Hello, I’m new here and in a state of depression. I’ve been a relationship with my fiance for around 2 years now, we split up for a few months and got back together. This month makes 7 months now and things are not good at all. We have gotten where we almost feel awkward around each other sometimes. We cannot communicate well, I’m not sure if its both of us or what. He suffers from anxiety, ptsd, and bipolar which I accepted when we first met. I always seem to find the ones that are broken and love them even harder. We split up the first time because of communication and me feeling like I was beginning to pull all the weight with the bills and relationship. He has never had real responsibility on his own so holding down a job for him has been a challenge. He has a degree and is very intelligent but comes from a very bad upbringing. He has had to go through a lot of trauma growing up so that affects all relationships now even with his own children. He has 4 kids and only spends time with one of them. I seen so many red flags going into this relationship but our connection and the way he made me feel blind sided me into thinking I could help. He had recently got out of a marriage when we met and I had been divorced 3 years. He lived a few hours away from me so we moved things way pretty fast and he eventually decided to move in with me and my kids and we got engaged. Of course things were great for awhile and then he started changing jobs a lot, his bipolar disorder started to show and we were always fussing and starting to disrespect one another to we eventually split up. I tried the no contact rule for a few weeks and then limited contact after that. I was fine at first with my decision as I knew I needed peace and to work on myself and find happiness again. Two months after the breakup and he is in another relationship, although he did beg me back for a month and a half. I would just tell him I needed time still and he needed therapy. The break up was ugly as he humilated me on social media for a cry for attention and then was posting that he wanted to commit suicide. Several months went by and I found myself longing for him, missing our laughs, his smell, the flirty comments, and all the good stuff. We were at one point best friends and I missed that so much. I tried to date but none of the guys I met were close to how he could make me feel. We started reaching back out to one another saying how we thought about each other everyday and it was hard being apart. The girl he was dating was going through a divorce and he kept telling me he was trying to commit to her and do right in his new relationship and he was not good enough for me. He would reach out then push me away again and block me on everything for weeks and weeks and it hurt soooo much. Finally we started back talking and he explained that he found she was just playing him and he knew that it was not what we had and was just trying to hurt me in the process for letting him go. He wanted to come home and prove to me that he wanted to be with me and never stopped loving me and would do whatever it took. So here we are months later and I’m filled with trust issues, and his narcissistic  ways are starting to show again. We do not communicate well, we start almost every morning off bad, he feels like he has no place with my kids, and we are pushing each other away. Since he has been back he has already threatened to move out several times. We can fuss over something small and it turns ugly and leads to him packing. This is not only not good for my kids but its unhealthy all the way around. I’ve never been the petty type but I feel like he has turned me this way. We can still have really really good days and nights and we both tell each other we want this more than anything and he is even willing and has started therapy. I start tomorrow so I’m excited about that. I know he needs it to deal with trauma from his child hood and has admitted to me several times that people usually end up hating him and he has failed every relationship his been in so he knows he needs help. Tells me he loves me more than anything and wants nothing but for us to make this work. I’m willing to try as I do not want to loose him. Although I know deep down things may never get better and I know I cannot keep putting my kids and myself through this. He tells me he is his best with me and I make him a better person and he can’t loose me. Thats what I want to hear of course but things are different than before. He does not look at me the same, the sweet messages never come anymore, we don’t talk through the day like we use to, he is never really jealous of me like he use to be,  a lot of things just feel way different. I’ve even told him that maybe he really did fall out of love with me and just the thought of us back together sounded great at the time and he tries to assure me that he still loves me and is in love with me but his actions prove different. We have removed each other from all social media recently because he was being petty because I didn’t like a picture he posted and told him I was not doing petty anymore. We had to call off our wedding plans because we cannot get along. He says that he will have to distant himself somewhat form my kids until his therapy starts helping or I make them mind better. We fussed Friday, Monday, and this morning started off bad. I know all this is toxic and starting to consume me. I’ve posted on other forums and have gotten advice but I cannot end things with him.  Why I must feel like I have to have a relationship to not be a failure is beyond me. When we were apart I was not good at all. I was depressed, always ill, found life even more challenging and hated myself more. I feel like if he has not physically hurt me or cheated then we can make this work but how??? Therapy is only going to be twice a month and it will take forever to get what we need out of it. How can we still move forward if we are still hurting and fussing all the time? Sorry this was a lot and probably all over the place as I was kinda in hurry. Thanks for letting me vent