Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying hard but failing
- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
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November 25, 2016 at 6:35 am #121109MattParticipant
First time posting on here after reading a lot lot of the forums and blogs. I feel bad even posting here but I sincerely need some help. I got my heart broken by someone who I thought genuinely cared for me and got me. Turns out I was just a stepping stone for her rough times. I learned to forgive her and For a while felt e happy that I had forgiven her and moved on to living in the moment. She has communicated since about how she cares for me and she isn’t ready for a relationship. Well that’s a lie as well since she’s been in a relationship for a bit. It feels like all the things I thought I was getting thru (self hatred, lack of confidence, worry about wasting my life away, and fear/shame of sharing my feelings) have come back double fold. To make matters worse, I’m trying to console my niece because her parents are splitting. Trying desperately to tell her how much I love her and how she needs to love herself, while in my head I’m hating myself and finding it hard not to just cry. I can’t love myself like I can love others and I’m tired of feeling this way. Help!
November 25, 2016 at 8:17 am #121111AnonymousGuestDear toomanymasks:
I would like to understand more. You wrote: “all the things I thought I was getting thru (self hatred, lack of confidence, worry about wasting my life away, and fear/shame of sharing my feelings) have come back double fold.”
Regarding: “self hatred” and “fear/shame of sharing my feelings”- do you mean with your ex girlfriend and/ or before? Please elaborate on what these means to you.
And what are the Masks in your user name about? Whose masks?
anita
November 25, 2016 at 9:26 am #121127MattParticipantThose feelings were present before her and I had worked towards not feeling & treating myself like that. She made me feel even better about myself. It felt like I had known her for a long time and we just met. I realize now that I was looking for that and she wasn’t that. Her lying to me about things made all those feelings come back because she told me how great I was. Must’ve been really great because she can’t even come clean to me and left me behind like I am nothing.
November 25, 2016 at 9:46 am #121129AnonymousGuestDear toomanymasks:
I see: you believed you are Nothing before meeting her, she told you that you are Something. That felt good. Then you found out she lied to you about things, and you figured she lied to you about you being a Something.
We, people, do get our sense of worth- or lack of- from our caretaker/s. When they fail us, we look for it in other people, often in romantic partners. Often, this fails. People who believe they are unworthy, even if they have loving romantic partners, the moment the partner says or does something that is not all-loving, the person is back to feeling worthless.
And there are plenty of people who are not loving.
For me, the only experience that made me, eventually, feel worthy started with my first competent therapy over five years ago, because my therapist was empathetic, attentive, and gave all that he had for my benefit.
I found out that (it was a mind blowing realization), that the reason I was so very distressed over all these years, believing I was a Nothing, is because it was not true. If it was true, I wouldn’t have been distressed about it.
Please do post more of your thoughts and feelings.
anita
November 25, 2016 at 9:54 am #121130Adam PParticipantMove on and take care of yourself and your niece. Your ex is just boomeranging herself back into your life due to the fact that things are not going pretty in her life and she has returned back to use you as an emotional crutch. Do yourself a favor and go back to living in the moment. It’s the same situation with food, if you are trying to lose weight and then you eat a big piece of cake or have fast food then how do you feel afterwards, disappointed and depressed. It’s the same thing only this time be strong and maintain no contact. If you maintain no contact, hopefully she will get the message and search for another victim.
Thank you and take care
-AP85November 25, 2016 at 10:12 am #121131MattParticipantShe’s in a relationship already so it just feels like I was there when she needed and then not even having the courage to be honest really made me feel small. If she says them to make herself feel better or if they’re true doesn’t matter. The truth is something I don’t know how to hear from her, even if it’s real.
November 25, 2016 at 10:33 am #121134AnonymousGuestDear toomanymasks:
Her behavior is not a reflection of your worth. Her behavior is evidence to who SHE is, not who you are. I will give you an example: two babies are born to two different mothers. One mother treats her baby with love, attending to it with kindness and gentleness and the other mother does not attend to her baby, letting it cry alone for hours.
Question: is the first baby worth more than the second? Is the behavior of the second mother an indication that her baby is unworthy- or is it an indication that she is an unloving mother?
anita
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