Jetta,

You’re already doing something, you’re looking! It sounds like you’re in an information gathering stage, which is great. Consider just doing that, looking. When you experience your partner, what feelings arise in you? What thoughts? Honor those, there is a lot of information there!

In the meantime, perhaps you could be more assertive in setting boundaries. Its possible he’s not toxic, just ignorant. If you say “I do not like those words/actions, they leave me feeling icky” does he respond lovingly? Does he just steamroll you and your desires?

Your input is not only worthy of both of your attention, it is critical. Some people need others to be direct in their approach to boundaries, or they feel the need to be in control and “save people” from themselves. If you are trying to set boundaries and your partner is unable or unwilling to listen, it may be time to move on. Intimacy cannot survive without them, and intimacy is far to beautiful to forsake.

With warmth,
Matt