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Trigger warning: sexual assault? I would appreciate advice

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  • #403878
    Girl
    Participant

    Trigger warning ⚠️

    I’m only writing here because I can’t talk to any of my friends and family about it because I feel so much shame about what I did. I’m not including details to try to justify what I did but to explain what happened. I’m a 20 year old female and I was seeing this guy for 4 months and having sex with him since the beginning and was dating him for about 1 month at the time this happened.

    Some background information is that we didn’t use protection except pulling out and I wasn’t on birth control. He had told me he really did not want to have a kid at a young age and I agreed.

    The day this happened we were having sex and he finished before I did. He got up to put his boxers on and i grabbed him  and told him I wanted to keep going. This wasn’t the first time I had done this and he never had protested before, but this time he did. He told me he didn’t want to risk getting me pregnant. I told him “we’ve done it before I won’t get pregnant, please.” He said no again 2 more times.

    I was hurt because he never had rejected my advances before, which I know is no excuse. I lay back down and I think he noticed that my feelings were hurt. I think he felt bad and out of pity said, “come on, let’s have sex”. And we do until I finish and as soon as I do he wants me off of him. I could see the hurt in his face. I hate that I didn’t notice his body language and I wish I would’ve just respected his wishes.

    A couple days later he brings up that what happened that night was rape, and looking at it I know it is. I feel so guilty about it and I know I don’t deserve forgiveness from myself. He has told me he forgives me for it but I can’t give myself it. I feel so horrible for causing this kind of pain on him. I have contemplated suicide because i don’t know how to live with myself after causing this kind of pain on somebody. I however, can’t because my mom has mental issues and I know her daughter committing suicide would send her into an episode.

    I have never stood for sexual assault, and I know so many friends who have been through this and how much it sticks with them. I don’t know what I should do because on one hand I’m not proud of the person I am but I know I can’t hurt my mom like that.

    #403964
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girl:

    “I grabbed him  and told him I wanted to keep going…. He told me he didn’t want to risk getting me pregnant. I told him ‘we’ve done it before I won’t get pregnant, please.’ He said no again 2 more times… (he)  said, ‘come on, let’s have sex’. And we do.. A couple days later he brings up that what happened that night was rape, and looking at it I know it is”-

    choosing therapy. com: “Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, guilted, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone…  Coercion does not include consent… Consent is freely and voluntarily given and can be withdrawn at any time… Here are some examples of sexual coercion: Badgering– In this scenario, sexual coercion results from repetitive asking and questioning until you are so worn down that you give in. This can happen any time, from a first date to those in long term relationships and marriages. The person is persistent and it can feel easier to just go with it than continue defending your answer… Emotional manipulation:…  they begin to withhold any kind of communication, contact, or safety in the relationship until they get what they want. Guilt Tripping: .. Sexual coercion through guilt occurs when you are given the option to refuse, but are made to feel bad for doing so, and you give in to the advances”.

    domestic violence. com: “While sexual coercion may not be considered to be rape because the other partner did consent to it, it’s still considered to be a form of abuse. That’s because it usually takes place without any physical force, but the constant asking or threats may cause you to feel forced into the situation. Sexual coercion happens to both women and men, of all different ages and all different types of relationships. It’s very common among pre-teens and teenagers today. It can even happen in marriage as well when one spouse pressures and manipulates the other spouse until they reluctantly give in. Afterward, they may feel violated and do not feel good about it afterwards. In legal situations, it may not be considered to be a sexual assault scenario, but it’s one that no one should have to put up with”.

    What do you think and how do you feel about these quotes, Girl?

    anita

    #403965
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Girl

    It sounds like there is fault on both sides.

    A) You are both having sex without protection

    B) With the pull out method there is a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant.

    At worst sexual coercion occurred. Based on what you shared it doesn’t sound like you threatened him.

    After asking 3 times you laid down feeling bad and he offered to have sex again.

    He may have felt bad about what happened. He poorly communicate his feelings about what occurred. He doesn’t care about you not getting pregnant enough to wear a condom or refuse to have sex entirely. He only cared once he was finished.

    My advice is don’t have sex with him again.

    #403966
    Helcat
    Participant

    As someone who has actually been raped.

    Don’t feel bad for this guy. At any point he could have just worn a condom like a responsible adult.

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