Dear Littlered:

You asked: “Do I want my dignity back?”

As rude, offensive, derogatory, vulgar as the sentence you heard was, and it was these things, a sentence you hear as an adult cannot possibly, in itself, take away your dignity.

As a child, were you treated badly by someone you looked up to, someone you trusted? And no one stood up for you?

anita

Dear Littlered:

There were some changes in the website and I cannot go back to history of past threads like I used to, and so, I am unable to re-read all of our prior communication. I wish I could.

In your post before last, you asked questions:

“Am I that worthless that such things are suggested about me?… Do I not deserve respect and dignity?…Do I not have feelings? …Am I so disposable?…Why are such people like this, anita?”

You wrote: “An injustice has happened and they got away with it. I wasn’t rescued or even vindicated. I got punished for something I didn’t do.”

In your most recent post, you answered that yes, you were treated badly but “never in this context…I have felt powerless and hopeless but I never felt so dirty from inside.”

My input: The questions you asked indicate that you indeed were treated as if you were worthless, as if you had no feelings, as if you were disposable.

You do have feelings, you are worthy and you do deserve respect and dignity. And yet, you were treated in the past, numerous times (as I have, as so many people, if not all) treated disrespectfully, as if you were worthless.

A child is born not knowing and she learns and quickly. A child is vulnerable, easily hurt. Parents often treat children as if they were objects, or … irrelevant, or not worthy enough to attend to adequately. They think that all children need is food and shelter and toys, when children most need to feel safe, approved of, accepted, comforted. And they criticize their children instead of loving them. So children get hurt. And then, there is school bullying and plenty of contexts of future disrespect, mistreatments, to add to what is already there. This is the unfortunate reality.

Why are there people like that? Because when a person is mistreated as a child, he/she learns that other people are either more powerful than him and are to be feared- or are less powerful and are to be made to submit. They understand life to be a Win-Lose proposition. For them to Win, they must make the other person Lose. They can’t conceive of the idea of a Win-Win strategy to life.

And so, some people go through life fearing others, submitting, being nice in a “please-do-not-hurt-me” kind of way. Others go through life taking on an aggressive stand: “I-will-hurt-you-even-more-if you-don’t-submit-so-submit-to-me”. When they feel fear, then anger, they proceed to disrespect and mistreat another.

Injustice is the rule, not the exception.

As to your last question, about a connection: there are connections in our brain between life experiences, from the earliest ones to the most recent. Your reaction to the five year ago incident does not exist in isolation. It is connected to your experience of being mistreated at home, in school and so on. These prior experiences, prior hurt, add intensity to the recent experience.

The only thing you can do is stay away from the Win-Lose people (family members included), take best care of yourself, choose Win-Win people and practice Win-Win in all your chosen interactions and relationships.

anita

Dear Littlered,

This is my first ever response on this forum, so here it goes.

It sounds like the comments traumatized you. Traumatized because they were deeply offensive, you’ve actually internalized them and over the past 5 years have made them ingrained in your belief system. How do I know this? A thought you think over and over again is a belief. You’ve chopped and screwed these words in so many directions in your mind that they are alive and well. To be clear the comments made by senior partner are long gone but in your mind they live on. Somehow you’ve made those words about YOU and who you are as a person vs seeing that those comments reflected more so on the person who said them.

Here is the truth. Anyone can say anything they want to anyone at anytime for any reason. Welcome to the human experience. Of course some words in saying them come with consequences, most comments do not.

I think your shame maybe based on that you were not able to stand up for yourself in a way that would have made your feel respected and dignified. But the only problem with this line of thinking is that its highly untrue. You showed up and showed out for yourself in this incident but didn’t acknowledge it for yourself.

You said: “if the other partner had stood up for us, I would not feel this way.”
This is your mind trying to change the past. This is such an injustice in your mind that your trying to hold other people accountable for something they can’t change. On the other hand you’re not giving yourself any credit in how you handled yourself in the situation. You said you left the job immediately after the incident. So why do you also say that you were punished for something you didn’t do? Are you saying the “comments” were a punishment (not true)? Or that you having to leave the job was punishment (also not true)?

By leaving the job immediately you showed yourself:
respect
dignity
self-worth

You haven’t put any value in your response to the incident. You wanted someone else/partner to valdate your feeling. As adults we are fully capable of rescuing and vindicating ourselves without the help of others.

You said: “An injustice has happened and they got away with it.”
What exactly do you think they got away with? Senior partner can say whatever he wants. As a result, the firm loses a model employee, You. Why isn’t that enough justice for you? Because you left the firm, you also released yourself from anything to do with the firm and how they discipline their employees. Maybe the senior partner was reprimanded and maybe not, either way it doesn’t matter. You already seeked justice for yourself but leaving. These are brownie points you are not giving yourself.

You have a belief issue around these word. They are not going to go away anytime soon. But I want to offer a suggestion in turning that belief around in to positivity for yourself.

Moving forward everytime those “comments” pop up in your mind, respond to the thought out loud…..
“That’s not true about me, I love, respect and care about myself.” This is the new thought you need to replace those comments with.

Think of this objectively, your mind in 5 years has a PhD in making these comments have meaning to you. Now you have to undo that command center of your brain and create new programming. And while you are at it you will start to release resentment and bitterness for your past co-workers. You may need to work on forgiving them if you feel that’s important to you. Professional counseling maybe a solution as well. Overall, you need to acknowledge that bad situations happen to even good people like you. You can’t change the past, but you can change your outlook for the future.

The best question you can ask yourself is, How does/did this incident benefit me? (weather you realize it or not ALL things work for your betterment)

Second best question, Whats my next best step in helping me heal? (take a course, talk to a mentor, get counseling, get a life coach, read books, attend a conference, etc). Heal yourself through intention action.

Hope this was helpful. You have the power to change your mind, literally and figuratively. 🙂

Dear Littlered:

You are welcome.

Like you wrote: “It is a lot to take in” and “I need to sit and process this now.”- so please do, take your time. Emotional understandings do need time to settle, to be processed.

You wrote: “maybe I will seek your help again for suggestions”- please do. I will be here.

anita

Hi Littlered,

I’m sorry that you had gone through such an experience. And yes, some words are really hard to forget. I have been in situations where I was told that I wasn’t good enough at work (and this was mainly due to inexperience and it was 3 months of me starting out), or when I had worked the jobs of 2 people (due to 1 person resigning unable to handle the workload, and all I was told was to make sure I don’t fall sick). I left those work situations. But sometimes when my current job stress builds up, those things I was told before come up to mind, and they are enough to make me feel really suffocated. You get those days sometimes.

I take the time to self reflect on my job pathway, and although those experiences were nasty, I have to admit I was thankful I learnt to built myself up and become a better version of myself at work, and I am continuously progressing from there. If anything, I’ve learnt to not become like those former employers.

You’ve done well for yourself, and through the process, built up resilience and become stronger. And when you are in a mentoring or management position, you can understand your junior employees work stressors and where they are coming from.

Take care!

H