dear Brenin:

    I think time apart is a good idea, as a matter of fact I think its a great idea.  You sound like a people pleaser and sometimes we lose ourselves.  If moving out is not an option – why not move your things clothes, toiletries, and all into another bedroom – spend some time living together but apart – and I also think it would be a good idea to practice celibacy with your wife while you are “living apart” .  I did this for 6 months, we set ground rules about meals, household chores, and time with the kids just like we were separated only under the same roof –  and surprisingly it saved my marriage completely.  This scenario could put your wife in a position to realize that your feelings are not fleeting, this will strengthen your stance and increase your self-esteem.  Additionally, it will make your wife appreciate you and your relationship, perhaps causing her to realize that she must bend also in order to meet your wants and needs.   If you once loved her, truly loved her, you can get that back and better than before but you have to gain some ground and then stand it.  It could work for you too – Best of luck my friend.

     

    Erin

    January 24, 2018 at 1:07 pm #188753
    Brenin
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    My wife has been adamant about saying she is there for me and supportive. I’ve told her it’s hard to move forward when void of emotion. I’ve stayed in the house, trying to seem okay for the kids and tried to see the positivity. I’ve hugged her, cuddled her and made her know that I love her, I just can’t seem to bring myself around emotionally. There is no romantic feelings toward her.

    She has said a few hurtful things out of insecurity I imagine, fear of losing me – saying I don’t care, or that I’m not being empathetic or sympathetic to her feelings. She sends me articles about fixing marriages, and depression that I read – but I find when we discuss what is going on it ends up being a blame game. She takes jabs, then later says that she didn’t mean it. She shouldn’t have said it, which makes the trust even harder to rebuild. In a time where I am in an emotional crisis, she is continuing the behavior that made me pull away to begin with. I’ve been attempting to be transparent, and telling her how I feel and she is taking offence to it. I get that it is upsetting, and I totally put myself in her shoes. She mentioned that she’s trying to stop me from ruining our lives, that this situation is f***ing up the kids, her and me, that if I cheat she’ll take the kids, that I’m not empathetic, that I don’t care and that I’m not doing anything to help the situation – meanwhile I’ve been reading daily, seeking help from a counselor, discussing on boards similar to this, etc. When I tell her I do care, that I haven’t left, that I’m trying to find myself and have ground to stand on, she reverts back to “I do know you care.” It’s very confusing.  A culture has been created where I don’t feel safe sharing my feelings with her, but she is consistently saying if I had just shared my feelings we wouldn’t be at this point.

    I’m feeling very trapped. I don’t know if I want this marriage anymore. I was so young when we got together, I’ve spent 10 years becoming devoid of myself, and I feel very low. She blames it on depression, but when I’m not around her I don’t feel depressed. I just want to be happy, and have a happy life for my kids.

    Very lost. Again, I appreciate all of your support.

     

    January 24, 2018 at 1:32 pm #188757
    Brenin
    Participant

    I should divulge a little bit more to give a bigger picture.

    A few constant issues have been the following:

    Her son has a learning disability. He has attention issues, which have caused him over the years to fall back to the abilities of younger children. He struggles heavily. I have always made a point of saying we should seek help, we need professional help, but it always fell on deaf ears. It wasn’t until this year (10 years after me parenting this child) that my wife decided to say, “we’ll do things your way. You can take the reigns.” I’ve pushed for years to get the kid help, to no avail.

    My wife has not taken interest in my interests. Rather, she has made passing criticisms. I used to be in a band, and we were progressing quite well, but she hated how I was gone, doing shows, stayed late, etc. – Now I must reiterate, playing music is my dream. It is my one true passion. She pushed so hard, that I finally quit. She asked if I resented her for it, and of course to keep the peace I said no. I made up that I had differences with the guitar player. It killed me. I found other hobbies. Toy collecting (I’m a huge video game enthusiast), as well as media in general. I also took up video games. I felt I wasn’t allowed to do much outside of the house, so I began finding things I can do in the house. I also began smoking a lot of marijuana. I asked her to take interest in the video games I played so we had common ground, she said they all looked the same. This has been constant. She can’t be bothered. I know it’s trivial, but its what I’ve had to make a huge hobby of mine, so it was a big deal to me. She also criticized having my ‘knick-knacks’ on display. It’s not adult. When I finally removed it all and put everything of mine in a small corner in the basement, she acted like I didn’t have reason to do so. I just didn’t want to feel like what I enjoyed was stupid anymore.

    I don’t feel like she was malicious in these things, but I also don’t feel like she understood the effect it had on me. When she criticized the games, I told her to watch to see the intricacies, the differences, what made them unique. She couldn’t be bothered. Same with movies, she couldn’t stick anything out for me, wasn’t interested. It isn’t until I had the meltdown that she wanted to try. For me it felt like it was too late.

