July 16, 2013 at 8:37 pm #38784
When will the bad days turn into good ones…it seems like just when I’m about to have a peaceful day one without remembering my ex, I stumble into a picture, memory, etc…. It’s been almost twenty days since he broke up with me and his words still haunt me, “once I’m done I’m done but it was fun.” I feel like I’m always analyzing every word that was said, going over every day before that dreadful day, and can’t get over how he has been so good at not contacting me..I’ve made progress though…I haven’t looked for him once since I received everyone’s response to my other posts. Just when it seems like I’m getting through processing my emotions I relapse. Like I mentioned before I have trouble leaving the house out of fear to run into him and I feel like I’m slowly reverting back into a depression. I’ve tried keeping myself busy but its hard. I find myself giving advice to everyone else that needs consoling yet I can’t take my own advice. I find it harder this time to let go, but its funny because when I got divorced years ago I got over it quick, and I was with my ex husband for ten yrs. i was only with this guy for fifteen months. I guess I’m still bothered by the unanswered questions and I keep assuming he has found someone new. Words of wisdom please ….feeling so sad right now. EJuly 16, 2013 at 11:35 pm #38787Matt TurnerParticipant
I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing some pain right now. Your words display some hope. I would like to draw your attention to a few snippets of what you wrote:
“It’s been almost twenty days since he broke up with me and his words still haunt me”
Try giving time a chance. What will another 20 days passing look like? Things never stay constant. They soon change, shift and morph. Get curious about what this could take shape as. Maybe another 20 days may give you some of the answers you want. Be patient, however difficult.
“Just when it seems like I’m getting through processing my emotions I relapse.”
What does relapse look like to you? Relapse into what? You are clearly in a difficult state right now, maybe the other side of relapse Is wonderful? Can you summon the strength to go find out? Processing can be an organic thing. Don’t force it. Let the process take it’s course. It’s OK.
“I’ve tried keeping myself busy but its hard.”
If trying to keep busy is hard, then stop. Don’t fight it. What’s easier instead? Doing nothing? Mostly we keep busy to avoid something, usually our feelings. Stand tall and face your feelings. Feel them. Be at one with them. It may give you some understanding and movement.
“I guess I’m still bothered by the unanswered questions”
What if your questions remain unanswered? Can you let them go? Write down those questions that bother you – then burn them. After that, write down some new questions that look into what your possibilities are now. What would your life be like if the unanswered questions were all good?
It sounds like you are in a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of whats on the other side of relapse, fear of stopping still and fear of whats next.
I would like to offer you this; it’s going to be OK. You will get through this. I really understand how you feel and empathize with what you are going through. For now, close the doors on your past and future. Stay with whats present. Feel whats here now. Focus on you and every moment you are in. Figure out nothing and experience everything.
I can’t tell you what to do. Only you, and you only, can decide that. You will make choices that heal you and move you forward eventually. It’s naturally what we do as human beings. It’s inbuilt.
If you’d like get on touch, I’d be happy to offer you some support.
With much love and warmth,
Matt xJuly 17, 2013 at 6:03 am #38790
Your description feels all too familiar. From the sounds of it, you’ve slipped into the relationship danger zone. Namely, obsession and addiction. Now that you’re cut off from the source of your “happiness”, you’re experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal. The mind constantly wanders back the object of desire reviewing the past, looking around every corner for it’s presence, and finding reminders in even the smallest and remote details of everyday life.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it was a relationship filled with high intensity and euphoria. It’s easy to misconstrue these feelings of “happiness”, “joy”, and “elation” as love, but recognize your relationship for what it was – a drug. Anything that moves you to that sort of extreme and overwhelming feeling is bound to rebound eventually. For every highest high, there is the potential for an equally lowest low.
Recognizing that this was not a healthy relationship, that what you’re experiencing now is simply withdrawal, and that your mind is playing tricks on you as it’s looking for a fix, is huge eye opener that can help you move forward. As much as it hurts, spend some time alone and if you need social interaction, seek good hearted people who will be supportive, empathetic, and compassionate.
Also, take some time to connect with your inner child. It’s probably been neglected over the years, may have suffered some hardships, and so it seeks out love, affection, and validation from the outside world. Take the time to play with it, listen to it, and console it. It will be okay, it just takes a bit of time.July 17, 2013 at 7:16 am #38792
Wow John I hadn’t seen it like that but it gives me something to think about. I feel like I have good days, great days, and then days filled with anxiety and depression. I don’t know of I feel caused all of this to happen. You see a week before he called it quits we had bee n fighting and having many disagreements…he said he was getting pretty tired of the drama and accusations. I decided to give engagement ring back after thinking about whether I wanted to Marty again and live another relationship feeling unappreciated, belittled, and sad. He was calm and it seemed he didn’t care bout the ring being returned. He was so secretive last couple of months hiding things and leaving house and not returning till several hours later…when I voiced my thoughts he always seemed bothered and said oh here we go again. I feel like throughout the relationship I was never incl in anything. He would always go about never letting me know what he was up to or anything. I don’t know maybe I was living in a dream world, thinking it was all good and it wasn’t. It seemed he only tried when we first started dating and once he put a ring on it he stopped. Maybe that’s why it’s been so easy for him to have cut me loose and not contact me.July 17, 2013 at 7:53 am #38796
I’m glad it gave you something to consider. Keep what’s useful and disregard the rest.
