October 7, 2013 at 2:25 pm #43373
I have a history of dating people who are not faithful & it is very much a sore spot for me now, to the point where I am wary of everyone and often paranoid and suspicious when nothing is going on. (Sometimes leading to something happening..)
When I started dating my now bf, he was just out of a long-term and long distant relationship. I was wary of that and asked about how he was emotionally, and he assured me he liked me a lot and the past was the past. He continued to chat with his ex, which I noticed on his phone or Skype account at times. I told him that it made me uncomfortable, and he said he talks to all of his exes as friends, and that’s all it was.
About 4-5 months in, a female friend of his started calling all the time and I was holding his phone once, taking a picture, when an inappropriate text popped up from her. I asked him about it and who she was, and he said that she’s just a friend. I did spy a little (I know it’s not right….) and saw that she was coming on pretty strong in her texts, and although he was not reciprocating the sentiment, he wasn’t telling her to leave him alone, either.
We broke up for a few weeks for different reasons, and when I cut all contact with him, he started groveling/trying to prove that he was really into me. He told me that he deleted his ex and is not talking to her anymore. When I asked about the other girl, he said that she had suggested that they get together, and he told her about me and said no. I believe that he was not physically with her, but the entire emotional aspect of it really gets to me.
He has said that he was in a bad place in the beginning and was confused. But it seems to me that the beginning should be the best time? I was very clear how I felt for him in the beginning, and now I don’t know how I feel, while he said he has “made his decision” and wants to “spend his life with me.”
I realize that trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship. I’m not sure how I feel now, and if I can get over this, or if I am overreacting. Any advice or thoughts?October 8, 2013 at 1:38 am #43412JamieParticipant
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation here. Trust is such an important part of a relationship. I can only give you my thoughts from my perspective… everyone has a different take though. I probably fit into the same mould as you BF – 10 months out of an 11 year relationship with two kids. I’ve started seeing someone for a couple of months and it feels great, but I know in my heart that it isn’t quite there yet. I still harbour feelings for my ex although my head says no.
Sometimes it takes time apart from someone for them to realise their true feelings. I think this is especially the case with someone recently out of a long relationship with someone else. It’s hard to trust yourself when you are in this situation. And that can lead to seeking out attention, sub consciously jeopardising a promising new relationship and distancing themselves.
Perhaps you could ask your BF how he feels when he sees you, spends time with you. Does he feel it in his body? Does he get knots in his stomach when he sees you now? I think that gut instinct is very telling.
In a perfect world, thje timing would be perfect, two people coming together when they are happy with themselves and their lives and you fit together like a jigsaw. But I’m not sure relationships work like that, and I think it is becming more and more common that this situation happens.
It’s a risk. But ask yourself whether you truly want to be with the person. If the answer is yes then I would say its worth that risk if you can get him to be truly honest about his feelings for you now. It might turn out that a time apart actually strengthens your relationship.
Good luck.October 8, 2013 at 2:41 am #43413main kidokoParticipant
I experienced similar situation. I am not sure if i am overreacting too. I just broke up with my bf. Same likes your case, he was just out of a long-term and long distant relationship when we started dating. He continues to chat with his ex, his ex told him she is still waiting for him, but i know that he did tell her that don’t wait for him.
I started to mess up everything and lost my trust to him when he scolded me as i called him when he was hanging out with his ex, he un-tagged himself on my fb’s photo, blocked me on fb, when we were still in a romantic relationship. (we were still text-ing love message to each other everyday (we are in long distant relationship too)).
I called off the relationship a few times, but i still hooked on him when i called off the relationship, i was constantly thinking that whether i was overreacting or did i accused him falsely? He said he love me very much, thus he was trying to mend the relationship. He still continues to be friend with his ex, chatting etc. I understand that an ex can be friend after the relationship ended, but I feel so uncomfortable knowing that the ex is still emotionally attached to my man.
