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Trying to figure myself out

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  • #94540
    phightphear
    Participant

    Hey Tiny Buddha community,

    So, I have a major problem and don’t know where else to turn. Last time I felt this low and hopeless I came here and you all helped me so much. But here’s what’s going on with me and I apologize if it’s long but I hope not only to get help but maybe this will help others too. A little over a year ago I broke up with my fiancé. I let her keep the apartment we had together and moved in temporary with my mom and her husband. I noticed within a few days my stepdad was acting extremely strange and found out he was dealing with depression. My whole family has dealt with depression and has had issues with it, so to see someone we weren’t related to dealing with it kind of threw us for a loop, especially because depression has that shame attached to it that makes you feel like it’s just you. Further more, I was going through my own depression and found solice in co workers who I thought I was becoming very close friends with. I even was developing a romantic relationship with one (I know, a horrible idea, but she was the total opposite of my ex and I fell for her hard) to shorten this story, my older brothers house burned down in March, my stepdad ended up dying from what we still think was a self inflected wound that for infected and all of my close “coworker” friends used me being close to them and telling them my secrets as leverage to get promoted over me, as they told management EVERYTHING I told them to make it seem like I was not stable or competent enough to handle a promotion. I also discovered the person I had developed major feelings for only used me to get close to my boss who I’ve known for years and to get promoted as well. I’m leaving a lot of details out here just because I don’t want to write a whole book of my 2015, but basically it left me feeling like I couldn’t trust anyone, very very hurt, confused, torn between trying to help everyone in my family while feeing like I couldn’t ask them for help in my own depression struggle, and disrespected. When it comes to my job, I am the only person in my position not to be promoted and I haven’t gotten a true explanation. They did fire the head boss and brought in someone new, and I was told by a few managers that the promotion process had very little to do with skill and more about personal reasons but to hang in there because things are changing. However, I find that I go in resenting working for a company that KNOWS they should have promoted me but didn’t, everyday going into work with people who I thought were my friends but stabbed me in the back in a deep way, (I mean one told me she loved me and she obviously didn’t, another told me she had cancer to get sympothy from me and I found out she never had cancer, a third guy since he’s been promoted now never wants to talk to me and they all act like I’m the one that’s changed)

    I provide all of this backstory because I spent the last year being there for friends and family and now I feel like I have no one to turn to. When I try to talk to my family about how deeply depressed I am, the conversation becomes about them, not me. I don’t trust anyone after being hurt so bad. There’s a woman who seems to care about me very much and I care about her a lot, we’ve gone out on dates, we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend and my poisoned mind is afraid that much like the people at my job with her it’s just about money and what I can do, and she hasn’t given me much reason to doubt her like that. I just feel like I’ve become very bitter and sad and I don’t even know why I get up in the morning anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m a 30 year old man and everyday feels like I’m the uncool kid in high school with no friends and no family to lean on. How do you even start to find yourself? How do I get rid of this bitterness and sadness and find joy again? I know these are questions that don’t have exact answers but I’m really just lost and am trying to figure out how to begin to even be a happy person.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by phightphear.
    #94545
    anita
    Participant

    Dear phighphear:

    To find joy again, I say you still will need what you always need: people. But unlike the people at work and your unavailable family members I suggest to aim at people who are and will be honest with you, trustworthy and available to attend to you.

    One way to figure if a person deserves your trust is to figure his or her possible motivations to be with you and pay attention to their behavior in regard to possible motivations. If these are people at work that aim at the same promotion you aim at, then this is a competitive situation and their motivation is likely: to be promoted and so, be aware and cautious.

    Notice other people, dates; if a woman insists you take her to expensive places and asks you to buy her things, then her motivation is… just that. Pay attention and carefully choose.

    Blind trust is not wise.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #94617
    Al
    Participant

    phightphear,

    I am sorry for your suffering.

    It is indeed sorrowful to experience events which fracture our trust and faith in one another; in humanity. These gestures are certainly hard to absorb. However, find solace and satisfaction in knowing that you did not take part in reciprocating these chaotic acts. This conveys that you have a good heart and innately wish for the happiness and well being of everyone, and even to those whom cause you harm. Please recognize this beautiful trait within yourself.

    My friend, self-peace and happiness are things that must constantly be worked on. However, they become easier to instinctively and earnestly exhibit by understanding certain truths. Recognizing that we all suffer similarly helps bring about a sense of ‘togetherness’. Also, perceiving that we are all uniquely mentally conditioned from birth helps us accept eachothers’ faults in a non-personal way. In your case, many coworkers have used and stepped over you, however, by recalling that these individuals are only doing what society (and/or other factors) have conditioned them to do will assist in maintaining your peace of mind. Sometimes, the vigorous pace of society can make us forget the meaningful and make us abandon our humanity. During such times, tap into your (once more) innately well-wishing heart and reground yourself. Continuously reinforce your life-affirming beliefs that this existence is worth living so that all difficult events can be dealt with more efficiently. This should also assist in reclaiming your happiness. Now knowing that we all suffer, obtain the yearning to want all beings to be free of it so we may all share a blissful existence. Maintaining a sincere desire to want good for all will produce all the necessary positive mental and physical actions to circumstantiate your happiness.

    I hope this helps and please forgive any grammatical errors.

    Al

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