    On the flip side, she quit her job, and I encouraged her to do what she loved. She paints, and we’ve pursued a business in it. I’ve learned to build wood signs so she had canvases. Not an interest of mine by any means, but I did it for her. To help her. She wanted to do childcare. I wasn’t big on it, as I have expensive things, but I obliged. I let her pursue it because I knew its what she wanted. Eventually it became a burden to her, to keep up with painting, that she didn’t have enough time for herself keeping the house clean for her childcare and trying to find a balance. It killed me that I gave her what she wanted, and she felt it wasn’t enough.

    Again, I carried on to keep the peace. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted the kids to be happy. Happy wife happy life, and in the push of it all, I lost touch with my feelings. My emotions. What I needed, and so did she. The criticisms, the emotional neglect, it took a toll and I fell out of love with her.

    I hope this helps give more context. I will divulge more as I go.

    Thanks again.

    January 24, 2018 at 2:13 pm #188763
    Mark
    Participant

    Brenin,

    The title of your posting is “Toxic Marriage – Need Advice”  You wrote that you feel very trapped and depressed when you are with your wife.   Plus you have given an extensive list on what things your wife has said and done that are negative, i.e. criticisms, emotional neglect.  All that says it all don’t you think?

    Your phrase “Happy wife, happy life” rings false.  You have admitted that you are not happy and not living a happy life.

    The way you describe your life with your wife sounds like you have given up your power to her.  You have conceded decisions concerning how to help/raise your son and probably a host of other things in order to keep the peace.

    Is that a way you want to live?  What do you want?

    You asked for support and the title of your posting is asking for advice.

    It is clear that the marriage is not working for you and probably is not helping your children.  Advice?  Leave so you can have breathing room to be happy and to set an example what being happy looks like to your children.

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Mark.
    January 25, 2018 at 4:04 am #188843
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brenin:

    Your wife blames you for not being empathetic to her feelings while reality is she is not empathetic to your feelings. She  blames you for ruining your lives while she is ruining it. She sends you articles about how to fix marriages while she  is not reading those articles herself. Her MO is to point the finger of blame at you.

    It is impossible for you to fix a marriage with a woman with this MO.

    Regarding your most recent post: her son’s symptoms indicate to me he has suffered damage caused by your wife during the  ten years of co parenting him.

    At the end of your recent post you wrote: “I carried on to keep the peace. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted the kids to be happy.”- carrying on failed in all these objectives:  didn’t make her  happy and  the  kids are being harmed in the context of this marriage.

    You will be better off no longer in this marriage. The kids will have a chance to get better, I hope, when their father’s mental health is improved (possible outside the marriage). Your wife will continue to blame you, blame her kids, blame others. That is her MO.

    anita

    January 25, 2018 at 6:26 am #188877
    Brenin
    Participant

    So I’m coming to terms with what I want and need. I’ve spent time with close friends and connected with them again through common interests. I’m realizing that I can be myself with them, and I feel re-energized – like a new person. I can laugh, I can be real.

    Last night I was at a good buddy of mine’s house, with him and his wife. We were having a good time, it was late so I crashed. I had called my daughter to say goodnight, and informed my wife I’d be staying. When it got late, I said I’d be crashing as I’d been drinking and it was late. Her response was ‘For real?’ followed by ‘I’ll come get you.’ When I said no, I’ll be home in the morning to get the kids ready for school, it was ‘k’. Nothing else.

    In the morning, I came home and my daughter was sad. She was sad cause her mother was sad. It made me feel extremely guilty for taking time to myself. I tried to explain to my daughter that Daddy needs to have fun too, but because it makes Mommy sad that I’m away, she emulates.

    My daughter is taking this extremely difficult. I’m taking steps to include her in things, and make her part of my world so she feels included. It kills me that she thinks miss needs to be associated with sad. I encouraged her to feel excited to see me again, not sad cause I’m away.

    January 25, 2018 at 7:18 am #188893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brenin:

    I wish that you and your wife agreed to attend counseling for the purpose of co parenting your children better, so that they don’t continue to suffer and be harmed, be it as a married couple or separated.

    Your daughter needs her mother happy, or pleased. It is natural. Your wife should control the expressions of her unhappiness, especially anger, so to not burden and harm her children.

    anita

    January 25, 2018 at 8:36 am #188911
    Mark
    Participant

    Brenin,

    You stated that you are coming to terms on what you want or need.

    Can you share what those things are explicitly?

    Do you know what actions will come out of those realizations?

    Thanks,
    Mark

    January 25, 2018 at 9:00 am #188921
    Brenin
    Participant

    Mark –

    I feel it would be in my best interest to be on my own. Focus on my happiness and the adjustment/happiness of my daughter.

    I don’t know how just yet, but I feel like I need to take the steps.

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