Sean,

I’m sorry for the pain and suffering you’re going through, and the sense of disorientation and sorrow you feel is very normal. Even Superman cried from time to time… it isn’t something that makes you weak, its an expression of strength oddly enough. It is one thing to want to avoid being dramatic, and weeping over molehills. You seem stable enough not to make mountains out of molehills. However, perhaps you’re trying to make a mountain into a molehill, as though the pain and divorce and uncertainty of the future is something you should weather with grit and machismo.

That just doesn’t work. Many cultures have rituals of catharsis, or the physical release of pain. One Zen trick is to bury our face into a pillow and scream. Flail our arms around, jump up and down. Out, OUT! Don’t shove it down, let the body move and release it. That way the stuck energy gets moving, and instead of being paralyzed with the stress, you can get it moving, cycling.

Like you, I follow my passion, and pay little attention to financially tuned activities. I’d put my earnings in a coffee can and never think about it if I could… accounts and investments and so forth… bleh. Luckily, there are accountants and lawyers and the like, which can take care of that for us.

For the internal stuff, it is important to refuel. Like a hunter needs to eat before he is strong enough to hunt, so do we need emotional nourishment to navigate our choices and options. The best method I’ve found for that nourishment is meditation, specifically including metta meditation practice. This opens up the mind and body, helps silence the mental agitation, and refuels our resilience to tough experiences.

For instance, perhaps you can remember back to a moment where things were smooth, flowing like clockwork. The mind was peaceful then, luminous in the way it made decisions, like a schooner cutting through still waters. Each challenge that arose happened with the spaciousness of that smooth mind, and the focus and clarity needed happened easily. When the external gets more jumbled, it seems that the stability is gone, there is just too much and we become overwhelmed. Then the focus and clarity seem impossible. That just isn’t true. We can intentionally cultivate the smoothness of mind even when the clockwork has multiple wrenches in it. Then, in the absence of panic and agitation, each wrench can be dealt with as we arrive at them. There is no need to fear the future then, because it is the focus and clarity that move us toward success. Not the business, not being surrounded in favorable circumstances, not a lack of wrenches in the gears.

So we do that, we intentionally cultivate stable mindedness, equanimity. This is where metta is very helpful. Metta is kindness, the same honest concern you gave to your customers which kept them loyal and consistent. When we bring that kindness, nobility, into our heart and mind for all beings, we feel less and less agitation from the wrenches. It gives us an emotional keel, a direction to head, and a fuel for the journey.

Consider carving out 35 minutes in your morning for the following guided meditation. It is both instruction on what to do, and an explanation as to why what happens happens.

If the accent distracts you, feel free to search YouTube for “guided metta meditation”. Lots of good ones. Don’t worry if it is difficult at first, if you feel drowsy at first. That’s normal. Namaste, brother, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Sean, you seem like a determined man; and yes, it appears you ably rolled with the punches. You will rise again like the phoenix. Go easy on yourself and enjoy each day as it comes. You have new friends and that’s really something to be thankful for. Good luck.