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Toxic relatioship

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  • #378270
    Bella
    Participant

    Hello, I’m new here and in a state of depression. I’ve been a relationship with my fiance for around 2 years now, we split up for a few months and got back together. This month makes 7 months now and things are not good at all. We have gotten where we almost feel awkward around each other sometimes. We cannot communicate well, I’m not sure if its both of us or what. He suffers from anxiety, ptsd, and bipolar which I accepted when we first met. I always seem to find the ones that are broken and love them even harder. We split up the first time because of communication and me feeling like I was beginning to pull all the weight with the bills and relationship. He has never had real responsibility on his own so holding down a job for him has been a challenge. He has a degree and is very intelligent but comes from a very bad upbringing. He has had to go through a lot of trauma growing up so that affects all relationships now even with his own children. He has 4 kids and only spends time with one of them. I seen so many red flags going into this relationship but our connection and the way he made me feel blind sided me into thinking I could help. He had recently got out of a marriage when we met and I had been divorced 3 years. He lived a few hours away from me so we moved things way pretty fast and he eventually decided to move in with me and my kids and we got engaged. Of course things were great for awhile and then he started changing jobs a lot, his bipolar disorder started to show and we were always fussing and starting to disrespect one another to we eventually split up. I tried the no contact rule for a few weeks and then limited contact after that. I was fine at first with my decision as I knew I needed peace and to work on myself and find happiness again. Two months after the breakup and he is in another relationship, although he did beg me back for a month and a half. I would just tell him I needed time still and he needed therapy. The break up was ugly as he humilated me on social media for a cry for attention and then was posting that he wanted to commit suicide. Several months went by and I found myself longing for him, missing our laughs, his smell, the flirty comments, and all the good stuff. We were at one point best friends and I missed that so much. I tried to date but none of the guys I met were close to how he could make me feel. We started reaching back out to one another saying how we thought about each other everyday and it was hard being apart. The girl he was dating was going through a divorce and he kept telling me he was trying to commit to her and do right in his new relationship and he was not good enough for me. He would reach out then push me away again and block me on everything for weeks and weeks and it hurt soooo much. Finally we started back talking and he explained that he found she was just playing him and he knew that it was not what we had and was just trying to hurt me in the process for letting him go. He wanted to come home and prove to me that he wanted to be with me and never stopped loving me and would do whatever it took. So here we are months later and I’m filled with trust issues, and his n<span class=”u9DLmf” role=”heading” aria-level=”1″>arcissistic</span>  ways are starting to show again. We do not communicate well, we start almost every morning off bad, he feels like he has no place with my kids, and we are pushing each other away. Since he has been back he has already threatened to move out several times. We can fuss over something small and it turns ugly and leads to him packing. This is not only not good for my kids but its unhealthy all the way around. I’ve never been the petty type but I feel like he has turned me this way. We can still have really really good days and nights and we both tell each other we want this more than anything and he is even willing and has started therapy. I start tomorrow so I’m excited about that. I know he needs it to deal with trauma from his child hood and has admitted to me several times that people usually end up hating him and he has failed every relationship his been in so he knows he needs help. Tells me he loves me more than anything and wants nothing but for us to make this work. I’m willing to try as I do not want to loose him. Although I know deep down things may never get better and I know I cannot keep putting my kids and myself through this. He tells me he is his best with me and I make him a better person and he can’t loose me. Thats what I want to hear of course but things are different than before. He does not look at me the same, the sweet messages never come anymore, we don’t talk through the day like we use to, he is never really jealous of me like he use to be,  a lot of things just feel way different. I’ve even told him that maybe he really did fall out of love with me and just the thought of us back together sounded great at the time and he tries to assure me that he still loves me and is in love with me but his actions prove different. We have removed each other from all social media recently because he was being petty because I didn’t like a picture he posted and told him I was not doing petty anymore. We had to call off our wedding plans because we cannot get along. He says that he will have to distant himself somewhat form my kids until his therapy starts helping or I make them mind better. We fussed Friday, Monday, and this morning started off bad. I know all this is toxic and starting to consume me. I’ve posted on other forums and have gotten advice but I cannot end things with him.  Why I must feel like I have to have a relationship to not be a failure is beyond me. When we were apart I was not good at all. I was depressed, always ill, found life even more challenging and hated myself more. I feel like if he has not physically hurt me or cheated then we can make this work but how??? Therapy is only going to be twice a month and it will take forever to get what we need out of it. How can we still move forward if we are still hurting and fussing all the time? Sorry this was a lot and probably all over the place as I was kinda in hurry. Thanks for letting me vent

    #378279
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    Because of shortage of time, I read through your original post quickly and would like to return, re-read and reply further tomorrow morning, in about 17 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

    For now, it is clear that you are very much emotionally attached to this man, that if you continue the relationship, you will continue to suffer, and so will your children, and if you separate from him, you will suffer, and so will your children, because their mother will be in such pain. Emotionally it’s a catch 22 situation: you suffer if he stays, you suffer if he goes, at least for some time.

