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Transference

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  • October 23, 2015 at 8:05 am #85941
    jock
    Participant

    A current person in our life we either idealise or demonise. We tend to treat or deal with this kind of person how we have treated or dealt with a similar type before in our life. It becomes a pattern as we generalise and acquire prejudices towards types of people.
    Transference occurs to me every day. even when I am not aware of it. As I age I have accumulated countless transferences.
    I suffered some mild bullying in my childhood from older siblings. I have a habit of acting submissively if I meet a person with similar confidence to my older brother for instance. If someone speaks to me in an aggressive manner, instead of standing my ground, I lose composure, eye contact goes to the ground and I immediately second guess myself. My voice loses its texture. I become a fearful child again. (later on of course I beat myself up for acting so meekly)
    I think we need to be aware of our current transferences, so we devise an action plan to address our unhealthy reactive patterns of behaviour.

    October 23, 2015 at 9:03 am #85946
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    I am impressed by the clarity of your post here, very clear, well described in few words. Transference indeed. I noticed it in you in this very forum: when a member negatively criticizes another you jump on the band wagon of the criticizer, almost automatically, submit your own brain to theirs. It occurred to me before you posted this that you are “a follower” in this regard, someone is negatively criticizes another, that is expressing a bully trait that triggers you- and you turn around and lie on your back, taking the submissive posture. Here on this website! This is why, this very website can be an opportunity for you to exercise a different behavior, right here! It is easier than in real physical life because you can “catch” yourself in typing, read your post, detect the submissive reaction and … change it, feel the discomfort involved in this kind of change but it being relatively safe (nobody here is paying your bills, nobody here has a physical effect on your life)- it is an opportunity for practice. A practice you can… transfer to real physical life. This way it is not a forum-addiction you are practicing, but assertiveness training!

    anita

    October 23, 2015 at 10:28 am #85958
    jock
    Participant

    Anita
    Hopefully we can remain civil here by agreeing to disagree. From my point of view this is what happened a few days ago.
    I saw a post from Inky and the words that stood out for me were “we are not trained therapists, take our advice with a pinch of salt.” Now the actual topic on abortion was irrelevant to my post. I thought what she said was a fair comment and one we all need to remind ourselves on here, now and then. But perhaps “the pinch of salt” part was extreme and inflammatory on reflection. I see now that someone who takes time to give concerned, respectful replies might take offence to that part. Or maybe you take offence to the other part as well, that you are not a trained therapist? Do you see yourself the equal of a trained therapist? I don’t see myself as a trained counsellor, so I don’t expect people to take my advice as gospel truth. That doesn’t mean I don’t respect your writing though. I do.
    So Inky’s words concurred with something in the back of my mind. Some doubt I had about forum advice in general and the tendency for us to take ourselves too seriously. My post was not an attack on you. But I definitely get the impression that you took it personally and I can understand why to an extent. “jumping on the bandwagon” to me was not up to your usual standard of analysis. I agreed with one thing Inky said and I am “jumping on the bandwagon”? That is more like you jumping to conclusions. You being defensive. And maybe it is the first time I noticed. It seems to me now that you were immediately going to your analyses of my inner selves, as if you know everything about me. But that is your illusion I’m afraid. Because you don’t know the real me, the one in real life, you only know the cyber version.

    October 23, 2015 at 10:38 am #85960
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jack:

    I like your fighting spirit here. Once I got over my fear of your negative criticism of me here, once I took a moment to calm it down, I am able to appreciate you standing up for yourself here! Thumbs up from me!!!

    To your questions about trained therapists: there are so few GOOD enough trained therapists, Jack. So many unqualified trained, certified therapists. I met quite a few. Do you disagree with this assertion of mine?

    I do not see myself as a trained therapist or as a therapist at all. I have proof of that: I submit before I read my comments. That is why what I submit has so many grammatical mistakes and other mistakes. I am also not paid for my input here so this is not a profession.

    Oh, Jack, I am convinced I know you more than most of the people in your “real life”-

    I have no doubt about it.

    What do you think about that last assertion?

    anita

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