“You are beyond words the best person that has walked into my life besides my son.” –My ex, September 2018

I wrote here a few weeks ago, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself, but I still find myself struggling mentally. Some backstory…

I’m in my early-40s, twice divorced, with a grown daughter who lives in another state (where I lived before my ultimate relocation here in the Midwest). I served about a decade in the military before I moved back home to be closer to my daughter, who was just entering her teen years. (My first wife and I divorced shortly after we arrived at my first duty station, so they moved back home across the country when my daughter was about 4-years-old.) I knocked out my bachelor’s degree and worked for the local government for a few years. Lived with my parents for five years or so, which was humbling as a man in his late 30s. After my daughter turned 18-years-old, I did a summer out West serving in the AmeriCorps with some fellow veterans. About a year after I returned from my summer with the AmeriCorps, and since I felt that the 10-years back home near my daughter was sufficient, I landed a job with the federal government and took a job near Washington DC—with the help of an old military friend—which ultimately took a year and a half to start. Unfortunately, the job did not pan out and I transferred to another federal job in the Midwest—arriving here in January 2020. I should add that I began grad school after finishing my stint with the AmeriCorps and graduated this past March 2020. I don’t say all this in a braggadocio manner, but rather to state the personal/professional goals I’ve achieved—all while battling what is called “persistent major depressive disorder.”

I’ve battled depression for as long as I can remember. Introversion and a lack of self-esteem as a child, combined with an emotionally neglectful mother, let me with a sour view of myself and the world. I was never close with my parents, so I still struggle to share parts of my life with them. Honestly, there are very few people who I am close with, which has obviously caused failures in relationships. To that point…

In mid-2017, in the weeks after I applied for the job near DC, I met someone in a training class at work. We exchanged numbers and went out for drinks. I was open with her that I had applied for a job in DC and would likely be leaving in the fall. She had an 18-month-old son at the time, so we tried to have a causal relationship knowing it would likely end in a few months. Well, being the US Government, I did not end up starting the DC job until the fall of 2018. By then we had been dating for 16 months and it had grown into something more serious. However, I kept the myopic mindset that I was leaving and never gave her as much of me as she deserved. I was dishonest with her. I cheated on her a few times, which I never told her about. I did not make the commitment to her that she made in heart and mind with me. As she said in a text before she left to return home:

I know you care about me but I don’t necessarily have the energy to devote to you. And you don’t care for me in a way that leads to a life together and so I have to move on. It takes a village to raise a child and I don’t even have a partner. So I have to go back to my village. I’m afraid to leave you because I don’t know what will happen to your mental health without us here. Maybe it will improve because you can exert more energy on yourself? Maybe it will get worse because you’ll spend too much time locked away in your room eating away at yourself in your head? I’ll hope for the aforementioned. Winter will be hard but spring will be amazing as you finish school and the season changes. Ideally, you’ll take that opportunity to focus in on yourself and breathe in a fresh lease on life. Not everyone is going to be something extraordinary but that doesn’t make them any less important.

When I arrived in DC in the fall of 2018, she wanted the relationship to continue. She asked repeatedly to discuss moving up there and the three of us moving in together. As I mentioned, the job was not what I thought it would be from the start. (It was an internship that led to a career-appointment in the federal government.) Unfortunately, there was a non-existent training program, and for the first few months, they did not know what to really do with me. My boss was new to the role and did not understand that being an intern meant I knew very little about my duties—even though I explained this to her in our initial meeting. As my new position was floundering, my home life wasn’t faring any better. My friend, who helped to get me the job, was married with a young daughter. He had served in the federal government for some time and had a multistory home, of which he rented out the finished basement to me for a low price. However, his wife claims she didn’t know I was coming and quickly became passive-aggressive with me. Talking to some coworkers at the time, it turns out she was extremely jealous of all his friends and he was essentially not permitted to socialize with them. Therefore, I immediately felt unwelcome in their home (even though I spent my nights in the basement and weekends away doing homework for grad school).

Within a month of my arrival there, my ex had to land a job with a top multinational consulting firm based in DC. While the money she made was more than I was making, it was going to be tough for her to live alone. She wanted to free me from the stressors of living with my friend and family by getting a place together. I remained noncommittal and she ended up getting a small one-bedroom on her own. She would relocate to DC shortly after Christmas 2018—less than two months after my arrival there.

If I’m honest, while I cared for her and her son deeply, I saw DC as a fresh start with me. I would “start over” there with a job that had the potential to reach nearly six figures in a few years. I had dreams of living the city life, seeing the sites, bar hopping, and meeting other professionals. I did not envision a familial life there with her and her son.

