tried to decide but then…

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    Hello there!

    I need some help, and I don’t know who to turn to. My friends just tell me I should leave him, but they wouldn’t know how it feels.

    There is a guy 13 years older than me, we first met through a work project i was directing. Due to common interests and mutual respect for each other’/ professional work. Over time we realise we had a lot in common, from personality quirks, sense of humour, flaws, childhood, values and believes in life and our similar dedication to our creative work. To the extend that many times we both wonder in awe at how similar we are.

    When I first confessed my feelings to him, he professed to having always had feelings for me for a long time but never acted on them as he has a girlfriend of 10 years. That shocked me as he never mentioned her or acted like he was in a relationship.

    We continued being friends and I tried my best to bury my own feelings for him. But slowly it became obvious that we were both just pretending very hard that we were just friends. He eventually confessed to having fallen for me but feeling trapped and torn between me and his responsibilities to his girlfriend.

    throughout all these, i never wanted to ask him questions about their relationship as i felt it wasn’t appropriate and that he needed to resolve and decide for himself as it was a personal relationship between the two of them. but i also felt very hypocritical being the third party and constantly question myself how i allowed myself to get into such a morally questionable situation.

    we talked about it and decided that it is wrong for us. i tried to distance myself, or let it die out, or distract myself. each time we ended up talking about it and getting back together. I knew i couldn’t truly just be friends so I needed space by myself to get over it, but the time apart made both of us really bitter and drove us to want to be closer instead and now we are both so confused.

    I don’t know if i should give up because i feel like it’s an unhealthy way to handle or start a relationship or if we should both hold on and work it out together.

    what should i think? what should i do?

    all i know is that when i still all my worries and fears and doubts i do very much want to be with him and share good and bad moments with him.


    Hi moshushi,

    A classic “I want my cake and eat it too!” moment.

    He has to break up with his girlfriend OR leave you alone. Simple.

    Is he hoping his GF will eventually break up with him?

    Does she know about you? Or are you a dirty little secret?

    You know what the right thing to do is: Abstain.

    One day you’ll look at him and he’ll seem less charming, more sad, and gross. I promise!

    Good Luck,


    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

    Moshushi –

    I fully agree with Inky here.

    And, speaking as a guy, this guy you work with and are attracted to is doing nothing more than cheating on his girlfriend of 10+ years – even if it’s merely “emotional cheating” at this point. Of course you were shocked when that came out – as he kept her hidden for as long as possible. He’s not thinking of you. He’s not thinking of her. He likes playing with fire. Only you will be the one burned.

    While he may seem charming, he’s morphing his responses to be what you want to hear. Often, this is a psychological challenge for some – “Can I do, say and react to things in order to get her to fall for me?!”

    Now, listen to your own words:
    “I feel like it’s an unhealthy way to handle or start a relationship”

    Also, as in many dishonest relationships, if he is doing this to his current girlfriend then who says he won’t do it to you as well should you become his current girlfriend?!

    Look at it this way; he’s wasting your time – and emotional energy. Really. The sooner you make a clean break (like, ASAP), the sooner you’ll be freed to discover the person who’s out there – and right for you.

    Peace to you today.



    Dear moshushi:

    You wrote: “throughout all these, i never wanted to ask him questions about their relationship as i felt it wasn’t appropriate and that he needed to resolve and decide for himself as it was a personal relationship between the two of them.”

    If I was you and if I felt so drawn to him, as you do, I would ask him questions about his ten year relationship with his girlfriend. That would be my one and only topic of conversation with him. I will ask question after question and listen for his answers. This will remind me, every time I talk to him, that he indeed has a girlfriend. And it will remind him, every time he talks to you, that indeed… he has a girlfriend.

    Him having a girlfriend is the elephant in the room. Pretending there is no elephant in the room feels nice sometimes, but the elephant is still there.



    Hey Moshushi!
    Some times we want really, really hard for things to work out; because in some aspects someone seems so perfect and made for us. But by your own description, to maintain the relationship you have to act in a way that is not cognizant with your personal moral beliefs. That in itself makes the relationship imperfect.
    “what should i think? what should i do?”
    I would suggest writing down all the thoughts you have that are making return to this relationship, and assessing them one by one to see if they are really true. I would also be mindful of what situations I am more tempted to contact him in; find out what I am hoping to get from him in that situation and then try to find it else where. For example, if you are tempted to contact him after a hard day of work, is it because you need a listening ear? Is there anyone else that can help you meet that need? A friend, or a forum? It may not be quite the same as talking to him; but it will get your need met. You have to slowly and ACTIVELY convince yourself that you dont need him; and you need to do that by meeting your own needs in whatever other way is available to you.
    Hang in there 🙂

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