    If you are okay sharing about what in your childhood experience led you to be in this situation, please share.

    anita

    #378310
    Bella
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for taking the time to read my post and reply. I’m an only child and my parents divorced when I was 2. I lived with my mom until I was around 10 and then lived with my dad for a few years and then moved in with my grandmother at age 13 until I got married when I was 19. My mom was young and over the years she partied a lot and that always seemed more important and my dad eventually started drinking bad and is an alcoholic. It took years but I do finally have the relationship I needed with my mom. I needed it a lot younger and other times through my life but it’s way better now. My dad has been in and out and we have not talked in about a year now, which I’m use to.     I had our first child at age 21. Was married 16 years and we had 4 kids together. Eventually it led to a nasty divorce, which was devastating to me. I stayed way too long with a man that had anger problems and would just snap. We did not argue and fuss like I do with my current fiance, but when we did it was usually bad. My ex also had problems  dealing with his sexual orientation and would often hide his porn and fantasies etc from me and I think it caused a lot of his anger because he held a lot inside. Eventually his anger turned towards our kids and I made him leave. I do resent him and hate that it split our family up. It’s been 5 1/2 years and its still hard trying to raise 4 kids. He gets our youngest two every other weekend and that’s pretty much it. Our two oldest do not have anything to do with him. My ex husband had a really bad up bringing also and he has some deeper issues. Almost similar to my current partner and I do not know why I fall for this type. My partner now can be so loving and sensitive sometimes and we can have the best connection but all the other drama is soooo much to deal with. It’s almost like I’m having to raise him also in ways. I know I need someone that is ready and can bring what I bring to the table. I need someone to love me and my kids and help and support me, someone to emotionally be available to me and my needs and the kids. I feel like he can do that but he is so stuck on what he needs also and can be selfish at times almost. This is his first time really having a vehicle in his name and doing real grown up stuff so he thinks he should be praised and everyone be proud when I’m too busy trying to raise kids, work full time, take care of everyones daily needs, and hold life together. So of course when things are not going well between us and we are fussing everyday he feels like a failure and nothing he does is good enough. He does not help with the kids that much as he feels like they don’t listen and I let them get away with too much. Which is probably true because I felt horrible after my divorce. I was the only comfort for them when my world was also torn apart by threads so I have been trying to get all that back in control also. My thing is he has never experienced raising children and he has good logic and ideas of how to get them back on track but he also can be stern and over react to a lot of things so he has just decided to pull away until he can figure out his place in this family he says. But yes Anita I feel like I’m in pain either way I go. He does help in ways and in ways he makes things more difficult. I know we are not in a healthy relationship but I will suffer from the pain and depression if we split up almost worse than what I’m dealing with now. I know what needs to be done and I have a feeling what my therapist will suggest today but the detachment just seems overbearing. I’ve told so many women and friends not to stay in a relationship that does not add value and growth and here I am.

    #378455
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    You are welcome, it is my pleasure to communicate with you.

    You shared that your parents divorced when you were 2. From 2-8, you lived with your mother who partied a lot. You then lived with your father for 3 years (he became an alcoholic at some point), and then for 6 years, you lived with your grandmother. At 19, you married a man who had anger and sexual orientation/ pornography problems. You had your first child at 21, and remained married for 16 years, four kids together. At about 35 years old, you divorced after he turned his anger toward your kids. It was a nasty, devastating divorce. (Currently, he sees only your youngest two children every other weekend, “and that’s pretty much it”).

    At about 38, you entered a relationship with your current live- in boyfriend/ fiancé, now two years into the relationship. He suffers from anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. He has 4 kids, and spends time with only one of them. He has trouble holding down a job. You labeled the relationship with him, a “Toxic relationship” (the title of your thread), a relationship that “is not only not good for my kids but it’s unhealthy all the way around”. The two of you “can still have really, really good days and nights”, but there’s otherwise a lot of turmoil, and recently he threatened to move out of your home several times.

    He expressed that “he has failed every relationship he’s been (in)”, that he needs help and that he is willing to start therapy. Your first individual session with a therapist is today, probably over by the time you read this.

    You posted about the relationship in other forums and was advised to end the relationship, but you feel that you “cannot end things with him”. When the two of you had a break before, you felt “depressed, always ill, found life even more challenging”, and you hated yourself more. About the idea of breaking up with him, you wrote: “I know we are not in a healthy relationship but I will suffer from the pain and depression if we split up almost worse than what I’m dealing with now”.

    My thoughts today: you rejected advice given you on other forums, to end this relationship, because you suffered a lot before, when on a break from him, and you don’t want to suffer that way again if there is another break, or a breakup.

    When you grew up with your mother (your first attachment figure) who was into partying, and so, neglecting you emotionally- it made a huge impact on you.

    No one else during your childhood gave you the attention and care that you desperately needed. It is that same neglected and scared child who is now, at about 40,  still scared of being alone, without her current attachment figure, who is a very troubled man.

    How did therapy go?

    anita

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