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Trying to move forward but always coming back

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  • #180285
    Mae
    Participant

    SORRY THIS IS LONG :

    I guess I’ll start with the preface to my main story and concern. I had gotten out of my first relationship an on/off thing that left me feeling unwanted, and depressed… I eventually got into therapy (6 months later) and dove right into the casual dating/hookup scene knowing damn well that I am emotionally unable to handle it. After a bad and scary sexual encounter with a boy I had been talking to for a few weeks, I decided to chill out and catch my breath and do some reflection. Two months later I met D, the guy I’ve been stuck on since Nov. 2016. It wasn’t an instant physical attraction, but when I first saw him I felt a strange connection to him. I met him at my job, our first interaction was him complimenting my hair lol I didn’t think much of it, but since then he would occasionally come up to my job during his breaks and awkwardly try to flirt, it was cute. This went on for about a 2 months and I got an unhealthy obsession with him.. to the point where on my off days I would go to my job just hoping just to get a glimpse of him… weird lol.  So after the 2 months I decided to take things into my own hands because I was tired of the passive glances, and the weird hi’s and asked him to walk me home, and I got his number. Fast forward invite him to my dorm after never making it our first date, and I initiate sex, though we had texted and talked about doing it…we do that but it was off. Afterwards, he asks me what I looking for out of this relationship and I said  I wanted friends with benefits only because he told me that he had gotten out of a relationship six months prior and wasn’t looking for anything serious.  I guess in my mind I was hoping to ease him into a relationship, even though I was terrified of getting into a new one myself. Anyway, after we established that and he left I freaked out and decided that I couldn’t go along with it, and texted and told him I enjoyed our little moment but I didn’t want to continue… he says ok and that causes me to freak out more because I liked him, even though I knew nothing about him. So I text him later that same day apologizing and trying to get him back. So, basically he comes back, and we continue to have off sex on/off with me freaking out and pulling away for 6 months.  I finally ended it in April because I didn’t feel respected, but spent the rest of the summer obsessing over him everyday hoping and praying he would randomly text me, I would constantly see him at random places but never say a word to one another, but my feelings were still there. Fast forward to now I have my own apartment now lol but its a block up from where he works. It wasn’t an intentional thing it was just that it was the cheapest and closest to my school. I’ve tried to come to terms with the relationship. I understand now that we were both in bad places and I was trying to get something from him that neither of us was willing or able to give to one another. The problem now is that it been a year since I first met him and I haven’t dated or really thought about anybody else. I’ve secluded myself from friends and people and when I do feel like moving forward I see him occasionally and just shifts everything back to me wanting him, but I try to remind myself that it’s for the best… how do I fully move forward and let the attachment to him go?

     

    #180301
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mae,

    Have you ever interacted with him and NOT had sex? Like, you guys go to a movie or out to dinner and you kiss only and he goes home?

    I think the poor boy is confused. Clearly he was awkwardly and passively flirting because he wasn’t confident that you would say YES. Then you bluff saying you want Friends with Benefits. He says “OK?” and takes you at your word. You cut it off. You say sorry and it’s back on. Because you’re afraid if you ask for more he’ll say NO.

    Unfortunately, the relationship dynamic has already been set. Yes, you can change it, but it might be difficult.

    Just ask him to an event, dinner/movie or party (“hey I was just thinking about you, do you want to go to…”)  and see if he says YES… but NOT have sex this time. See what happens.

    Then wait for him to text you first and take it from there.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #180315
    Mae
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I have tried asking him out once, but he said he was busy or he said “not today”, and I never brought up again. He didn’t seem to want a relationship with me until the end when he kinda insinuated at be monogamous, hooked up with me and never called or texted me. I’ve to accept that, I just want to move on from him because I’ve been stuck in a space where I’ve been blaming myself for what happened and feeling unwanted… and rejected. Partly because when I finally ended it he never texted me or tried to contact me. I saw him a month ago at the train station and he was just staring at me, later that night I texted him to see if I still had a chance to try again and he never replied. I don’t know I just feel stupid for wasting all this time on him, but theirs a part of me that is still holding on and hoping I’ll get another chance with him even though logically  I know that it may never happen, and I may not get a do-over I had several chances already lol

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Mae.
    #180331
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    I was wondering what you learned in the psychotherapy you attended?

    I think it is a good thing that you decided to  take  things into your own hands, that is, to be active in your own life, to initiate.

    Thing  is when  he asked  you what you are “looking for  out of this relationship”- the active, initiating thing to say would have been the truth of what you were  looking for, instead of trying  to accommodate what you thought he was looking for (“I said I  wanted friends with benefits only because he told  me…)

    You wrote  that  in your mind you were “hoping to ease  him into a relationship”. The direct approach and  one  much more likely to  be successful in the future, would  be to tell him that you are looking for a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

    I  hope you post  again  with your thoughts  and feelings.

    anita

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