And it isn’t as though I didn’t love her and care for her and her son deeply. I worked to help her see herself in a better light. Encouraged her to enroll in grad school and bought her a laptop so she didn’t have to share her mother’s. I tried to do things for her to show her how important she was to me. We spent most weekends together and her son grew to adore me. Nearly every time I’d visit until they left to return home in the fall of 2019 when I would walk in the door of their place, he would run around and scream, “[My name] is here! Mommy, [my name] is here!!” I knew the three of us had a special connection.

Yet, there were things about her that I could not get past. She battled with the guilt of feeling that her son robbed her of her life. He was an accident and the father would largely abandon them after her son was born, which led to her moving back home to live with her mother. Before we had met, there was a discussion of having her mother raise her son until she was ready to be a mother. She also dealt with depression and anxiety, which she continues to deal with I’m sure. I understood her battle with depression, and we both worked to lift the other up and see ourselves in the light the other did. However, there we too many times when she would grow frustrated with her son and yell at him. It just always felt that she did not relish in being a mother, and I questioned if I could spend a life with someone who did not take to motherhood—which, perhaps, is selfish on my part.

And I battled if I was ready to be a father to a young boy. On one hand, I felt such a bond with him and knew I could be the father to him that his own absent father wasn’t (and a father I was not to my daughter for the first half of her life.) At the same time, if I made that commitment and my heart was not in it, I would be doing the same thing to him that I did with my daughter. This was the war I waged in my heart and mind until they left to return home late last year.

Ultimately, our relationship as a couple ended within a month of their arrival in DC. Things would be difficult for her there. She was largely alone in a city she could barely afford, and soon began job hunting back home. As we were both in graduate school, our time together was limited. I could occasionally stop by work during the week but always kept a day on the weekend to spend with them. I put so many miles on my vehicle exploring the area with them, and some of the memories I will treasure forever. I always made sure she had groceries and clothes for him as the seasons changed. Still, she was largely alone in a new city with only her young son. Having been alone here in a new city for much of this year, I can now appreciate how excruciatingly painful this was for her. She obviously held a grudge about me not moving on, and even though she claimed she did not move for me, I know that she did. There were quite a few nights that she was just awful to be around, and we would part on bad terms. So, she ultimately took her son and returned home.

I was offered and accepted this new job a few weeks after they left and would move her after Christmas 2019. I finished grad school in March and then the pandemic hit. I did not have time to form friendships before we shut down, so my time since March has been spent inside working from home. I walk for 30 minutes nearly every night, but I know my depression holds steady. I have struggled with focus at work. Frequent inability to concentrate and my memory is shot, even though I’ve tried to minimize distractions. This time has afforded me ample time for rumination, which I’ve tried to journal. I want to return to a gym next week, as I have not been since I began grad school back in late 2017.

My ex had a bad first few months back home. She fought depression and suicidal thoughts and the idea of returning home and the end of another relationship. She wrote:

I’m just always kept within arm’s reach of relationships. I’m the one that got away. Or the relationship is everything except a complete commitment. Or I’m good to talk to and dating me sounds like a good idea then it’s a rain check. Always. That is my relationship summary for every relationship I’ve had since fucking middle school.   I don’t get it. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. What I do wrong. Mentally I’d rather be alone. Physically I can’t stand being alone. Any physical touch is so much to me. But I’m tired. I’ve wanted to be that couple that looks back at 60 years of marriage since I was a kid. And it won’t happen. Ever. And I’m tired of trying. Tired of waiting. Tired of failing. Tired of dreaming. It’s just not meant for some people and I think I’m some people.

Ultimately, she has found her groove in her new job, and met another coworker in April, and has been seeing him since. This, obviously, stings a bit still but I do want her to find happiness, even if it’s not with me. Even after she returned, and until she told me about dating someone, I continued buying her little gifts, which may be seen as quite pathetic. I just knew that money continued to be a struggle for her, and I thought a few practical things would help.

Is a woman’s love an addiction for me? A way to fight the loneliness? Why do I constantly feel like a woman can save me, even though I continuously push women away who get close to me? Am I too weak to be honest with them, and end up hurting them more because of my fears?

My apologies for this turning into a novel. I don’t expect anyone to take the time to reply. Honestly, it felt good just to get it out. last fall but truly ended a year and a half ago. I am resilient and will bounce back, but I cannot continue to enter relationships with women, only to know there is no future. Obviously, I cannot encompass all that was our relationship here. Only I just cannot understand what/why I still pine for in a relationship that ended a year and a half ago. I do not know why I miss them so damn much.