I have to admit, it’s amazing to read your response as a reflection of what’s happening in your mind right now.
“He said…then I said…he was…I was….when I….when he…we had….I had…he would…I would…” and on and on it goes where it will stop, nobody knows.
The mind has an amazing power to take you away from the present here and now and pull you back into the past, like a mad scientist trying to figure out the what, the why, the who, the when, the how and round and round and round in circles it goes hoping to figure it out. Hoping to nail it down. Hoping to come to a conclusion that makes sense and everything crystal clear. Replaying conversations in your head over and over again like a video on rewind, repeat, rewind, repeat, rewind repeat. Sometimes changing the script, “if only I said…if only he said….”
It’s not a puzzle you’ll be able to solve. There’s nothing to figure out. It’s the past. It’s gone. Sit with the energy that has you tied up in knots and let it flow through you and out.The more you hang it, the tighter it’s grip. Let it go.July 17, 2013 at 8:02 am #38798MattParticipant
Well said John! E, as a rephrasing of John’s insightful words, consider that the lesson of the mind maze is not to find a way through, rather we learn to let go of the maze. Namaste.
MattJuly 17, 2013 at 8:22 am #38799
I see both of your points. I once had a therapist tell me that with the way I think and analyze everything searching for an answer whether right or wrong could be my own worst enemy. The mind , how it toys with our emotions and how it fills our thoughts with such negative, uncomfortable ideas. Is it part of our nature to believe everything that goes on in our heads, to be manipulated by what we believe to be true? How can I change my way of thinking so that I don’t continue torchurging myself with life’s greatest disappointments… I am great at my job, always being recognized for my accomplishments, I have a great relationship with my children, yet in love I have had too many failures. Is letting go really the number one thing that must be done in order to live a complete and full life? Can someone who thinks as I do ever find love and be successfully happy? One thing I have never been able to overcome is failure at anything. So when I do fail I can’t stop from blaming myself and have trouble understanding what everyone tells me, “it takes two to tango, you weren’t the only one in the relationship. Stop blaming only yourself for what happened.”July 17, 2013 at 9:09 am #38800MattParticipant
I really like your question “is it part of our nature”! The answer is both yes and no.
The first step in understanding the reason its yes and no is to realize that there is a real gravity to our addictions. Said differently, in your mind, the ideas around “boyfriend” and “romantic fulfillment” and “what happened” actually suck you into them. There are components to the gravity, but seeing it is necessary. Being free requires effort, and flying is about breaking gravity. We have to realize that our brain runs away, and even convinces us we’re doing good work in following the gravity. Here we see the answer yes, it is part of our nature. Our life is rich with suffering, which is the first noble truth Buddha taught.
However, he also discovered that the gravity is impermanent, that it is only ignorance which sustains the habit. When we begin to relate to and feel the gravity directly, we can begin to let it go. John gave those keys already, in rightly suggesting you sit and feel the energy in your body right now. And right now. And right now. The gravity erodes as we stop thinking “it is unavoidable” and recognize that “it is subject to ceasing”. Said differently, if you stop believing that the man is the cause of the gravity, and recognize that your habit IS the gravity, it becomes a simple (but difficult) matter of moving your mind away from the object of your obsession and back into your body. Not “boyfriend->breakup->what did I do->how could he->etc etc”. Instead, “boyfriend->breakup->wait, here is the cycle->what was the teaching?->oh yes, breathe and feel the energy in the body”. Then the mind detaches from the cycle and erodes the gravity.
With practice, the habit erodes. So here the answer is no, suffering is not part of our nature inherently. It is just sustained through our ignorance of the cycle. This is part of our nature. Buddha said that we have a fundamental ignorance, that we are born without the skill to use our mind instead of being used by it. The seed of knowing is also part of our nature. Namaste is “the Buddha in this body bows to the Buddha in that body”. Said differently, “because we know all have the ability to awaken, my awake parts call to your awake parts and together, we grow”.
MattJuly 17, 2013 at 11:43 am #38809
“Is it part of our nature to believe everything that goes on in our heads, to be manipulated by what we believe to be true?”
Unfortunately, yes. We believe our thoughts much too often than we should. It’s not our fault though. Apart from the education we get as children in terms of what’s real and what is fantasy, the instruction we receive stops short of opening our eyes to things as they really are and as we get older we come to believe in what we read, see on TV or in movies, and hear from other people without really questioning, examining, and asking “Is this true?”. Romance and relationships being the most susceptible realm to manipulation because it is where that we are most vulnerable.
“How can I change my way of thinking so that I don’t continue torturing myself with life’s greatest disappointments?”
Excellent question! That transformation occurs through meditation and working at disconnecting yourself from those inner monologues or dialogues and eventually shutting them off so that you can feel your way through life. While your mind may deceive you, your intuition and heart never will. Although that doesn’t mean you’ll be free from pain and suffering, you’ll discover a new resilience towards life and therefore openness to experience deeper levels of love and connection.
“Is letting go really the number one thing that must be done in order to live a complete and full life?”
“Can someone who thinks as I do ever find love and be successfully happy?”
“So when I do fail I can’t stop from blaming myself and have trouble understanding what everyone tells me….”
Blah blah blah blah….there goes your mind again spinning its old song.
@E’s Mind – Thank you. Now you could please shut up for a moment and give this girl some peace and quiet to get in touch with how she feels? 😉July 17, 2013 at 11:50 am #38810