I note its really hard not to text him about this one.  The “urge to fix quickly” is going on internally- even though I know it is a terrible idea to try and discuss this matter over a text message. I guess this sore spot of ‘feeling ignored’ is sore indeed.

I just don’t get why he does it: he hasn’t done or said anything which suggests to me he wants to cut ties and yet he can be so lazy and slack with communication. It makes me question my choice to interact with him at all when he does this.

My toxic ex who was probably cheating on me used to do this frequently and it drove me nuts. I had no idea how to address it: he just made me feel to be unreasonable for having the expectation that he would respond. (He’d blame his work, the weather, his socks, whatever. I was stupid enough to continue to allow it.)

Previously I just got angry but didn’t say anything, no wonder I became a bit toxic to be around.

Heya Anita,

No you don’t have that power: to make it just go away. But thanks.

I am just going to have to work through the difficult feelings. I am ok  with doing this but as I said it is a concern because many people trust you on here and I see you go to great lengths to help many people here work through their difficulties.

However it struck me today that this comes with dangers. (I am assuming you are not a qualified therapist, at this point.) There are some things which are very triggering and some people are not stable – for example, someone like my sister would have reacted very badly to that comment. I can hack feeling shit but some people can’t and some people have some very destructive ways of trying to cope with their pain. Given the distance intervention is not possible in these cases.

 

“When reality is negative I figure better face it although I do agree with you that short term convenient thinking comes handy and has its place. Some denial of reality is helpful any day, I suppose, putting a positive spin of things so to keep going.”

I suggest your interpretation of convenient thinking has got muddled with band-aid/denial styles of thinking. That aside: those who are positive thinkers see more opportunities.

Reducing complicated human interactions to being wholly negative either/or black and white thinking is not reality. It is a style of thinking that is very self-focused and creates needless suffering. Of course: some situations and relationships are simply not up to scratch, some are damaging and should be ended. I’m not suggesting we deny reality by focusing only on the positive aspects of such relationships. I am suggesting a more balanced approach than a black and white mode of thought.

I’ll give some concrete examples for you–

For example: my mother failed to defend me when my dad basically bullied me growing up. However, she taught me to cook and made me lunch and dinner every day for many many years. She got angry when people in school bullied me. She will go out of her way to help me if I need, she dropped everything to come and sit with me in hospital last week.

The reality isn’t that my mother never loved me. The reality is that she is human and was a bit afraid of her husbands intensity, agreed with his sentiments if not his methods. She lacks confidence to do many things: this was one. She probably feels guilty.

And my dad? The reason he was such a twat when I was a kid was because he always knew I wanted to do art in my heart of hearts. And he knows -from his working class history- that the pay is crap and people bully you in the art world. Lo and behold: he is right.  I cannot afford to sustain myself so I live with them. He tried to bully me out of it because he foresaw the long-term problems. Not great methods, but my well-being at heart.

The reality isn’t that he didn’t love me. The reality is that he’s human, autistic and unaware of his intensity when angry.

They both who have given me so much, how can I disrespect them -insult them- and claim they didn’t love me?

So yeah, you claim you want the ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ and yet reduce all these complications to simple answers.

Regarding Mr and his total lack of communication:

Its an indisputable fact that he hasn’t written back, no contest on that one. Honestly? The reasons I suspect he hasn’t written back are probably a combination of the following;-

He’s still seeing that other woman// He’s worried I am trying to push my own agenda of getting back together// He keeps telling me he likes his space, and how that is no reflection of his affections for a person – and so he is biding his time responding as a way to manage my expectations // He’s frequently overwhelmed and so responding to a situation he just isn’t sure about is too much.

Ernstwhile: the reality of him not responding for ME means I have to deal with my intense anxiety.
Sure, it isn’t a great outcome. It suggests at best a lack of communication (no shit,  he’s not writing back) and at worst, a deep incompatibility in terms of romance. (I cannot tolerate the separation anxiety.) However to reduce it to “He doesn’t give a shit about you or wants to make you suffer” is ridiculous, self centered – there are two people in this situation. How am I supposed to improve my relationships with people if I am me me me me all the time? That was one of my biggest problems: I struggled to have empathy and put myself in the shoes of another. I made it all about me, what I want, and got angry.

Yours,

-Feathering.

Hey Anita,

Hope you are well.

I never asked you to leave me alone – you’ve healed far more than hurt. There are no grudges or ill-will from my end. You didn’t cause the hurt, it existed before you.  We’ve both come here to learn – I from you and you from I. I simply felt it was important to tell you – I thought it was the honest thing to do.

I’d be sad if you decided to stop interacting with me, but if that is what you truly wish then ok.

-Feathering

Hello Anita,

Well we came to learn from one another, I’ve learnt and healed a lot thanks to your care and attention.
Now I hope it is your turn to learn from me.

It makes me sad to see you withdraw at the very moment in which our interactions have the opportunity to deepen. I accept this is what you wish.

All humans have propensity to project themselves into others. Their situations and so forth – that is exactly why giving advice (as you do) is such a challenge. Much of what you say is not wrong.

This is the only example I have to go on but please – it is a case study and therefore, a reflection of wider patterns of thinking. Which is why I suggest we examine it. I am going to explain why it was problematic and demonstrate an alternative mode of thought. Thinking such things allows us to come around to believe them. Meditation with metta.

There were many other “Ifs” in your statement- sufficiently so  as to rule out any possibility other than the two outcomes you outlined. In your statement you drew up a set of circumstances in where your two presented options were the only realistic possibility. (Either he does not care or he wants to make you suffer.)

My suggestion is that this interpretation, is in fact a reflection of your own worldview and therefore worth examining. To me, such thinking is indicative of the same anxious-attatchment style which I suffer from. Even now, with all the inner work you have done, this feeling still prejudices you. Something to be conscious of while advising others. Raising this issue felt like the honest and responsible thing to do: after all, how is one to learn otherwise?

In actual fact I think the solution to my problem -and to this problem with Mr, if the chance ever arises- is to accept that these men who disappoint me are just as afraid as I. Only they cope with their fears in a very different way.

I have no reason to think that Mr does not care about me- he just has a pattern of withdrawal in relationships. He needs to retreat in order to feel safe. Ernstwhile: I’m on the anxious end of the spectrum, which provokes his withdrawing and intensifies my feelings. We stand in opposition to one another in this regard. We both leave feeling inadequate.

Let us look at Mr’s failure to respond with some compassion:

My words hurt him very much – so much that he lost his voice for two weeks. As his job relies on this, that is a serious matter indeed for him. He is afraid of being hurt again, there was a significant loss of trust. And  he does not know how to deal with his fear, probably not even fully aware of it. I expect many women have been frustrated with him in the way I have, he probably feels at a loss in terms of how to cope with it. It hit upon an old deep wound of his that existed long before he met me. He is doing his best but anyone who had the same life experiences would feel as he. Retreating from uncertainty when the risks of suffering such pains again is the safest thing for him to do, in these circumstances. He probably misses me, wishes things had worked out differently, does not respond because he does not want to provoke a situation he cannot trust – the stakes are so high.

And of course, Anita:  you are no exception to this extension of my compassion.

I forgive you for the hurt you reminded me of; the only reason you were able to do so at all was because I trust you and let you in. It is a wound of love. We cannot have one without the other. You have struggled and overcome many of the same issues as I, which is precisely why you have been such a good teacher all this while.

Thank you for curing me, Anita.

xxx