Yea, trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship. I lost my control, trust and accused him when he was not able to pick up my called for few times in a day when he was together with his ex for his family gathering. I believe that he was not physically attached to her, but the emotional feeling really gets to me.
After dwelling in this arguments for few months, he decided to cut off contact with me totally as he said that I accused him and threw his love into trash.
I am still in the process of healing, but i am constantly feeling guilty and sinful when he said I made false accusation on him and I blamed him for my own faults and wrongdoings. My self-esteem became very low, is it I am a negative person who likes to blame when things turn sour?October 8, 2013 at 5:29 am #43422BernadetteParticipant
An ex is and ex for a reason, I feel if someone is not over their ex, they still keep the contact and not caring about the feelings of the new person in their lives, reason being they are not over their ex, otherwise why would someone compromise a good relationship for the sake of an ex?? , Im friends with guys that ive dated before, but in no way would I allow this to mess up my relationship, keeping contact, causes trust issues in a new relationship, Ive learnt from experience, it makes that new person in your life insecure and it leads to all sorts of trust issues, im not saying we cant be friends with an ex, just that we must keep our boundaries, Ive known people choosing their ex over their new partner, just because their new partner was insecure about them being best friend with their ex..
Maine kidoko, please don’t feel bad or guilty about these accusations, somehow he contributed as well to what happen in the relationship, if he truly cared about your feelings, im sure he would not have deleted you from his life just like that, any girl would be insecure if their boyfriend was chatting away and spending time with the ex…please stop thinking that you overeact. Your bf is not showing any consideration to your feelings, and no you are not a negative person.
BernadetteOctober 8, 2013 at 6:47 am #43427MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the confusion and suffering you’ve experienced, intimacy can be tricky to say the least. Its possible that you overreacted, as you’ve noticed about yourself that you have trust issues. Perhaps you could have a conversation with him about those issues, and how deeply unsettling his communication with other women has been for you. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
First is that many guys don’t usually commit to a relationship in the same way at the beginning. They might say “no thanks” to women’s advances, but they don’t necessarily say “please stop your advances, I’m in love with someone.” This isn’t because of infedelity or being untrustworthly, it has to do with growing roots. As two people get to know each other more and more, it moves from “happy time” to “you’re my family, my partner.” When a man truly commits, he will protect that family, but often women have to show them how. Help them see what threatens it, not out of jealousy or mistrust, but what really arises when boundaries are not created and maintained.
For instance, it is quite possible that you and he have very different views of what is happening within those texts. He might see it as validating to his sex appeal, his manly chutzpa, and even though he has every intention of pouring that studlyness toward you, it may not occur to him that saying “no” isn’t really enough. Or, maybe he is trying to keep his options open, not having committed to you. This is why communication and openness is critical to moving forward, growing a relationship.
As far as the beginning of a relationship being the best part, hopefully not. Trust and connection grows more and more over time, when the union is tended well. Its really only the sparkly dream-like fantasy of love that is powerful in the beginning. We form a connection, and it is new and refreshing, has the potential for love, but is more about exploration, infatuation, romance and sexual attraction than love. It can grow into love, but is different. Namaste.
MattOctober 8, 2013 at 6:12 pm #43456
Matt, your response in particular resonated with me. I’ve heard before from friends that men take longer to commit. (I hate that we are such stereotypes!) I think you hit his behavior right on the head. I did have a conversation with him recently, and he said he understands now how I feel, even though he didn’t before. And that he has never been with someone that asked him to think about things like that. He also said that how I feel is fair and that all he can do is gain my trust back.
Jamie, I like your idea and I will ask him that.
Overall, it seems he wants some guidance from me on what I feel ok with and not. I want to be with him, so I think it is worth the risk, as long as I can stop analyzing and enjoy.October 8, 2013 at 6:15 pm #43457
I don’t think you did anything wrong. If someone is scolding you when you call, that is not right…..Please do not blame yourself!!